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Old 03-11-2009, 10:38 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,099,226 times
Reputation: 7224
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
Should I feel guilty that I love reading about your in-law/almost in-law problems, Mrs. Stewart?

I do get a perverted sort of enjoyment watching you protect hubby from the man-bashers.




It strikes me that your husband probably doesn't see his parents' behavior quite like you do. He was raised by them, probably loved them, probably felt they loved him, and probably only knew them much as they are now. I think many children are "abused" without realizing it. He probably was but still doesn't see it that way. As you say, it's not easy to admit....

And if his parents have gotten worse since he was a child, it's harder for him to see it because he's looking at it as the "child". (I don't mean that in a bad way; I just think it would be normal behavior.) My wife saw my dad's dementia before I did. We saw them on their 65th wedding anniversary. After we left she mentioned that my dad wasn't the same; she saw it in his eyes -- said they weren't "twinkling" like they usually were. I hadn't noticed it, but within a couple months he was totally whacked out, then died a few months after that. We sometimes don't notice changes in those closest to us.



Of course he does. I think we all want that with our parents, and we want to share our own children with our parents. That's normal. It's very sad that his parents aren't "normal" -- sad for kids, parents and grandparents.








I gave up anchovies and my wife gave up broccoli. Nice would be nice thing to give up too! But I'm afraid of what my wife would give up then....


I agree with Cecilia. If you could trust them with your 2-year-old. It might make a nice day for all concerned. Of course, you've got to judge that. Somehow, I don't see that happening.
Thank you, Wyo. You said it perfectly. I probably see their flaws more clearly since he lived through it and he does not see that it has gotten worse because he is no longer under their roof...

I would not trust them with anything of value so my two year old is out. He would definitely be a great "scared straight" program!

Glad you find some voyeuristic enjoyment in the craziness this year At least someone is able to get a kick out of it
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:49 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
14,650 posts, read 16,196,294 times
Reputation: 18560
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
Just because he is not willing to continue to flog a dead horse by rehashing the same issues with his family does not mean he is not a real man. That is ridiculous.

I have a funny feeling many people on this forum do not read an entire thread before putting their two cents in...
I read the whole post. He should stand up and defend you until his last breath if need be. Dead horse or not. Protecting his family should be his passion, his very world. It should be what he lives for.

I'm sorry that he does not feel that his role as father, provider, PROTECTOR is worth flogging a dead horse for. It's kind of sad when you think about it.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:54 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,099,226 times
Reputation: 7224
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
I read the whole post. He should stand up and defend you until his last breath if need be. Dead horse or not. Protecting his family should be his passion, his very world. It should be what he lives for.

I'm sorry that he does not feel that his role as father, provider, PROTECTOR is worth flogging a dead horse for. It's kind of sad when you think about it.

20yrsinBranson
You are reading a snippet from the story. He has REPEATEDLY talked to his parents and things do not change...

What do you suggest since you seem to have all the answers? Should he tie them down and FORCE them to listen to all the ways they have wronged him? Us? There comes a time when one needs to choose ones battles wisely. He is not going to challenge his parents to a duel at high noon, for God's sake.

Are they going to change? No, probably not.
Have we talked to them? Yes, several times.
What else can anyone do?

I posted this thread to ask about the three options, not for someone like you who does not know me to attempt to give one dimensional advice to a multifaceted situation.
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Old 03-11-2009, 11:44 PM
 
Location: Riverside
1,241 posts, read 1,613,199 times
Reputation: 818
My mom said this to me about people...
A man convinced against his will...is of the same opinion still.

I have learned that you cannot get people to change because we want them to. So bless the MR for the time he has spent trying...I think he is fighting a losing battle, sadly.
They are who they are and he needs to understand that. And I am sure he does...but there is always the hope they will see the light!
Too bad for your kids cause grandparents can be so awesome. I know...I am one

I say stick them with the baby ... no nap... and hungry That's just me, though!
yeah, thats a photo-op!
Enjoy your Friday!!!!!
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:36 AM
 
12,606 posts, read 11,070,719 times
Reputation: 7198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oerdin View Post
Get a grip. It really sounds like you are nitpicking and projecting your own feelings of dislike for them. Get over it. Seriously, you whine that the grandparents aren't involved and then you try to push them away when they do get involved so maybe the problem isn't them, maybe the problem is you. Let the kids have a relationship with their grandparents and unless there is physical danger (I.E. someone is going to be abused) then they will likely be happier down the road having known their grandparents.
No, the problem is the grandparents...and mental abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical abuse. and if the kids dont' want to go, that speaks volumns. Kids go where they are welcomed, loved and have fun. Not to mention, the grandparents are actually teaching the kids to be bullys, judgemental, rude, and unthinking.

So, no matter what it may sound like to you, your not there, you don't really know, all you are able to do is assume.

Granted, Mrs. Stewart is in denial, but she didn't come here and spill her hurt and confussion to be talked to like this. Mrs. Steward is a respectable member of this forum, who is one of the most patient people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. She doesn't express herself with harsh words but more so, with great kindness and compassion towards others.

The woman has a problem, and is asking for help...when you are close to a situation like this, it is so hard to see things clearly and detach from the emotional end of it.

What I'm saying is, YOUR Wrong, you don't know her and your judging her unmercifully...

I don't know why, people feel they have to come in and attack others so brutally? What has happened to people? Why so angry and cruel...what has happened to compassionate and caring words? And why even bother posting something like this, that could really hurt a person? Why?

