Misconceptions Surrounding Cheating

[Boneheaded]

I was naive to think I could start a thread like this without getting my head bitten off. Sorry for the drama that ensued. I hope a few of you gained something from this, I know I did.

[MonaLisaVito]

Originally Posted by sueprnova

you make it sound so dirty

I love dirty!

[MonaLisaVito]

Originally Posted by Boneheaded

I was naive to think I could start a thread like this without getting my head bitten off. Sorry for the drama that ensued. I hope a few of you gained something from this, I know I did.

Ah, don't worry. Really the only person you need to justify yourself to is your wife, and if you are religious, to God. And God is a forgiving God.

[Colddiamond102]

What if the people involved arent married, but have just been "dating" for forever? Does that change anything?

[sueprnova]

if you are in an exclusive relationship, yes. have the decency to end the relationship before you step out.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by sueprnova

temptation001, I agree with that whole heartedly.
I think that if, after adultery, you choose to stay together, and you say you are doing it for the kids...don't you think that the kids deserve parents who show them how to tough it out? What I mean is...if you stay together and the marriage is reduced to a piece of paper, only...that the kids,as they age are going to think that your example of a marriage is what they're going to think is status quo? Is there laughter, fun, love, affection? How do your kids learn the awesomeness that marriage CAN be?
If you choose to stay together shouldn't you work on making your marriage work? Not that it will happen over night....but if you're going to invest time...shouldn't it be worthwhile time?
Or are you biding your time til the kids are older and you can split?
Life is too short to waste precious time.
yeah, bad cheater...
However, as husband or wife... if you have cheated and you come back truely repentant of what you have done and commit to making your relationship as good as you 2 can make it...Is not forgiveness an (unspoken) higher road?

What my kids are growing up seeing is that families are worth working together to preserve. Whether or not we survive as a couple past that has nothing to do with it. My kids will have a stable and pleasant home to grow up in. I think what people miss is that you can choose to be happy in your situation once you commit to the situation. You don't have to sit and make each other miserable or make yourself misterable because your spouse isn't this or that or doesn't do this or that. We're adults.

Kids can do way worse than parents who want to work together to keep their home together. Personally, I think that should be a personal goal of every parent. To want to work with your children's other parent to make the best home life for them. It's just not about us right now. We'll get to us later. What I don't know is if there will be an US when we're done. Who knows maybe he will have earned my trust by then but earn it he must this time. I gave it to him once and he threw it away.

And yes, I trusted that as long as we were married, he wouldn't be with someone else. I expected him to not only wait for the divorce to be final but wait a respectable time afterwards because we had kids involved and they needed to take one thing at a time.

PS. Edited to add, this is what I WANT to do, what I CHOOSE to do. This is not some sacrifice I make my kids will one day feel guilty for. They have nothing to feel guilty for. It is important to ME to provide them with a stable and pleasant home. So I do. It's also important for him that we do (quilt driven on his part). So we do. The difference is he is certain he wants there to be an US when the kids are gone and I'm not sure we can ever get out from under the shadow of his past choices. It's hard to trust someone to stay when they've already left and taken up with someone else once. I do trust he would not cheat while living with me. He'd leave first. I just don't trust he won't leave because he found something he thought was better again.

[Redisca]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I expected him to not only wait for the divorce to be final but wait a respectable time afterwards because we had kids involved and they needed to take one thing at a time.

Really? You would expect exclusivity even after the divorce? And for a "respectable time"? I wonder, in a divorce that takes 5 or 8 years to become finalized (which is common where I live), what's "respectable time" during which you believe the husband must remain celibate? And incidentally, what spousal functions would you perform during the divorce and for a "respectable time" afterwards? (Don't say how you'd be a good mother, because that's not the same as being a wife, and frankly, children have nothing to do with dating, but are often used as a universal excuse to practice petty domestic tyranny.) I mean, would you put out during that "respectable time"? How can you possibly claim exclusivity on your spouse while the marriage is in dissolution, and especially afterwards?

[piperspal]

Originally Posted by Colddiamond102

What if the people involved arent married, but have just been "dating" for forever? Does that change anything?

hell yeah, that most certainly does change things. I agree w/ sueprnova that yes, you should have enough respect for your "significant" other to make a clean break first, but good luck with that happening. Especially if the couple has been "dating" for years and doesn't even live together!

From every other standpoint - especially a legal one - if you aren't married, don't expect the relationship to have the same restrictions and bonds that a marriage holds. I was a child of the 70s and knew lots of couples who were living together as husband & wife for years without the official pc. of paper. That was back when you'd hear the term "common-law marriage" a lot.

No marriage license? Then don't get too comfy. Don't be so confident that your relationship won't be vulnerable to outside influence. Yes, I know there are those that have been managing quite well this way for years. Kudos to them - I think they are the exception, not the rule.

[Boneheaded]

Guys I am going to ask for this thread to get closed. This has turned into a repetitive mess; where few are actually commenting on what has been said. I hope something good has come out of it for at least one of you.

The sad truth is marriage and relationships can be extremely hurtful. Take an active role in keeping your marriage together. I can tell you this is the worst place to wake up to. Good Luck on what you guys are going through. I hope it works out for you. Do not cheat it is bad.

[Twinkle Toes]

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