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Old 03-07-2009, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,769,720 times
Reputation: 660
Thanks I tried to rep you but it says I need to spread it around first.

I have gained some valuable info on human nature but sadly very little on the topic.

I started this thread really to clear up some of the misconceptions I have read on other threads.

I think it is important to understand that people and the decisions they make rarely fit into a neatly definable box. We all place different amounts of weight on a given topic or situation. We do not all share the same morality. We do not all share the same experiences or desires. Rocks and glass houses keep coming to mind..... ya know.

 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,769,720 times
Reputation: 660
Edited cause it double posted. But I see Ivory just keeps on adding to her list of comments where she did not read the post she is replying to. I have hired a professional. You claim he respected you enough to leave before he cheated...... How can you claim her respected you if he treated you this terribly for how many years did you say. Why did you stay in a loveless ....and how ever else you described it............. marriage for 10 years. Do you not think that had an effect on the kids too. Get off the pedestal before you slip. It is so easy to blame others and speak harshly. In the post you responded to I said exactly that we have hired a PRO. I am glad you gave that advice though I never would have thought of that. My oldest is 10(also in a previous post you responded to) He actually holds too much anger towards his mother. He doesn't blame me. I have had to tell him... this is not the best choice and explain how sad I am to have this going on in our family.

Last edited by Boneheaded; 03-07-2009 at 11:20 AM..
 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:14 AM
 
Location: In my skin
7,943 posts, read 8,527,791 times
Reputation: 7706
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
My advice always will be leave before you cheat. Kids finding out their father is a cheater will never be good. As parents, we need to think of what we model for our kids. Acorns don't fall far from the tree. Our kids learn from our actions and how we handle situations. We're modeling how to deal with these situations for them. We need to remember that.
This doesn't apply to me, so I have no use for the "advice". But you have repeated the same thing, over and over, and I think everyone gets it. The OP doesn't agree, so maybe you should give it up.
 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:15 AM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,328 posts, read 15,188,100 times
Reputation: 10805
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
Tried to rep you n got the spread the love message. Thanks.


I think it is important to remember we all place a different value on any given situation or problem. We do not all share the same morality. We do not all share the same desires. We do not all have the experiences from which to make a decision. Rocks and glass houses keep coming to mind.
True. As long as the morality you live is one you want to pass on to your kids, more power to you, because the morality you model for your kids is the one you'll pass on to them. Acorns don't fall too far from the tree. Our kids learn way more by our actions than our words.

Sorry, it never dawned on me you are proud of yourself and glad to pass this morality to your kids. I would be ashamed but I, apparently, have a different morality than you.
 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,769,720 times
Reputation: 660
I am actually very proud to pass on the honesty and self respect it took to end the affair. I am not proud of the choice. I guess you have never allowed your kids to see you make a mistake. I also guess your kids have no idea how to correct something they have done wrong. Do they even know how to take responsibility for their actions.

Hey Chocolate I don't think she is really wrong in what she is saying just a bit too fast on the draw to post a response. Usually people with less than average intelligence revert to personal attacks as a way of mending a pain they perceive you have inflicted on them. I am sorry I hurt you Ivory. This is a sensitive topic for me due to what all is really at stake.
 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:30 AM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,328 posts, read 15,188,100 times
Reputation: 10805
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
This doesn't apply to me, so I have no use for the "advice". But you have repeated the same thing, over and over, and I think everyone gets it. The OP doesn't agree, so maybe you should give it up.
Ask a counselor what cheating does to kids. It's not just my advice. Kids deserve better than cheating parents. I really don't care what adults do but when kids are involved, you have to consider how things impact them.

Cheating is harmful to kids. Eventually, they find out and then they have to deal with the emotional fall out. I don't know of a single situation where a child found out a parent cheated and the outcome was good. They all lost respect for the parent. Most acted out in anger several months after finding out (I don't know if this is typical but those who reacted all had some kind of delayed reaction ranging from angry outbursts, running away, doing drugs or becomming promiscious).

The OP is free to disagree with me but it's really his kids opinions that matter. They are the ones who have to pay the price. Put yourself in a child's shoes. This is not something easy to deal with. How do you justify this to a child in terms they can understand?

