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Old 03-08-2009, 07:27 PM
 
11,000 posts, read 7,194,308 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I don't agree. A spouse should never assume their spouse will cheat on them. If the relationship is that bad, you leave or if you decide to stay, you don't have the affair. You don't have to have one you know. It's a choice. You don't have to sleep with someone else. You don't have to stay. You talk like it's inevetable. It's not. You can choose to do the right thing. There's nothing stopping you.

No, people should not assume their spouse will cheat. Not in good marriages and not in bad marriages. It is reasonable to believe that if your spouse chooses to stay, they're committed to the union. It makes no sense to stay if they are not.
You are correct. I however, am not saying that its inevitable. I am saying that its possible. Very possible if the partner has some deep anger towards the other. Possible because its an option. and if the partner feels slighted very badly, cheating is perfect of an option to them, because now they get to execute vengeance on the person who did them wrong. Feelings play a big part in betrayal. It doesnt just happen over night.


If someone falls in love with another person who is not their partner, but their husband is a saint, more than likely she will seek a divorce before hurting him in such a horrible way. If she doesnt, then shes just evil and deserves to go to hell.
But if there are anger issues at play...people will get so emotional that they just have to inflict pain. Cheating then happens. Its their way of staying out of jail if they get payback. But they wont seek a divorce because that would mean that they didnt get justice . (In their hearts anyway).

 
Old 03-08-2009, 07:28 PM
 
Location: James Island, SC
1,628 posts, read 2,408,735 times
Reputation: 921
Quote:
Originally Posted by eyewrist View Post
It become more of a group counseling session thread for the cheatees.

I disagree. It became a ninja battle of wits on the philosophy of fidelity with IvoryTickler taking on all-comers, then kicking ass & taking names. Go you!
 
Old 03-08-2009, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, TN
8,002 posts, read 13,263,511 times
Reputation: 12216
Quote:
Originally Posted by eyewrist View Post
It become more of a group counseling session thread for the cheatees.
Oh, ok! Carry On


Just make sure y'all get some tonight
 
Old 03-08-2009, 07:29 PM
 
Location: Went around the corner & now I'm lost!!!!
1,519 posts, read 1,792,895 times
Reputation: 1055
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I didn't read the whole thread, but I don't understand "misconceptions surrounding cheating"

I thought you pretty much don't do it. What is there to misunderstand. Why some cheated, who gives a rats ass why they cheated. They cheated!!!!!
You HAVE to go back to the beginnning, even before that to play catch up.
 
Old 03-08-2009, 07:31 PM
 
Location: James Island, SC
1,628 posts, read 2,408,735 times
Reputation: 921
Quote:
Originally Posted by eyewrist View Post
You HAVE to go back to the beginnning, even before that to play catch up.

Not really. I've been reading from the beginning, and Chowhound pretty much has it nailed
 
Old 03-08-2009, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Went around the corner & now I'm lost!!!!
1,519 posts, read 1,792,895 times
Reputation: 1055
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mearth View Post
I disagree. It became a ninja battle of wits on the philosophy of fidelity with IvoryTickler taking on all-comers, then kicking ass & taking names. Go you!

If you haven't noticed Boneheaded is POOF...Gone.
 
