U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
 
Old 03-09-2009, 02:43 PM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 3,031,407 times
Reputation: 1960

Advertisements

It's ok bonehead...it's just an oath sworn before god and your family and hers...in todays society it has the value of an expired coupon.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 02:45 PM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 3,031,407 times
Reputation: 1960
Justification...it can explain away ANYTHING!
 
Old 03-09-2009, 02:52 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,845,034 times
Reputation: 660
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
People may have different reasons for cheating, but the act itself is the same. And no matter how a person tries to justify it, it doesn't change the fact that they cheated. You chose to stay in the relationship because you didn't want to deprive your children of their father. I can respect that. Parents, the good ones at least, will sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their kids. But staying means accepting the consequences of that decision. It sounds like you wanted it both ways. Be their for your kids and still have a sex life. And where did you get the idea that when someone cheats, everything the other person did is suddenly forgiven and forgotten? I never said that. If a woman's wife beats her and then she has an affair, does that mean his abusive behavior is suddenly forgiven? Of course not. The two are completely separate. One partner's bad behavior doesn't mitigate the other person's.
Sex was last on the list of my cheating. In my mind looking back the cheating began when I allowed another woman to replace my wife as a support system/confidant and friend. I failed, thinking we are just friends nothing more. Almost 2 years in we became more than just friends. It was not a plan to cheat or anything like that.

Just to avoid the justification post I am not condoning or ask for approval. There are contributing factors to all decisions what you have read from me are nothing more.

Oh and the comment about the past was not aimed at you but the ones that have responded from the stand point of a victim.

Opti at least you bumped your post count with that one liner that is so informative.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:10 PM
 
Location: USA
2,134 posts, read 1,524,605 times
Reputation: 3509
Sadly, most of these people are never going to view you as anything but a villain. That fact that you are trying to make amends and put things right means nothing to them. I think most of them are looking at this from an emotional standpoint. They will always see a situation like this through the lense of a victim.

You would think they would reserve their anger and venom for an unrepentant sinner like me!
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:27 PM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 3,031,407 times
Reputation: 1960
If i can just get everybody to believe ....sometimes bad behavior is ok, or justified...then maybe...mine doesn't sound so bad.

hey whatever. you're in the vast majority of todays people....just DON'T YOU DARE EVER GET MAD AT ANYBODY WHO CHEATS ON YOU...THEY HAD THEIR REASONS! MAYBE EVEN ....GOOD REASONS!
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:38 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,845,034 times
Reputation: 660
Quote:
Originally Posted by optiflex View Post
If i can just get everybody to believe ....sometimes bad behavior is ok, or justified...then maybe...mine doesn't sound so bad.

hey whatever. you're in the vast majority of todays people....just DON'T YOU DARE EVER GET MAD AT ANYBODY WHO CHEATS ON YOU...THEY HAD THEIR REASONS! MAYBE EVEN ....GOOD REASONS!
WOW Really this is "de javu" Have we not already been down the road of clarifying where I stand. Opti IT WAS A BAD CHOICE. Ah to he** with it. Never mind you are right. I am trying to get everyone to tell me I did the right thing so I can go do it again and end up heart broken again.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,773 posts, read 56,045,751 times
Reputation: 37792
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
Thanks I tried to rep you but it says I need to spread it around first.

I have gained some valuable info on human nature but sadly very little on the topic.

I started this thread really to clear up some of the misconceptions I have read on other threads.

I think it is important to understand that people and the decisions they make rarely fit into a neatly definable box. We all place different amounts of weight on a given topic or situation. We do not all share the same morality. We do not all share the same experiences or desires. Rocks and glass houses keep coming to mind..... ya know.

This really is about all you can say at this point - no matter how hard you keep trying to communicate with some of these posters (and I do appreciate your efforts) some of them are like dogs with a bone - they just CANNOT let their feelings go on the issue long enough to be objective.

You have continually tried to make people understand that you ARE NOT looking to get out of the responsibility for your actions - but they can only see what you did, not what you are now trying to do to repair things. Personally, I'd quit wasting my time on this thread if I were you.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck in dealing with all your issues and applaud all your attempts to set things right with your family
 
Old 03-09-2009, 04:24 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,111 posts, read 16,681,529 times
Reputation: 11614
Quote:
Originally Posted by optiflex View Post
It's ok bonehead...it's just an oath sworn before god and your family and hers...in todays society it has the value of an expired coupon.
Sad but true. The way marriage is treated today, I kind of wonder why some people get married.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,111 posts, read 16,681,529 times
Reputation: 11614
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
You are now making all sorts of assumptions without me giving you any basis to make them. The man I was talking about did not have a nervous breakdown (which, even when it happens, is just code for "I don't feel like dealing with this s***"). His wife, who died, wasn't someone he loved. He never cared for her during her illness -- not for a day, not even for an hour. Once she could no longer cook and do laundry, she was of no value to him.

