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Old 03-06-2009, 08:13 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,765,020 times
Reputation: 660
If you are looking at a one off offer sure it is easy....... Do you really simplify everything in life to a snap decision or choice?

 
Old 03-06-2009, 08:37 AM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 3,178,481 times
Reputation: 3732
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rance View Post
It's real easy not to put yourself in a cheating position. If you've got any respect for yourself and/or your spouse...you shouldn't even have to think twice about it. Just say no!
Yes, being celibate while married is easy ... you shouldn't even have to think twice about it. Just say "lifelong celibacy"!
 
Old 03-06-2009, 08:51 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,765,020 times
Reputation: 660
I really hope you are being sarcastic.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 08:53 AM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 3,178,481 times
Reputation: 3732
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
I really hope you are being sarcastic.
I am.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 08:58 AM
 
Location: USA
2,130 posts, read 1,391,668 times
Reputation: 3502
Quote:
Originally Posted by Connecticut Pam View Post
I think you may have hit on a seriously touchy subject with a lot of folks on here, me included. My ex husband was the KING of cheating and I was the COURT JESTER for having stayed with him for 11 years throughout all of it.

Cheating people are for the most part folks who should never have gotten married to begin with. Life to a cheater is one big game and not to be taken seriously. Nothing in this world or in THEIR world satisfies them and YES they need their ego stroked all the friggin time. I do not believe that Cheaters cheat because they are "not getting what they need at home". My ex got EVERYTHING he needed at home and it was still not enough...he drank, did drugs, chased women and was emotionally abusive. Cheating for him was just another high like a drug and nothing not even a child, a nice home a wife who worked and a good family stopped him.

My question back at you and to others on this forum is that how can something like Cheating carry any misconceptons with it when the whole concept of it is so wrong? Good Grief
First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that you had to live with such an awful person. You seem like a wonderful person, I think it's horrible that you had to deal with that.

However, I think you are looking at the world through the prism of your own experiences. I consider myself a "Cheater" because I have done it before. I haven't for about 2 years because I have been resisting the urge, but I am a cheater.

Not all cheaters fit the characteristics you describe. Some DO cheat because they are "not getting what they need at home". This may sound petty and selfish to you, but being denied sex from your SO repeatedly for years and years can be a form of emotional abuse. It erodes your self-esteem, makes you question your attractiveness and gives you the feeling that you are missing out. When your friends joke around about their randy husbands, you just smile and laugh. To tell any of your friends or relatives would be a true betrayal, so you keep it all inside.

And don't tell me, "Just divorce him then, don't cheat." I am NOT going to rip my kids away from their dad just so I can get laid. I love my husband, I really do. In many ways he is the best man I know. He is my best friend. I am just not willing to go the rest of my life without sex for him. The resentment that would build up in me would affect my attitude and behavior and quite frankly, probably turn me into a bitter, *itchy hag. I would rather have a very quiet, discreet, unemotional fling periodically. What he doesn't know, won't hurt him. And I am careful enough that he will never know.

If you want to hate me or judge me for this, that's fine, go ahead. Just know that not everything is as black and white as you would like. Some cheaters really are SOBs, but some of us are just trying to make the best of a difficult situation.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,128 posts, read 23,951,315 times
Reputation: 12202
Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that you had to live with such an awful person. You seem like a wonderful person, I think it's horrible that you had to deal with that.

However, I think you are looking at the world through the prism of your own experiences. I consider myself a "Cheater" because I have done it before. I haven't for about 2 years because I have been resisting the urge, but I am a cheater.

Not all cheaters fit the characteristics you describe. Some DO cheat because they are "not getting what they need at home". This may sound petty and selfish to you, but being denied sex from your SO repeatedly for years and years can be a form of emotional abuse. It erodes your self-esteem, makes you question your attractiveness and gives you the feeling that you are missing out. When your friends joke around about their randy husbands, you just smile and laugh. To tell any of your friends or relatives would be a true betrayal, so you keep it all inside.

And don't tell me, "Just divorce him then, don't cheat." I am NOT going to rip my kids away from their dad just so I can get laid. I love my husband, I really do. In many ways he is the best man I know. He is my best friend. I am just not willing to go the rest of my life without sex for him. The resentment that would build up in me would affect my attitude and behavior and quite frankly, probably turn me into a bitter, *itchy hag. I would rather have a very quiet, discreet, unemotional fling periodically. What he doesn't know, won't hurt him. And I am careful enough that he will never know.

If you want to hate me or judge me for this, that's fine, go ahead. Just know that not everything is as black and white as you would like. Some cheaters really are SOBs, but some of us are just trying to make the best of a difficult situation.
Until he does some checking up on you, does a google search and reads your post.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 09:12 AM
 
Location: USA
2,130 posts, read 1,391,668 times
Reputation: 3502
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes View Post
Until he does some checking up on you, does a google search and reads your post.
A Google search on who? Book Lover 21?
 
