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I'll start. I was in the hospital for an infection complication of breast cancer. My boy friend (at the time) of 4+ years was visiting. We were watching TV together and I became very interested in Larry King Live because he was interviewing Cheryl Crow about her experience with having breast cancer. My boyfriend left because he said he wanted to watch some sports game on TV instead!
See I don't know enough about the guy, and on this story alone I can't make any judgments. I also am unclear as to the severity of your cancer at that time, but I have a little bit of information/experience to share. I am a dude btw. When a good buddy of mine got cancer (colon cancer) it was easier for me to pretend he didn't have it. I did not want to be down in the dumps in an effort to elevate his mood as well. I'm one of those people where once I'm upset/mad/sad I can't bounce back as quickly as others. So I would avoid the topic of cancer at all costs for fear it would put me in that mental funk where I couldn't be strong for him. So I tried to convince myself he was injured and everything would be okay. When the doctor/nurse would come in, I had to leave, because I didn't want to hear how bad it was. Did this guy have a problem talking about your cancer with you? Some people have different coping mechanisms, and it can be construed the wrong way many times. Just a thought - but maybe he didn't want to hear Sheryl talk about her cancer, I know if I was in his shoes (based on the info I have) I might want to avoid watching that interview. Just a thought though.
See I don't know enough about the guy, and on this story alone I can't make any judgments. I also am unclear as to the severity of your cancer at that time, but I have a little bit of information/experience to share. I am a dude btw. When a good buddy of mine got cancer (colon cancer) it was easier for me to pretend he didn't have it. I did not want to be down in the dumps in an effort to elevate his mood as well. I'm one of those people where once I'm upset/mad/sad I can't bounce back as quickly as others. So I would avoid the topic of cancer at all costs for fear it would put me in that mental funk where I couldn't be strong for him. So I tried to convince myself he was injured and everything would be okay. When the doctor/nurse would come in, I had to leave, because I didn't want to hear how bad it was. Did this guy have a problem talking about your cancer with you? Some people have different coping mechanisms, and it can be construed the wrong way many times. Just a thought - but maybe he didn't want to hear Sheryl talk about her cancer, I know if I was in his shoes (based on the info I have) I might want to avoid watching that interview. Just a thought though.
You raise some valid points and some good questions.
Actually, there was very little discussion about my cancer. I am guessing because this topic would have been about me and therefore not him.
During my chemo treatments, he would drive me but drop me off at home alone after the treatment. He would go home, not call, and keep his phone line busy while on dial-up internet. I saw the picture clearly, and wanted someone else to drive me to chemo. When I told him this, he would insist on driving me and be attentive, blah, blah, blah.......
I developed a nasty infection in my arm where they took out lymph nodes because my white blood cells dropped from the chemo. This ended me in the hospital.
I was interested in the Cheryl Crow interview because her treatment involved radiation therapy and a drug Tamoxifen, which were next for me.
He left because this show was not about him, PERIOD.
Last edited by jojajn; 03-11-2009 at 07:45 PM..
Reason: spelling error
I dated a guy who loooved telling me all about HIS history of dating and befriending narcissists.
After we broke up, (I dumped him for, among other things, basically ditching me at a party... I have asthma, and people were smoking inside, and he wouldn't stay with me on the porch even for a few minutes until someone else came out because HE was cold. Nevermind that for me, spending time in that house could mean a trip to the hospital.), I did some digging and discovered THIS:
No wonder he was attracted to and was betrayed by so many - No one loves AND hates a narcissist as much as another narcissist!
Excerpts:
This is a narcissist who, in many respects, is the mirror image of the "classical" narcissist....
The "inverted narcissist" (IN), on the other hand, does not attempt, except in fantasy or in dangerous, masochistic sexual practice, to merge with an idealised external object. This is because he so successfully internalised the narcissistic Primary Object to the exclusion of all else. The IN feels ill at ease in his relationships with non-narcissists because it is unconsciously perceived by him to constitute "betrayal", "cheating", an abrogation of the exclusivity clause he has with the narcissistic Primary Object.This is the big difference between narcissists and their inverted version.
...These narcissists are self-effacing, sensitive, emotionally fragile, sometimes socially phobic. They derive all their self-esteem and sense of self-worth from the outside (others), are pathologically envious (a transformation of aggression), are likely to intermittently engage in aggressive/violent behaviours, are more emotionally labile than the classic narcissist, etc.
