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Most important thing Mathguy, (and I owe you the best advice I can come up with), without stamping a disclaimer on yourself, be an open book, you've got nothin' to hide. You'll be saving yourself and them (whether they appreciate it at the time or not), a lot of pain and aggravation later on down the line.
Open books are not interesting. There's no mystery to them. That's one of the reasons things get stale in a marriage.
I date several guys at a time. I don't sleep with them, and I make no commitment promises. If they ask if I am seeing anyone else, I am honest without too much detail.
Why put all your eggs in one basket?
Reading some of the responses I think many people take things way too seriously or read too much into things.
I can't see nothing wrong with going out on fun dates and having a nice time without having to propose. I think most people get this date by numbers thing going with on the first date you do this, second date this, third date this and then so on with a commitment fixed into place. I would say go with the flow a bit more, relax and let things happen when they are meant to happen.
Some people seem to have a military strategy approach, diversion attack from the front, outflank em and hit em hard on the right, call in an airstrike on hill 874, etc. That is the analogy I would use in their approach to dating. Way too serious and overwhelming.
I also find culturally from my experiences american women are hard driving when it comes to dating. They want to do the "job interview" quickly and decide quickly how much this guy is worth so they can choose to dump or date. I decouple myself from that, slow it down and I date whoever I want, whenever I want and I'll let the commitment happen when it is meant to, not because I was driven into it. Modern dating is like a fox hunt. The man is the fox and the women are all the baying, slobbery dogs chasing him. Don't let yourself get driven into a hole and eaten.
And yes I am up front. A lot of women go on about long term this and that. I don't promise anything except to go out and have a nice evening. If they don't accept that(and some don't) TOO BAD!
Ok, thanks for all the input.
I'm going on vacation Monday with my kids and a set of grandparents for a week.
That will give me a little time to weigh things etc.
For the record, I'm NOT dating a bunch of girls right now, it was a hypothetical...and no, it's not in my personality to be sleeping with a number of women at the same time either. I don't know, it just wouldn't feel right.
Ok, I've decided to get back to dating...VERY low key, just dates and not going to move fast or focus in on one gal. (Do not get me wrong, this is not an attempt to get a lot of women in the sack but rather to develop a broader, healthy social life.)
Anyway, I haven't really quite been in this situation before so looking for some advice on how to handle it. I think that just having dates and having fun, low-key stuff is cool. Also, unless specifically asked I wouldn't mention other gals I'm dating...I would not offer an exclusive relationship...unless things were to really start to develop.
Pitfalls? Advice? Let me have it.
Since you're a single dad just getting back into the dating world, I think NOT getting into a committed relationship is a good thing. After all, you buried your wife a year ago. While you may think you're recovered and have it back together again, you may not.
I have two friends who are widowers, and they both report the same thing: For whatever reason, women find them to be more suitable for relationships than divorced guys. As one friend said, "I've been told point-blank, 'You know how to have a successful relationship.'"
So, I think it is wise of you to not simply plunge into a new relationship with the first woman who catches your eye, but rather test the waters. Don't be in a hurry, however strong the temptation might be. After all, you have your kids to think of as well, and it is only right that you make sure you find a new life partner who will adore them as much as she adores you.
Hi there, I have read this with interest. I am basically in the same boat - Male, 53, divorced four years.
I have only had one long term relationship in the last four years. It lasted a year two months..... Things just did not work out:-her interests were purely mercenary but only identified themselves after a year.
Since then, I have been dating a number of different women. I have made it quite clear that I am still looking for "Mrs Right" and will have other "girl friends" (please note I have used TWO SEPARATE words) and not girlfriends, until such time as I feel comfortable with making a more formal situation.
Each of them have been informed of the other, and that was a precursor to my taking them out in the first place. Where I have had overlaps or something special to do (hang gliding, Andes Trekking, motorcycle trips), I have often invited more than one to accompany me.
On overnight motorcycle trips I will either lend one of my bikes and ask them to invite someone to join us, or invite one of my friends.
They have all become quite good friends. I have questioned them all individually and while often there are slight hints of jealousy in specific situations, they all understand my position.
I have not had s**** relations with any of them as I do believe that this would take the relationship another step and could lead to considerations of commitment and may cause some hurt.
Of course there are situations when one of the dates would be better suited for the intellectual,social, interests, etc, but I prefer that the girl I finally settle down with with have all of these qualities; - feeling good in hiking boots/shorts, -roughing it a bit- climbing a mountain; or wearing high heels, Versace cuts....and having presentable table manners.
Its all above board, reasonable, with clearly defined lines.
I believe that by making oneself quite clear, defining the parameters, and not making the mistake of starting a sexual relationship permits one to have a mature and understandable relationship with each.
I look forward to having ONE girlfriend on a more permanent basis with the opportunity to "settle down" and be the SO again. When that happens, I will be straightforward and make my feelings/situation known to the ladies I am currently dating.
So to you, my friend, enjoy what feels right but make your conditions clear and understood from the word go.
Good luck in your quest
Dee
Keep your "dates" to daytime activities for a start. Lunch dates, art museum or gallery visits. Hiking and walks in the park, bicycling. Keep it on a pure friendship level until you decide you want to take it to another level. Group activities are safe. Find some volunteer efforts to join. Just get out there, meet new people and make as many friends as possible. With group activities, wait to ask a woman out on a "date", because once you start to do more one-on-one activities, word gets around and you may be considered paired up and taken by the group's gossip mongers.
Since you're a single dad just getting back into the dating world, I think NOT getting into a committed relationship is a good thing. After all, you buried your wife a year ago. While you may think you're recovered and have it back together again, you may not.
I have two friends who are widowers, and they both report the same thing: For whatever reason, women find them to be more suitable for relationships than divorced guys. As one friend said, "I've been told point-blank, 'You know how to have a successful relationship.'"
So, I think it is wise of you to not simply plunge into a new relationship with the first woman who catches your eye, but rather test the waters. Don't be in a hurry, however strong the temptation might be. After all, you have your kids to think of as well, and it is only right that you make sure you find a new life partner who will adore them as much as she adores you.
Yep. This was the mistake I made the first time out. I met someone that had a lot of positive characteristics and a ton of initial chemistry with but she is pretty much incapable at this point of having a healthy relationship. I was approaching the whole thing with the wrong mindset having been a married guy for so long I tried to "make things work" instead of just dating and seeing how things progressed. Otherwise, I treated her excellently and have no regrets as it never would have worked.
I agree that I don't have it 100% back together yet but I'm definitely good enough to date. I'm NOT in good enough shape to deal with a lot of drama and having things get deep fast so if that stuff starts up again I will move on.
Yep. This was the mistake I made the first time out. I met someone that had a lot of positive characteristics and a ton of initial chemistry with but she is pretty much incapable at this point of having a healthy relationship. I was approaching the whole thing with the wrong mindset having been a married guy for so long I tried to "make things work" instead of just dating and seeing how things progressed. Otherwise, I treated her excellently and have no regrets as it never would have worked.
I agree that I don't have it 100% back together yet but I'm definitely good enough to date. I'm NOT in good enough shape to deal with a lot of drama and having things get deep fast so if that stuff starts up again I will move on.
There you go. Our thoughts are with you.
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Multiple Dating
