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Old 03-06-2009, 03:16 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,593 posts, read 22,509,098 times
Reputation: 6075

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
If you want the entire story read the"Want to hear from serial cheaters/womanizers" thread and the "girlfriend can't leave her hubby" thread.

I have been doing a ton of introspection in an attempt to fix issues in my life. In reading countless forums on relationships I have found a huge amount misinformation.

Not all cheaters are looking for an ego stroke.
Not all cheaters are womanizers.
Not all cheaters do it to hurt their SO's.
Not all cheaters are sex addicts.
Not all cheaters are cold heartless people.

Have a few to add?

Do you disagree?

Do you really think everyone who cheats fits into an easily definable category?

Do you think all the people doing the cheating are happy to be doing it?
People (men and women both) who enter into a commitment like marriage and then go outside the marriage and CHEAT, are liars and adulterers. Their personal motivation for doing so doesn't matter at all.
You cheat, your a liar and an adulterer. Its NEVER ok.

Stop looking for an excuse to hide behind.

 
Old 03-06-2009, 03:41 PM
 
Location: San Diego North County
4,805 posts, read 5,437,325 times
Reputation: 2963
If you're in a relationship and you aren't happy--then talk to your partner. If you can't resolve your issues--leave the relationship. Do not attempt to fix whatever you perceive to be lacking by going outside of your current relationship and betraying your partner--especially if that person loves you and is trying to make the relationship work.

There is no greater relationship pain than to be the person that is cheated on. I've been there for the last two months and it's been agony every day. It would have been much kinder if my ex had done me the favor of dissolving our relationship BEFORE he started seeing another woman.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 03:58 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,851,123 times
Reputation: 661
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
People (men and women both) who enter into a commitment like marriage and then go outside the marriage and CHEAT, are liars and adulterers. Their personal motivation for doing so doesn't matter at all.
You cheat, your a liar and an adulterer. Its NEVER ok.

Stop looking for an excuse to hide behind.
People who enter into a marriage and refuse to be involved emotionally or choose work over family, or hide behind self confidence issues and deny intimacy. Are just as guilty. I don't know your details and don't assume you are at fault for the troubles in the marriage.

How can you comment as if I am looking to hide behind anything? Can you fix a problem without acknowledging an origin? Can you prevent it from recurring without examining all of the factors that contributed. It is too easy for "victims" of cheaters to say they would never.

The title of the thread says it all.

For those deemed the victim most collectively share emotional responses. For those deemed the "Liar Cheater Adulterer, everything that lead up to the break down in the marriage is now void all that matters is YOU CHEATED. Communication is A number one for a marriage to work. I am hoping I can salvage mine. If you have been on either side you know the pain associated. I hope all of you reading this can gain some sort of insight. Maybe even walk away with the motivation to keep your partner happy. Never take them for granted. Never think I can always been nice tomorrow. My grandfather had a short term affair in the first ten years of his marriage. They worked through everything. They had been married 67 years when he died. The only way it lasts that long is for both parties to try. My grandmother told me their story when I went to her with advice. She had simply come to think he was there no matter what. Had taken for granted everything that made them click in the beginning. She said she felt betrayed then angry saying it was not my fault. She said after a bit she began to realize he would not have even been looking at anyone else, had she worked as hard to keep his attention as she did to get it in the first place. Likewise my grandfather rededicated his time to his family and wife. It is funny how history repeats itself.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,230 posts, read 25,308,545 times
Reputation: 12400
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
Your right but I know I can not win custody. My wife is a half step from being a bad mother. There is NO way I can leave them in her care just to make my life happier. I would have left years ago if I thought I could win a custody battle.
If she's really as bad as you say she is, then why don't you seek the advice of a lawyer and realistically see what your chances of getting custody of your kids is. Don't you think that the sneaking around and cheating will backfire on you at some point, making YOU look like the irresponsible and bad parent? It doesn't matter if you had some felonies when you were 17 years old.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,851,123 times
Reputation: 661
Well it does matter in Texas. I have paid an atty for an eval on the case he says no way. My wife is in a prominent position working with kids. It comes down to who the courts think will provide a more stable environment. I am afraid she may be unattached emotionally. I hope we can gt her help. It would be extremely difficult to convince a judge they are better with me. I have already told her about the affair and am ending it on Sunday. I am hoping since my wife agreed to counseling she can change.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,230 posts, read 25,308,545 times
Reputation: 12400
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
Cremebrulee and Amanda: What about stringing one's spouse along and treating them like crap without cheating on them? Is there an excuse for that? What about breaking your spouse's heart by simply being utterly indifferent? Is there an excuse for that? What about selfishly doing what you want to do without ever considering your partner's feelings -- just short of cheating -- is there an excuse for that?
If you feel that your spouse is being indifferent and selfish, then LEAVE! There is nothing written in stone that says a person HAS to endure this kind of treatment. The person receiving the ill treatment can always file for divorce - there's nothing stopping them.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 04:09 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,230 posts, read 25,308,545 times
Reputation: 12400
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
Well it does matter in Texas. I have paid an atty for an eval on the case he says no way. My wife is in a prominent position working with kids. It would be extremely difficult to convince a judge they are better with me. I have already told her about the affair and am ending it on Sunday. I am hoping since my wife agreed to counseling she can change.
Okay, both my husband and I work in law and he worked in Texas at one point. Why don't you start documenting the kind of behavior you think is harmful to your children and get a second opinion.

I hope counseling works for you both, but if it doesn't, you need a plan of action. There is no reason you should stay in an unhappy situation (assuming it doesn't work out) just because of child custody issues. There are ways to deal with these issues. You really need to get another opinion.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 04:18 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,851,123 times
Reputation: 661
Thanks Twinkle Toes I will keep that in mind. Honestly I am going to give it my all and if 6 months from now I don't really see any hope I will start documenting. I know a police officer who was trying to get custody when his wife took off for a 3 day weekend without telling anyone. She came back with divorce papers and she won. It just has always seemed so scarry to think what if I loose. I would feel like I cheated them out of a chance to grow up safe and happy. I manage to work from home and earn nearly what my wife does as an executive for a hospital. I take our kids to and rom school I do more house work than a cleaning lady and add to that cooking 4 to 5 nights a week. I mean I am nt perfect but I damn sure don't deserve to be mistreated and ignored.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 04:36 PM
 
7,483 posts, read 8,411,789 times
Reputation: 6280
Boneheaded,

After reading your account of what happened with your wife, I sympathize. But what you said suggests that your wife was suffering from severe depression. It's one thing if she was just ignoring you, but to ignore her kids and friends suggests something far more serious was wrong. I've suffered from depression myself. I know that it can be bad enough where you can't find enjoyment in anything but it's not so severe that you can't function. You can get up, go to work, do regular chores, even find the energy for sex, but you find yourself just going through the motions of life. You know you're unhappy, but you can't just snap out of it. After a while, you become used to it, thinking that this is how it'll always be. When someone confronts you, you get angry at them for making you feel worse than you already do. That might explain why she wasn't on birth control the second time she got pregnant. People who are depressed sometimes just forget the routine things like taking a pill. And if she was busy at work, she might've mistaken her feelings of sadness for fatigue.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 04:38 PM
 
2,494 posts, read 2,471,051 times
Reputation: 1795
All women cheat for emotional reasons

Ive heard that and think thats bs and a built in excuse women have to rationalize cheating by saying theyre partner didnt pay enough attention to them when in reality they cheat for the same reason men do:

Selfishness, Boredom in the relationship/bedroom bored of and being with the same person for a long period of time and wanting something new
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