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Old 03-09-2009, 12:30 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,761,803 times
Reputation: 660
Default Ending a Toxic relationship.

For those of you who know my story this will make more sense.

I have recently notified my lover and great friend of my intentions to end the affair. We had an emotional night this last friday where we both acknowledged all of the reasons we can not continue. Saturday I ignored her calls and text messages; spent sunday trying not to call her. Today she emailed how sad she is to have lost a confidant, friend, and lover. I feel her pain broke down and called her. I am not going to see her again, and don't plan on talking to her again.


Any advice?
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Old 03-09-2009, 12:35 PM
 
Location: The best little city in the country
267 posts, read 516,036 times
Reputation: 356
I don't know your story - is there a reason you can't still be her friend without sleeping with her?

I had a wonderful friend (my best friend, actually) who I had what sounds like a similar relationship with. When we stopped sleeping together for a variety of reasons, we basically set up very clear rules. We did not see each other in person, unless it was daylight, and other people were present with us. We spoke politely to each others spouses, and made a concerted effort to keep them as a part of our conversations. We realized that our love life was toxic, but our friendship was too strong to give up on - and, we made it work.

If the friendship is built on the sex, it won't work out. But if it was the other way around, and you don't want to lose the friendship - build the ground rules now, and there is still a chance. Just depends on how strong you can both be, while you get more comfortable with the idea that what you're doing really is for the best.
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Old 03-09-2009, 12:55 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,761,803 times
Reputation: 660
How is that working out for you? How long have you guys been friends and not lovers after the fact? Yeah that might work. Only thing is I don't Nahhhh. who am I kidding. My wife would never trust that we could keep it platonic. Plus I don't think I could maintain a relationship with her. I love her more than I should. No way I can repair my marriage and be around her.
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Old 03-09-2009, 12:58 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,795,587 times
Reputation: 9765
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boneheaded View Post
Any advice?
Keep looking at your wedding ring and think about how important your marriage is to you. Hopefully, you are still in love with your wife.
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:02 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 2,679,742 times
Reputation: 1565
Default Ending a Toxic Relationship

If you are truly intent on ending this relationship, do not continue to answer her emails or phone messages. You are sending the wrong signals if you do. Sometimes it is harder for one person to let go than it is for the other and most of the time, it is the woman especially if she was the dumpee and not the dumper. Hurts the ego pretty good and if she is older then of course the first issue is she blames her age and then it turns desperate sometimes. Do not have any further contact with her and move on.
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:05 PM
 
28,786 posts, read 16,763,405 times
Reputation: 13908
Since you have made the decision to try to save your marriage and reconcile...there is NO WAY you should have any contact at all with the woman ever again. It isn't fair to anyone at all, least of all being your wife.

Clean break, DELETE emails, cellphone numbers, text messages, put everything in a trash bag and move on.

Last edited by Mathguy; 03-09-2009 at 01:13 PM..
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,318 posts, read 13,607,763 times
Reputation: 21558
I agree. If its your decision to make your marriage work, then give her your all! This does not include your past relationship with your friend/lover.
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
6,509 posts, read 8,081,518 times
Reputation: 8341
I agree 100% with Mathguy and yankeegirl. I doubt you could go back to being "just friends", and even if you could, it wouldn't be fair to your wife. She'd never trust you, with good reason.
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:20 PM
Status: "I ignore foolish trolls" (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,836 posts, read 10,284,159 times
Reputation: 16289
Ask yourself if you truly want to repair your marriage. If so, then it's time to remove any temptation from your like that will serve as an obstacle. If you still feel you need whatever it is your getting out of relationships outside of your marriage, then be prepared to face this juncture over and over again. At some point, affairs reach a point in which you are either stuck in neutral or moving forward. Moving forward means you divorce your wife for another women, which typically never works out in the long haul. Staying in neutral is what you have right now in your marriage. At some point you'll need to make a clean break from your marriage if you ever want to be truly happy with someone else. Unless all you want is a physical relationship, but even those tend to get complicated after awhile.

Give your marriage 100% and if it doesn't work at least you know you gave it your all. Carrying on a fling is not giving it your all. Sacrifices have to be made. If you do reach the point where you realize divorce is the only option, it won't be easy. There is no easy way out of a relationship, someone is going to get hurt.
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 1,761,803 times
Reputation: 660
Wyo, yankee,math guy, you are exactly right. As of now I am not really in love with my wife. (many years of shared problems) I do love her. I don't want to hurt her. The first response had me monetarily hopeful.(better judgment kicked in before I could finish posting. Haha. It does really suck though. I deleted the email account she had. Can't change the number but had hers blocked. This is such a dirty mess. BTW I don't think age has anything to do with it. She is 9 years younger than me. But yeah pride is probably part of it. She has had self esteem issues.

This almost feels like a twelve step program. One day at a time. Yeah?
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