Old 03-08-2009, 07:49 PM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 3,416,285 times
Reputation: 3746
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Not that it's right but you can, kind of, understand where someone might be overwhelmed by a serious illness and have a nervous breakdown because of it. I would hope I'd to better than that in that situation but I've seen more than one situation where I wondered how the caregiver remained standing. It can be a lot to take. Hopefully, you find help from others to help you cope in that situation. Choosing to cheat on your spouse does not compare. That is a deliberate choice made when leaving first was an option but they simply didn't care enough to spare their spouse and kids the pain.
Sorry, but it has to work both ways. If there is absolutely no justification for cheating -- not the stress of caring for someone terminally ill, not depression, not loneliness -- then likewise, there is absolutely no justification for abandonment -- not the stress of caring for someone terminally ill (the spouse, by the way), not depression, not loneliness. Abandonment represents betrayal -- of the spouse and of one's marital vows -- and if you want to see the issue of doing something like that in black and white, you have to see it in black and white across the board. That, without mentioning the fact that in the scenario I gave you, the husband wasn't a caregiver. He never cared for his wife. He abandoned her immediately upon diagnosis. Never visited her once in the hospital -- NOT ONCE. But he sure did do lots of moping around, the hypocrite. There is NO justification for that -- and if she chose to get laid with someone one last time before dying (without complicating the final few weeks of her life by starting a divorce she could never hope to see end), I would have a very hard time excusing him and condemning her. And that, by far, isn't the only disgusting treatment of one spouse by the other that I've seen.

I don't remember who said it, but in all situations in life, when it comes to someone else's conduct, it's all black and white. When it comes to one's own transgressions, there is a million shades of gray. This is a casual, every-day hypocrisy and disingenuousness, that's common to both cheaters and cheatees and practiced without a second thought. I am not condoning cheating, but I wish people would apply the same high standards to themselves as they do to others. Very few people here have admitted to being cheaters, for obvious reasons, so most contributors here arguing from personal experience are cheatees, and while I cannot -- and most certainly will not -- pass judgment on anyone else's specific circumstances -- I have noticed that cheatees tend to invoke every excuse in the book for being rotten to one's spouse short of cheating: that it's okay to grind one's partner into the ground because of "depression", a tough day at work, having to make children dinner, a sagging economy, a stubbed toe, bad weather, strife in the Middle East, etc., etc., etc. a zillion excuses to act like total immoral scum; but suggest there may be attenuating circumstances -- never mind justifications -- surrounding cheating, and there is an immediate switch to moral absolutism.

I also find it intriguing how you treat the difference between an affair and a divorce. Would it really hurt you less if your husband served you with papers (and, if you lived in a "fault state", actually alleged all the bad things you had done to make him leave) and immediately started dating someone else? I understand the moral considerations here, but in terms of your emotional response, would it really have been different? And if the answer is "yes", how common do you think it is for a person to accept divorce as an emotionally less damaging event than an adultery?
 
Old 03-08-2009, 08:15 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,289 posts, read 17,026,488 times
Reputation: 11734
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
Sorry, but it has to work both ways. If there is absolutely no justification for cheating -- not the stress of caring for someone terminally ill, not depression, not loneliness -- then likewise, there is absolutely no justification for abandonment -- not the stress of caring for someone terminally ill (the spouse, by the way), not depression, not loneliness. Abandonment represents betrayal -- of the spouse and of one's marital vows -- and if you want to see the issue of doing something like that in black and white, you have to see it in black and white across the board. That, without mentioning the fact that in the scenario I gave you, the husband wasn't a caregiver. He never cared for his wife. He abandoned her immediately upon diagnosis. Never visited her once in the hospital -- NOT ONCE. But he sure did do lots of moping around, the hypocrite. There is NO justification for that -- and if she chose to get laid with someone one last time before dying (without complicating the final few weeks of her life by starting a divorce she could never hope to see end), I would have a very hard time excusing him and condemning her. And that, by far, isn't the only disgusting treatment of one spouse by the other that I've seen.

I don't remember who said it, but in all situations in life, when it comes to someone else's conduct, it's all black and white. When it comes to one's own transgressions, there is a million shades of gray. This is a casual, every-day hypocrisy and disingenuousness, that's common to both cheaters and cheatees and practiced without a second thought. I am not condoning cheating, but I wish people would apply the same high standards to themselves as they do to others. Very few people here have admitted to being cheaters, for obvious reasons, so most contributors here arguing from personal experience are cheatees, and while I cannot -- and most certainly will not -- pass judgment on anyone else's specific circumstances -- I have noticed that cheatees tend to invoke every excuse in the book for being rotten to one's spouse short of cheating: that it's okay to grind one's partner into the ground because of "depression", a tough day at work, having to make children dinner, a sagging economy, a stubbed toe, bad weather, strife in the Middle East, etc., etc., etc. a zillion excuses to act like total immoral scum; but suggest there may be attenuating circumstances -- never mind justifications -- surrounding cheating, and there is an immediate switch to moral absolutism.

