U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Tennessee bound...someday
2,515 posts, read 4,185,886 times
Reputation: 7107

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Bottom line is what's best for my kids is what I choose to make me happy. Right now, that's staying with their father.... I doubt we'll make it once we no longer share that common goal but we're both adults and can move on when that time comes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Sadly, my husband wants things the way they were but they never can be again. Somehow, it just doesn't seem worth it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
You know, he never once tried to justify his actions. He simply apologized and said he never would have if he'd realized there was still a chance for us to reconcile and I do believe he was sincere.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Different people have different expectations of marriage. If yours don't match your mates then it's time to move on, not time to justify being a louse and cheating.
So I read this entire thread and will throw in my 2 cents to anyone still reading. Ivorytickler, I only bolded these statements so I could ask you something; not to single you out or even find disagreement with you. All this pain he put you through, and you stay for the kids. OK, fine I guess. We all have to play the hand we are dealt and play it OUR way. But if you are going to stay, why not stay for YOURSELF? You say you HAVE to forgive. Christian or not, no one put the locks on your heart - I just don't think it's that easy to forgive simply because the Bible says so.

Obviously your husband sounds like he knows he screwed up. You even say he's sincere about reconciling. Don't you also have an obligation to your vows? For better, for worse? Well this is the worst (hopefully) and here you are saying he's ruined any future. IMO, you owe it to yourself to at least TRY to envision a happier marriage as part of those vows. Some marriages DO survive infidelity.

NO- I am NOT condoning cheating. But I agree 100% with MonaLisaVito and her 4 types. A very close friend of mine has a stronger marriage than ever before - and enduring the pain of her husband's affair is what made it stronger. It was a long road, but they committed to each other to make the needed changes and grow from the experience.

As far as all these pages & pages of posts...well...me thinks it IS NOT so black and white as "cheating is wrong". The OP's original intent to discuss the WHYs of cheating somehow got sideswiped by the "it doesn't matter why" posts. It DOES matter. If one does not want to be the "cheatee", then one should really pay heed to the reasons "cheaters" often give. Because I think most of those reasons could be found in MonaLisa's type 3 description.

As always, IMO

 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:34 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,387 posts, read 29,036,391 times
Reputation: 14443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
No I really didn't thanks for asking though. It was terrible to be honest. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I am telling you this S**t sucks. I never should have allowed the friendship to get that far.
Have you been honest with your wife? Does she know that you feel you've lost your best friend? Does she know your'e mourning the loss of your mistress?

She deserves to know this.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:38 PM
 
10,996 posts, read 10,915,292 times
Reputation: 8336
That would only bring her more pain.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:41 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,387 posts, read 29,036,391 times
Reputation: 14443
Quote:
Originally Posted by piperspal View Post
So I read this entire thread and will throw in my 2 cents to anyone still reading. Ivorytickler, I only bolded these statements so I could ask you something; not to single you out or even find disagreement with you. All this pain he put you through, and you stay for the kids. OK, fine I guess. We all have to play the hand we are dealt and play it OUR way. But if you are going to stay, why not stay for YOURSELF? You say you HAVE to forgive. Christian or not, no one put the locks on your heart - I just don't think it's that easy to forgive simply because the Bible says so.

Obviously your husband sounds like he knows he screwed up. You even say he's sincere about reconciling. Don't you also have an obligation to your vows? For better, for worse? Well this is the worst (hopefully) and here you are saying he's ruined any future. IMO, you owe it to yourself to at least TRY to envision a happier marriage as part of those vows. Some marriages DO survive infidelity.

NO- I am NOT condoning cheating. But I agree 100% with MonaLisaVito and her 4 types. A very close friend of mine has a stronger marriage than ever before - and enduring the pain of her husband's affair is what made it stronger. It was a long road, but they committed to each other to make the needed changes and grow from the experience.

As far as all these pages & pages of posts...well...me thinks it IS NOT so black and white as "cheating is wrong". The OP's original intent to discuss the WHYs of cheating somehow got sideswiped by the "it doesn't matter why" posts. It DOES matter. If one does not want to be the "cheatee", then one should really pay heed to the reasons "cheaters" often give. Because I think most of those reasons could be found in MonaLisa's type 3 description.