Old 03-06-2009, 09:24 AM
 
7,315 posts, read 7,784,640 times
Reputation: 5994
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
Quite right -- cheating isn't a "mistake" in the same sense that, say, getting on the wrong train is a mistake; an affair involves a deliberate course of conduct, often over a long period of time. That said, however, I take issue with the tendency to ignore the innocent spouse's responsibility (a shared responsibility, granted, but a responsibility nonetheless) for the deteriorating quality of the marriage prior to the affair. It is as if, once one spouse cheats, the other is automatically forgiven for all other transgressions -- for being abusive, unloving, uncooperative, severe, etc. There is no excuse for cheating, but there is also no excuse for abandonment, either (and when I say "abandonment", I also include the kind of abandonment where the spouses continue to share their residence, but one of them completely and irreversibly stops being a spouse, and refuses to do anything about it). Abandonment is an act of betrayal; it too, is a prolonged and deliberate course of conduct, and in my opinion, it is just as huge a wrong as adultery. Adultery is, first and foremost, an act of taking away one's love from one's spouse. Abandonment is the same thing, and just because you don't transfer that love onto someone else doesn't make it one iota better. Again, there is no excuse for cheating -- but in many marriages, the non-cheater's conduct forces his or her spouse to make some tough choices, none of them being ideal. In a situation where one of the spouses wants to maintain the marriage only in name and only as a front, insisting on fidelity is cruel, hypocritical and unrealistic -- and I'm bothered by the idea that the spouse wronged by abandonment must shoulder the entire burden for resolving the situation to the satisfaction of both parties.
I strongly disagree with this. Emotional abandonment is wrong, no question. But I don't equate that with cheating. Emotional abandonment isn't necessarily a deliberate act. It happens over time and often the guilty party doesn't realize they're doing it. If you've been with someone long enough, it's easy to start taking them for granted. You come home after a long day and you're too tired to have sex. You're dealing with the kids and household chores so maybe you don't have the energy to listen to your spouse complain about his lousy job. In the back of your mind, you're thinking it's OK because you'll always have tomorrow. Whenever I hear someone complaining that their husband's no longer affectionate with them or their wife's no longer in the mood for sex, I can't help but wonder how many of these people actually confront their spouses. Do they stop that person and say "I'm not happy with the way you've been treating me" or do they just go and complain to their best friend or therapist.

So many relationships fail simply because of a lack of communication. I knew a guy who had a sales job which had him traveling a lot. One day, he discovered his wife was cheating on him. When he asked why, she said he wasn't around enough for him. But here's the kicker. She never told him how she felt. You can't blame someone for treating you badly if you never tell them they're treating you badly and give them the chance to fix their behavior. Cause if you don't, you send the message that everything's fine.

Now, I don't care for people who play the victim. But in this case, I think the person who's been cheated on because he or she emotionally abandoned their spouse is a victim. If you're that other person and you feel your significant other has abandoned you, then you have two choices. Confront that person and give them the chance to change their ways or just walk away. I've been cheated on and I know how terrible it feels. Not only do you wonder how someone you loved could hurt you like that, you also start to have doubts about yourself. What did I do or not do to deserve this? Why didn't she just tell me how she felt? If my partner came to me and said I'm not affectionate enough or I don't give her enough of my time or whatever, I would be going out of my way to improve. But if she says nothing, then I'll assume everything's fine. If the situation were reversed and my partner wasn't around for me, I wouldn't run to another woman. I'd confront my partner, tell her how I feel, and if she wasn't going to change, I'd end the relationship. Why is it so hard for people to just walk away? If emotional abandonment really does mean the relationship is effectively over, then why not make it official? I stand by my previous post. There's no excuse for cheating. Even if the person being cheated on is guilty of emotional abandonment, that still doesn't justify cheating. End the relationship first. Then move on.

Last edited by DennyCrane; 03-06-2009 at 09:33 AM..
 
Old 03-06-2009, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,765,020 times
Reputation: 660
Thank you so much for your honesty Book Lover. Rep points to you! I am not in the same situation. My affair was driven more on emotional than sexual desires. But I can see how that would be just as bad. My wife would "offer" obligatory sex once a month or so. It was not like she was really into it... I started to think Damn do I suck that bad. (the affair taught me otherwise) It was kind of a blow to the ego but not enough on its own to make me stray. Long story short over 2 years finishing my masters I developed a really strong friendship with a woman who was also in a failed marriage. We both had openly stated our desire to keep it platonic. Cliche time.... She had a major fight with her SO. I was in the middle of one with my SO. We met to vent and ended up on the trunk of my car on a deserted road. We should have left it at that. We continued. Now I am loosing a great friend and lover. Hopefully my wife and I can save our marriage and build the same connection I am loosing.
 
Old 03-06-2009, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,765,020 times
Reputation: 660
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
So many relationships fail simply because of a lack of communication. I knew a guy who had a sales job which had him traveling a lot. One day, he discovered his wife was cheating on him. When he asked why, she said he wasn't around enough for him. But here's the kicker. She never told him how she felt. You can't blame someone for treating you badly if you never tell them they're treating you badly and give them the chance to fix their behavior. Cause if you don't, you send the message that everything's fine.

I've been cheated on and I know how terrible it feels. Not only do you wonder how someone you loved could hurt you like that, you also start to have doubts about yourself. What did I do or not do to deserve this? Why didn't she just tell me how she felt? If my partner came to me and said I'm not affectionate enough or I don't give her enough of my time or whatever, I would be going out of my way to improve.
In my case I have spent years trying to work it out and communicate the problems. I am not about to leave my kids with a mother that effectively can not be the mother they need. I can not get custody due to 2 felonies at 17yrs old. I have not even had a traffic stop since, but my wife is in an extremely prominent position. The state we live in rarely grants a father custody and never in my case. I will not be so selfish as to impact my boys that terribly ever again. Just like I would not leave my wife I will not repeat this nightmare. I should not have even allowed the friendship to become that strong before the sex every started.

You have felt the pain of cheating and know firsthand how terrible the impact is. I can understand how you would be able to say never. Just remember we are the sum of all our experiences. You might have made the same choice I did. You can't say you wouldn't till you have lived it in my shoes.
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