This forum used to be such a nice place to come where others used to be so caring and compassionate and we'd help each other out. I always felt safe here, like people cared...and here of late I'm seeing more and more posts like this. Sad, very very sad, that people THINK this is the way to treat others. There is so much cruelness in words, yet, I don't believe some people realize how dreadfully mean they sound. There is way to much bullying going on and I think people should pull back and think before posting something of the like.

It's ok to disagree, but it's not ok to assume and attack.

Sometimes people experience life changing events, that are horrific to deal with, and they are forced to live it every single day of their lives...it's painful and tragic and some take things to heart worse then others, some are not as strong as others might be....some try their best, to keep peace, we are not all alike, and just b/c we think one way, and Mrs. Steward thinks another doesn't make us right and her wrong....she is venting, and apparrently, she needs to vent, she needs support and some kind words...anything beyond that, is an assumption and you couldn't be more wrong about her.

I suggest we try a little harder to be compassionate towards the problems of others, even if they might be trolls or you don't agree or you would handle things differently. Because you don't really know for sure, and words can hurt a person so badly...and Mrs. Steward, does not deserve to be treated like this...nobody does and by the way, she, has been dealing with this for years, and there have been things that have happened that she hasn't bought to light and she shouldn't have to. She shouldn't be made to feel like she has to defend herself. Obviously, she is troubled about this, otherwise she wouldn't have posted it. She is not what doing what you have accussed her of doing.


So, I think, all of us need to step back and remember, if you can't say something nice, then please, don't say anything at all.
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:52 AM
 
Location: USA
1,861 posts, read 2,610,159 times
Reputation: 1755
Quote:
Granted, Mrs. Stewart is in denial, but she didn't come here and spill her hurt and confussion to be talked to like this.
I don't get the impression she is in denial. She seems to have a good perspective of the entire situation, including her husband.

Quote:
My mom said this to me about people...
A man convinced against his will...is of the same opinion still.
Good point, and absolutely true.
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Old 03-12-2009, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Tennessee bound...someday
2,516 posts, read 2,850,028 times
Reputation: 7050
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
This forum used to be such a nice place to come where others used to be so caring and compassionate and we'd help each other out. I always felt safe here, like people cared...and here of late I'm seeing more and more posts like this.

Ain't that the truth!

BTW mrstewart - if for some crazy reason you were to relent, can't your kids all gang up on the GPs and set them down the longest, wildest
slide at the water park? Kidding!!!!
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Old 03-12-2009, 07:28 AM
 
Location: Mile High City
10,155 posts, read 10,387,726 times
Reputation: 8711
I would tell them to pound sand (in different words) and be done with them permanently.
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Old 03-12-2009, 09:08 AM
 
3,485 posts, read 4,866,686 times
Reputation: 3832
I have a question for the people who think Mr Stewart isn't 'manning up'.

Would you REALLY find it so easy to sever contact with parents who you love, when one of them is really sick? Really?

I mean, I totally agree that it's his issue to handle, and that mrstewart needs to convey to him that his lack of action is causing more problems than it solves, BUT some of you are making it sound so easy. I just feel like it must be a devestatingly difficult thing for him to handle which he's doing the best way he can. It's not enough, and he'll need to step up and make it enough, but I can totally see his point as well and it must be really difficult for him that his parents and his family, both of whom he loves, can't get along. He MUST side with his children, but still it's got to be tough, especially if he feels he may not have much time left with the parents.

Mrstewart, did you have a chat with him yet, or are you saving it for the weekend? It'll be a fun one for sure!
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Old 03-12-2009, 09:24 AM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,099,226 times
Reputation: 7224
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
I have a question for the people who think Mr Stewart isn't 'manning up'.

Would you REALLY find it so easy to sever contact with parents who you love, when one of them is really sick? Really?

I mean, I totally agree that it's his issue to handle, and that mrstewart needs to convey to him that his lack of action is causing more problems than it solves, BUT some of you are making it sound so easy. I just feel like it must be a devestatingly difficult thing for him to handle which he's doing the best way he can. It's not enough, and he'll need to step up and make it enough, but I can totally see his point as well and it must be really difficult for him that his parents and his family, both of whom he loves, can't get along. He MUST side with his children, but still it's got to be tough, especially if he feels he may not have much time left with the parents.

Mrstewart, did you have a chat with him yet, or are you saving it for the weekend? It'll be a fun one for sure!
Hey Hoboken! We chatted this morning on the way to the airport. He knows he has to call them, again, and he will do it when he is back from his trip.

He is the one who needs to deal with them...we all know that. He has talked to them, yelled, listened, mirrored, and nothing has helped. Nothing has changed. Their behavior changes for short periods of time but they soon revert back to the same behavior.

We have offered a "family meeting", and they refused.
We have offered to attend family counseling, and they refused.
We have sought advice from friends who are counselors and psychiatrists who are familiar with BOTH sides of the situation and they have ALL stated the behavior they exhibit is inappropriate and deep seeded and not likely to change.
We have changed our approach several times but to no avail.

There is not much left to do with the exception of cutting them off completely and that is very hard for my husband to consider as an option.

Many people posting think cutting them off forever is the best route to take, and perhaps it is, but it is not as easy as it sounds. People are human, faulted, fractured, imperfect and trying to find their way in the world and to assume anyone knows how my husband feels and attacks his attempts at repairing the relationship have obviously no clue about life.

My husband sees the best in people. He always hopes that people are trying to contribute the most they can into every situation...he lives a Utopian life when it comes to human relationships.
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