Misconceptions Surrounding Cheating (lover, attractiveness, husbands, attractive)

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Redisca

Quite right -- cheating isn't a "mistake" in the same sense that, say, getting on the wrong train is a mistake; an affair involves a deliberate course of conduct, often over a long period of time. That said, however, I take issue with the tendency to ignore the innocent spouse's responsibility (a shared responsibility, granted, but a responsibility nonetheless) for the deteriorating quality of the marriage prior to the affair. It is as if, once one spouse cheats, the other is automatically forgiven for all other transgressions -- for being abusive, unloving, uncooperative, severe, etc. There is no excuse for cheating, but there is also no excuse for abandonment, either (and when I say "abandonment", I also include the kind of abandonment where the spouses continue to share their residence, but one of them completely and irreversibly stops being a spouse, and refuses to do anything about it). Abandonment is an act of betrayal; it too, is a prolonged and deliberate course of conduct, and in my opinion, it is just as huge a wrong as adultery. Adultery is, first and foremost, an act of taking away one's love from one's spouse. Abandonment is the same thing, and just because you don't transfer that love onto someone else doesn't make it one iota better. Again, there is no excuse for cheating -- but in many marriages, the non-cheater's conduct forces his or her spouse to make some tough choices, none of them being ideal. In a situation where one of the spouses wants to maintain the marriage only in name and only as a front, insisting on fidelity is cruel, hypocritical and unrealistic -- and I'm bothered by the idea that the spouse wronged by abandonment must shoulder the entire burden for resolving the situation to the satisfaction of both parties.

Rep points to you - great post! I don't think adultery is "okay" but I sure know some situations where I could predict it before it happened based on the way the "victim" spouse (the one who eventually gets cheated on) treated their partner. Not saying that happens in ALL cases where a spouse cheats, but it does happen in a fair number of cases.

I knew a guy once - GREAT guy, fun, smart, physically fit, generous - the whole package. He tried FOR YEARS to get his wife to get involved with anything they could do together - he wasn't picky either - he would have done basket weaving with her, lol. She was just not interested in doing anything but things you do alone like reading.

Over time he got very lonely and really regretted not having a true partner for a spouse. When he realized he was on the verge of becoming a cheater he just walked away from the marriage. Oh boy did she play the victim, to the hilt! He went on to find a woman who was interested in living life and doing things with him. That marriage is still going strong And his ex? She still plays the victim and tells everyone how he left her. What I wish I could get her to understand is, SHE left him years before he left her and I just can't feel too sorry for her.

[WyoNewk]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Cat
There is NO JUSTIFIABLE REASON to cheat.

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

None? Not even one??

Suppose you were 30 years old - young and virile with a great sex drive and sex life. Then one day your much loved wife is hit by a drunk driver and thrown into a vegatative coma. Eventually you move her to a nursing home because doctors tell you there is nothing else they can do. She remains in that coma for ten years, not ever talking or giving any indication that she knows you are even there. After years of dealing with this and all the grief and lonliness you would have to endure, can you not imagine being STARVED for some human contact? Maybe not even sex, but just a woman's touch or attention??
You don't want to divorce your wife because she needs you and your benefits perhaps.

Would you REALLY condemn a man in this position if in desparation he found some brief comfort in the arms of someone else??

Now, I'm not saying that's what I would do - but I sure as hell would never have the audacity to think I have the right to judge someone in this situation.

This is an extreme example - but there are others not quite as extreme that I would STILL not judge people for - they'll answer to God one day for it, just like we all will.

I personally don't think your case is as "extreme" as the case wherein one partner only acts like he/she is in a coma when the other wants intimacy. Unfortunately, the latter case isn't too rare. I'd be much less likely to "cheat" if my wife was unable to communicate rather than unwilling to do so.

Originally Posted by Redisca

... I take issue with the tendency to ignore the innocent spouse's responsibility (a shared responsibility, granted, but a responsibility nonetheless) for the deteriorating quality of the marriage prior to the affair. It is as if, once one spouse cheats, the other is automatically forgiven for all other transgressions -- for being abusive, unloving, uncooperative, severe, etc. There is no excuse for cheating, but there is also no excuse for abandonment, either (and when I say "abandonment", I also include the kind of abandonment where the spouses continue to share their residence, but one of them completely and irreversibly stops being a spouse, and refuses to do anything about it). Abandonment is an act of betrayal; it too, is a prolonged and deliberate course of conduct, and in my opinion, it is just as huge a wrong as adultery. Adultery is, first and foremost, an act of taking away one's love from one's spouse. Abandonment is the same thing, and just because you don't transfer that love onto someone else doesn't make it one iota better. Again, there is no excuse for cheating -- but in many marriages, the non-cheater's conduct forces his or her spouse to make some tough choices, none of them being ideal. In a situation where one of the spouses wants to maintain the marriage only in name and only as a front, insisting on fidelity is cruel, hypocritical and unrealistic -- and I'm bothered by the idea that the spouse wronged by abandonment must shoulder the entire burden for resolving the situation to the satisfaction of both parties.