As always, IMO
My obligation to our vows ended when he chose to end our vows by cheating. I'm no longer held to them. There is a reason I have refused to renew our vows. "until death do us part" kind of turned out to be "until I see something else I like" last time and if you do the same thing you did before, you, usually, get the same results.

No, it doesn't matter why someone cheats. That's like saying that it matters why someone drove drunk when they killed someone. The reason doesn't change that lives were destroyed. No reason can justify cheating and the damage it does. It's really a cruel thing to do to your spouse.

If I were acting for myself, I would not be here. Honestly, it was only the magnitude of my daughter's issues (which came to light during the divorce) and knowing that the fastest way to fix her was to repair our marriage that got me to agree to a reconcilliation. Once he started seeing her, the marriage was over in spirit and in truth. Legally, it was never ended but it has been reduced to a piece of paper.

I can't say if we'll make it. I'm here for my kids. To some extent, he is too, though I do believe he wishes things could be like they once were but I don't think that can happen. The bridge back that way has been destroyed. Time will tell what's left whe the kids are gone. They are, very much, the glue that holds our marriage together right now.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-09-2009 at 03:50 PM..
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:56 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 2,435,820 times
Reputation: 683
Yes actually she does know. I have allowed my wife to have my email password and she has seen the emails. I have sent received and then blocked from her.

Ivory so much of what you have said to me needs to be said to your hubby. I understand you are hurt and bitter after what happened to you.

I really do wish you luck in your marriage.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,387 posts, read 29,036,391 times
Reputation: 14443
Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001 View Post
That would only bring her more pain.
But she deserves to know where she stands so she can decide if she wants to be in this marriage. It is living a lie to not tell her and stay. He may have ended the affair, physically, but it's still going on emotionally as he lives with his famiy and mourns for his mistress, his self proclaimed, best friend who is no longer there.

Very unfair situation for her.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:59 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 2,435,820 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
But she deserves to know where she stands so she can decide if she wants to be in this marriage. It is living a lie to not tell her and stay. He may have ended the affair, physically, but it's still going on emotionally as he lives with his famiy and mourns for his mistress, his self proclaimed, best friend who is no longer there.

Very unfair situation for her.
Assuming I lied and didn't tell her.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,387 posts, read 29,036,391 times
Reputation: 14443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
Yes actually she does know. I have allowed my wife to have my email password and she has seen the emails. I have sent received and then blocked from her.

Ivory so much of what you have said to me needs to be said to your hubby. I understand you are hurt and bitter after what happened to you.

I really do wish you luck in your marriage.
I'm glad she knows. If she didn't, it would be such a hard blow if she decided to work on the marriage and then found out later.

My husband knows where I stand. It hasn't been discussed in so many words but my refusal to renew our vows says all that needs to be said. I won't renew them until I feel he's someone I can commit to again. I don't know if I'll ever feel that again. After all, I was a fool to have trusted him the first time.

As my mom used to say, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.".
 
Old 03-09-2009, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,387 posts, read 29,036,391 times
Reputation: 14443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
Assuming I lied and didn't tell her.
You wouldn't be the first but I just read your post where you said she knew. She needs to know so that's good. At least it's all in the open so any decisions are made under full accounting.
 
Old 03-09-2009, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 2,435,820 times
Reputation: 683
Ivory you really do need to talk it out. I can tell by reading your posts the kids matter alot to you. Staying is only healthy if you are happy. I can not even claim to have made the best choices(please don't think I am condemning you). Please take it from a male in this situation; if you continue to hold in reserve your feelings and heart, he will not feel the connection and will likely stray again. I don't think this is what you want. I do think you are trying to stay guarded so that he can't hurt you again. Should I say I am a fool for believing my wifes vows? I do not think my wife inteded to withdrawl emotionaly. I think she suffered a slightly stronger than mild depression that has gone on un checked for far too long.

Once again GOOD LUCK.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top