Does being married to someone who is suffering from terminal cancer automatically make you heroic? I think not. But many people seem to think otherwise, and it's one of those misconceptions that drive me up the wall. It's dismaying that one spouse can mistreat another for decades and (I suspect) act as a contributing factor in bringing on their final illness -- and then turn around and use that very illness to score sympathy points. What particularly irritates me is this idea that any misconduct short of cheating -- up to and including discarding a sick spouse like garbage -- can be justified by feelings. In your understanding, it was perfectly all right for this man to abandon his wife, because that's how he was feeling, and you assumed he was suffering from a "nervous breakdown" that made it impossible for him to act like a decent human being. Interestingly, though, this so-called "nervous breakdown" -- in the usual manner of "depressions" used to justify atrocious behavior -- didn't affect his appetite or his sleep; he had enough of a presence of mind not to go out and kill people or destroy things, or otherwise break the law; he was polite and accommodating towards his bosses. So clearly, he was able to overcome the effects of this supposed "nervous breakdown" where doing so was really important to him. Which leads us only to one conclusion -- that giving his wife at least an illusion during the last days of her life that she ever meant something to him was not important enough for him to keep his "feelings" under control.

Abandoning your spouse is a choice. One you don't have to make. If it's so bad that your spouse means nothing to you, leave. Being cruel to your spouse is a choice. Raising your voice at your spouse is a choice. Trivializing things that are important to your spouse is a choice. Humiliating your spouse is a choice. Lending your spouse no emotional support, only taking and never giving anything in return is a choice. Manipulating children, in-laws and friends in order to isolate and hurt your spouse is a choice. Casually bad-mouthing your spouse to your friends and social circle is a choice. And no, feeling bad doesn't justify any of those things. Denying your spouse intimacy and love is a choice. And yes, it involves both lying and outrageous breaches of loyalty. In the case I described, the whole marriage was a lie. It was pretty obvious for years that there was no love, but the woman lived under the misapprehension that she was somehow important to the husband, as his partner and the mother of his children. When he dumped her in that hospital and went on his merry way, he showed her that she meant nothing to him; she was just a tool, a means to an end; and that he had lied to her all those years by leading her to believe otherwise.

There is nothing to admire in a man who bails the moment his wife is diagnosed with cancer. And, using "nervous breakdown" as a justification for doing whatever the hell you want (short of cheating, of course) likewise represents a search for self-gratification without regard for who gets hurt in the process. In fact, this describes pretty accurately most people who claim to suffer from depression. Using a spouse's illness as a justification to mistreat that very spouse is doubly disgusting. And cheaters, too, have pain in their lives that they run from.

There is nothing honest, respectful or soothing in a contested divorce. But, if your experience with divorce was otherwise, I congratulate you on being so lucky.
What I said is I can understand someone finding themselves in a situation they cannot deal with because of a spouses illness, and I can. Some people just aren't equipped to deal with it. That is actually understanable though not desirable. Cheating is never understandable. If you can't deal with the situation then leave. There's, absolutely, no reason to cheat. None. If your marriage is bad, then leave.

Divorce is WAY more honest than cheating on your spouse. The honest thing to do is end one relationship before you begin another. Even a contested divorce is over in time and then you move on once it's over. Choosing to cheat because you can't stand to go through a contested divorce is just lame. How selfish can you get?
 
Old 03-09-2009, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,111 posts, read 16,681,529 times
Reputation: 11614
Quote:
Originally Posted by optiflex View Post
If i can just get everybody to believe ....sometimes bad behavior is ok, or justified...then maybe...mine doesn't sound so bad.

hey whatever. you're in the vast majority of todays people....just DON'T YOU DARE EVER GET MAD AT ANYBODY WHO CHEATS ON YOU...THEY HAD THEIR REASONS! MAYBE EVEN ....GOOD REASONS!
Darn, I have to spread some rep around before I can rep you again.

Funny, but every time I've seen a cheater get cheated on, they acted hurt. The rules seem to change when they're the victim. Suddenly, it's not justifiable anymore.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $84,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top