There are, therefore, three "basic" types of narcissists:
1.) The offspring of neglecting parents – They default to narcissism as the predominant object relation (with themselves as the exclusive love object).
2.) The offspring of doting or domineering parents (often narcissists themselves) – They internalise their parents' voices in the form of a sadistic, ideal, immature Superego and spend their lives trying to be perfect, omnipotent, omniscient and to be judged "a success" by these parent-images and their later representations and substitutes (authority figures).
3.) The offspring of abusive parents – They internalise the abusing, demeaning and contemptuous voices and spend their lives in an effort to elicit "counter-voices" from other people and thus to regulate their labile self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
All three types experience recurrent and Sisyphean failures. Shielded by their defence mechanisms, they constantly gauge reality wrongly, their actions and reactions become more and more rigid and the damage inflicted by them on themselves and on others is ever greater.
[In other words, it will only get worse.]
...The child-turned-adult keeps looking for narcissists in order to feel whole, alive and wanted. He craves to be treated by a narcissist narcissistically. What others call abuse is, to him or her, familiar territory and constitutes Narcissistic Supply. To the Inverted Narcissist, the classic narcissist is a Source of Supply (primary or secondary) and his narcissistic behaviours constitute Narcissistic Supply. The IN feels dissatisfied, empty and unwanted when not "loved" by a narcissist.
Proposed criteria: 1.) Possesses a rigid sense of lack of self-worth. 2.) Pre-occupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance and beauty or of an ideal of love. 3.) Believes that she is absolutely un-unique and un-special (i.e., worthless and not worthy of merger with the fantasised ideal) and that no one at all could understand her because she is innately unworthy of being understood. The IN becomes very agitated the more one tries to understand her because that also offends against her righteous sense of being properly excluded from the human race.
I'll start. I was in the hospital for an infection complication of breast cancer. My boy friend (at the time) of 4+ years was visiting. We were watching TV together and I became very interested in Larry King Live because he was interviewing Cheryl Crow about her experience with having breast cancer. My boyfriend left because he said he wanted to watch some sports game on TV instead!
Wow I can believe that happened though as American men have been reduced to simple creatures; work, beer, sports.
The behavior only gets reinforced when the TV shows you clips of yourself through a character like Homer Simpson or Al Bundy and such; drinking beer, going to a job they hate or lusting after an athlete. I find the hole situation of grown men idolizing strangers on a TV screen absolutely disgusting.
See I don't know enough about the guy, and on this story alone I can't make any judgments. I also am unclear as to the severity of your cancer at that time, but I have a little bit of information/experience to share. I am a dude btw. When a good buddy of mine got cancer (colon cancer) it was easier for me to pretend he didn't have it. I did not want to be down in the dumps in an effort to elevate his mood as well. I'm one of those people where once I'm upset/mad/sad I can't bounce back as quickly as others. So I would avoid the topic of cancer at all costs for fear it would put me in that mental funk where I couldn't be strong for him. So I tried to convince myself he was injured and everything would be okay. When the doctor/nurse would come in, I had to leave, because I didn't want to hear how bad it was. Did this guy have a problem talking about your cancer with you? Some people have different coping mechanisms, and it can be construed the wrong way many times. Just a thought - but maybe he didn't want to hear Sheryl talk about her cancer, I know if I was in his shoes (based on the info I have) I might want to avoid watching that interview. Just a thought though.
Yep, you got a GOOD point here! I have noticed myself that when a serious situation comes around men feel better by not talking about a problem, where as women feel better by talking about it. In fact, this is mentioned in the famous book called "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus"
Anyhow, I use to be that way too; thinking I'm all tough if I don't ask or tell anybody about my problems but I learned that it only does more harm to me as somebody might be able to solve or give me the instruction on how to solve the problem.
To add to that, this life/matrix gives up rewards for being PRO-active and it's talked about in a book called "7 habits of highly effective people" so with that being said, feelings are wasted energy in solving a problem because for a man it will drive you to avoid the issue and for a women it was cause you talk about it but reach nothing conclusive.
Last edited by Morphous01; 03-12-2009 at 08:46 PM..
the above by cobolt has helped me immensly to make closure on a recent relationship breakup, i thought i was having a nervous breakdown, and going mental.. cheers
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