I get that the OP's morality considers cheating a good thing in his situation but how do you convince a child of that?
 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:36 AM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,328 posts, read 15,188,100 times
Reputation: 10805
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
I am actually very proud to pass on the honesty and self respect it took to end the affair. I am not proud of the choice. I guess you have never allowed your kids to see you make a mistake. I also guess your kids have no idea how to correct something they have done wrong. Do they even know how to take responsibility for their actions.

Hey Chocolate I don't think she is really wrong in what she is saying just a bit too fast on the draw to post a response. Usually people with less than average intelligence revert to personal attacks as a way of mending a pain they perceive you have inflicted on them. I am sorry I hurt you Ivory. This is a sensitive topic for me due to what all is really at stake.
An affair is not a mistake. It's something you do very deliberately.

Hmmm? So those lacking intelligence launch personal attacks ... sort of like you saying I lack intelligence?? Which is funny because I'm way above average, lol. And it was you who launched into personal attacks by suggesting I must be lacking intelligence. I didn't launch a personal attack. You openly admit to cheating and thinking it was a good thing. I'm pointing out that to your kids it is not good and that a good parent needs to put their kids first.

I simply said you need to consider your kids and what they will have to deal with because of your decision to cheat. And they will. I hope you have the sense to get your kids into counseling. This will not be easy for them to deal with.

Can I ask why you told your oldest child? In what way do you think this benefitted him/her or was it just to clear your conscience? They say confession is good for the soul but it's not always good for the one who has to hear the confession.

Seriously, you need to get your kids into counseling to deal with this no matter what their ages. They have to deal with you cheating on their mother and how that makes them feel about you and their mother and the facade that is their parents marriage. This is tough stuff for children to deal with. Even adult children. Family counseling is in order.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-07-2009 at 11:45 AM..
 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,769,720 times
Reputation: 660
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post

The OP is free to disagree with me but it's really his kids opinions that matter. I wonder what they would say?
The answer is in the post just a few back. My son wants to blame his mother. He has asked her without me even around why she is the way she is. You are exactly correct it can be a nightmare for kids. But you know so is the emotional garbage they have witnessed. My youngest son just thinks relationships are like his 1st grade girlfriends the more the better. You have to know that age makes a huge difference in how they process information. Be careful not to project your personal feelings onto a child. They think differently than you do. Children are very capable of picking up on feelings in the house. They will form an opinion based on all of their experiences not yours.


This is finally getting back to some of the misconceptions. Thanks.
 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:52 AM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,328 posts, read 15,188,100 times
Reputation: 10805
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
The answer is in the post just a few back. My son wants to blame his mother. He has asked her without me even around why she is the way she is. You are exactly correct it can be a nightmare for kids. But you know so is the emotional garbage they have witnessed. My youngest son just thinks relationships are like his 1st grade girlfriends the more the better. You have to know that age makes a huge difference in how they process information. Be careful not to project your personal feelings onto a child. They think differently than you do. Children are very capable of picking up on feelings in the house. They will form an opinion based on all of their experiences not yours.


This is finally getting back to some of the misconceptions. Thanks.
Yes, children pick up on feelings. Never said they didn't. We, however are adults who are capable of deciding to deal with situations without letting our feelings get out of control so kids pick up on them. You can decide to get along for the kids sake and leave no ill feelings for them to pick up on. That's the beauty of being an adult. Once you decide on a course of action, you can decide to be happy with it. We can say, so this isn't exactly what I wanted but I'm going to make the best of it and then do so.

Bottom line is what's best for my kids is what I choose to make me happy. Right now, that's staying with their father. It's the least I can do for my kids. It's enough that we both want our kids to have a happy home. I doubt we'll make it once we no longer share that common goal but we're both adults and can move on when that time comes.
 
Old 03-07-2009, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,769,720 times
Reputation: 660
Sounds like you have got it all figured out. For someone with such an above average intel you can't read to save your life. You claim I say it is a good thing...... WOW not once have I said it was a good thing. I have also said no less than 5 times I have hired a PRO. You still have not been capable of comprehending that. I did not try and confess to my son I said we are going to go to counseling to work on our issues as a family. When he started trying to only point out his mom's flaws, I said no daddy has made some bad choices too. I said that I had been too close of a freind to another woman. You can twist a scenario 9 way past real if you keep letting your mind run. Anyway I am done with the back and forth with Ivory.


I hope I can help someone clear up a misconception. This post is so far off the inteded topic. Please Ivory let it go or contribute a misconception.
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