I also find it intriguing how you treat the difference between an affair and a divorce. Would it really hurt you less if your husband served you with papers (and, if you lived in a "fault state", actually alleged all the bad things you had done to make him leave) and immediately started dating someone else? I understand the moral considerations here, but in terms of your emotional response, would it really have been different? And if the answer is "yes", how common do you think it is for a person to accept divorce as an emotionally less damaging event than an adultery?
You cannot compare someone having a nervous breakdown because they are not equipped to deal with a spouses terminal illness to someone choosing to cheat. Cheating is a choice. People don't choose to break down under stress, as can be the case dealing with watching someone you love die. We all hope we have the strength to stand by our loved ones but the toll of watching someone die can be great. How can you for one second compare that to being in a lousy marriage and choosing to cheat?

People who are dealing with dying spouses need a tremendous amount of support. It's an awful sitaution to deal with. Yes, I can see that kind of stress taking it's toll and someone having a mental break down as a result. We're not talking a bad marriage here. We're talking facing death, watching someone die, watching them in agony....There's nothing about this that compares to choosing to cheat on your spouse and trying to excuse it with trivial reasons.

Cheating is a choice. One you don't have to make. If it's that bad leave. At least the person who leaves the ill spouse is honest enough to admit they can't deal with the situation. The cheater is just a liar too. The two do go hand in hand.

I've seen more than one person torn up over a spouses illness. Wondered how they remained standing at the end of the day. Admired that they had the strength to continue. However, having seen that, I can understane reaching your breaking point and not being able to take any more. That's not what the cheater does. They simply seek self gratification and don't care who they hurt in the process. They're not trying to run from pain. They're causing it for others and don't care because all that matters is they get what they want at the moment.

Sorry, but the two situations do not compare in the least.

And yes, being served papers in a divorce is very different from being cheated on. They're two totally different situations. The divorce is, at least, honest. It says we're done. We're moving on. Do you really think I'm staying and sleepnig around on you says the same thing? Someone who divorces me first at least respects me enough to end our relationship before moving on. Someone who'd cheat on me does not respect me, or himself in the least. He's just out for personal gratification.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-08-2009 at 08:31 PM..
 
Old 03-08-2009, 08:28 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,289 posts, read 17,026,488 times
Reputation: 11734
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I didn't read the whole thread, but I don't understand "misconceptions surrounding cheating"

I thought you pretty much don't do it. What is there to misunderstand. Why some cheated, who gives a rats ass why they cheated. They cheated!!!!!
Simple and to the point. Why really doesn't matter does it? They chose to cheat. Period.

I'll tell you one thing. This thread has made me really appreciate that my husband has never blamed anyone but himself. I can't imagine being blamed for his choices by him or anyone. I wasn't there, I didn't make the choice and I didn't do it. I've done plenty of things myself that I am responsible for but he did that all by himself.

You know, he never once tried to justify his actions. He simply appologized and said he never would have if he'd realized there was still a chance for us to reconcile and I do believe he was sincere.
 
Old 03-08-2009, 09:24 PM
 
Location: Miami, FL
3,440 posts, read 3,223,905 times
Reputation: 2121
Quote:
Originally Posted by eyewrist View Post
King David cheated and murdered to have Bathsheba because he got a married woman pregnant. The Lord sent a Prophet to let him know he has sinned using a parable. David repented and God said he was a man after his own heart.

Boneheaded needs a break from you all..he already repented. Put the breaks on it.
You dare question my lord and savior eyewrist!?

Repent or die!
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