In a business contract when one party breaks the contract it's usually over. In a marriage contract one can break the contract but the marriage continues, usually followed by more parts of the contract being broken and ignored until one party finally divorces the other. Somehow, it seems that emotional abandonment is understandable, but adultery is unforgivable. I don't see one as being any worse than the other.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by MonaLisaVito

I've seen nothing but honesty in his posts. Yeah, maybe we don't like what he said or what he has done, maybe some people are cringing, but I'm not him, so I don't understand it. He realizes he has a problem and is trying to work on it. I don't think he needs to sit on here and apologize over and over again to us.

I'm not that quick to judge, either. Anybody can find him/herself in group 2 or 3...

Originally Posted by Mr.Cat

There is NO JUSTIFIABLE REASON to cheat.

That's quite funny coming from you considering I vividly remember your introductory Chucky E Cheese thread and I'm also painfully familiar with all your other areas of interest.

[Rance]

Originally Posted by MonaLisaVito

Now this is my own personal opinion here. I believe that there are four kinds of people in life.

1. The serial cheater. This man or woman will cheat no matter what, no matter how good they got it. Monogamy is just not for them. Nothing wrong with not being into monogamy, just remain single for the rest of the populations sake please.

2. The one hit wonder. This man or woman at one point in their life, maybe when they are feeling low, will get caught up in a moment and cheat. It's a one time thing, they deeply regret it and never do it again in their lifetime. These types of things should be swept under the carpet and put behind you.

3. The lonely cheater. This man or woman does not want to cheat, never in a million years thought they would cheat, they themselves despise cheaters, yet, they find themselves in an affair. Like you said, not out of vengeance, not to purposely hurt anyone, not for sex. I think they are desperately lonely. Maybe they have been neglected by their spouses, sex or intimacy has been withheld. This feeling usually progresses over years of being in a bad marriage where nobody attempts to fix the problems and communication has ended. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, but these affairs are probably the most common. I have seen it over the years with friends and acquaintances. It's a shame most people let their marriages get this bad. Loneliness can make the most noble person do weird things.

4. The last person just will not cheat no matter what.

I'm a #4!
Only a lowlife would cheat on a spouse. Why not just end the relationship first? I find it pathetic someone would be so selfish and inconsiderate.

[pigeonhole]

I'm a #3 and I defy any holier-than-thou pass on me a moral judgment.

[Connecticut Pam]

I think you may have hit on a seriously touchy subject with a lot of folks on here, me included. My ex husband was the KING of cheating and I was the COURT JESTER for having stayed with him for 11 years throughout all of it.

Cheating people are for the most part folks who should never have gotten married to begin with. Life to a cheater is one big game and not to be taken seriously. Nothing in this world or in THEIR world satisfies them and YES they need their ego stroked all the friggin time. I do not believe that Cheaters cheat because they are "not getting what they need at home". My ex got EVERYTHING he needed at home and it was still not enough...he drank, did drugs, chased women and was emotionally abusive. Cheating for him was just another high like a drug and nothing not even a child, a nice home a wife who worked and a good family stopped him.

My question back at you and to others on this forum is that how can something like Cheating carry any misconceptons with it when the whole concept of it is so wrong? Good Grief

[thriftylefty]

It seems that Marriage is only 100% effective when it comes to raising Kids. For a marriage to meet 100% of the needs of two people is rare. Judging from some of the responses, sex may not be very high on the list of reasons people cheat. we cross that line with out knowing that it is there. by the time you find your self in bed with some one other than your SO, you've allowed that person to meet so many other of your needs, the sex is easy.

"tempted many times, pursuaded not once"

[coffeeaholic]

I really think people need to not only be sure of the person you are making a commitment to, but also need to be ready to make & keep that commitment. I have seen so many friends (myself included) who moved too fast and ended up unhappy, leading straight to divorce. Unfortunately, it took me 40 years to grasp this.

You can never be sure, because people change or go through mid-life crises' that can still turn your world upside down but I think if you take your time & get to know the person - AND dont ignore the red flags, that you are more apt to take your marriage more serious.

I think they should make it harder to get married as well as harder to get divorced - then people wouldnt jump so fast.

[Boneheaded]

Ok to the lady that had the 11 crisis with a serial cheater.... I am sorry. This thread was really more aimed at the people that cheat due to looking for emotional connection their spouse refused to give.

Some great points are made about the faithful spouse being forgiven for all past problems. I am not a horn dog that looks to lay everything walking. I wanted to be in a happy healthy marriage.

I think if you are so willing to divorce at the drop of a hat, you are not really marriage material. What about being a parent? In my case, my boys would suffer greatly without me in their day to day lives. So what.... I am supposed to be a selfish ass and tell them sorry you were born to this woman........

Hey as I have said too many times. It is wrong!

All of you that say you would never...... I hope never have to see if you would......

The facts are out there to prove that just over 33% of relationships one or both have or will cheat.

That tells me at least a few of you are so adamantly against it cause you are doing it.

Hey in this world be careful who and how you condemn.... It can be you really fast.

[Rance]

It's real easy not to put yourself in a cheating position. If you've got any respect for yourself and/or your spouse...you shouldn't even have to think twice about it. Just say no!