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Old 03-11-2009, 12:50 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,069,031 times
Reputation: 7224
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundance View Post
What good will it do for him to go with them, if he cannot stand up to his parents when they verbally abuse your kids??

Why would you even expose them, to something like this. I don't understand.
I agree with you about cutting them off completely! Absolutely! They say things that are underhanded and divisive and I want nothing more than to rid them of my life forever. My husband is MUCH more forgiving than I am and he is starting to feel pangs of guilt about his fathers illness and wants the Norman Rockwell setting. Somedays I wonder if my husband forgives them far too easily or he gets tired of feeling the angst...he also believes that people can change...they have not seen or talked to my children since my husband talked to them at Christmas and I wonder if he feels they may have "seen the light"...who knows?? They haven't changed. They just want a few pics and a way to make themselves feel better by having spent time with them.

After reading my own post, this has more to do with my husbands unresolved feelings towards them and very little with me and the children.
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Old 03-11-2009, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Orlando
8,183 posts, read 10,782,154 times
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It's so sad when things like this happen. I would have killed to have a relationship with my Grandparents and here are a couple that are just ruining it.

I think after all of this time and everything you've been thru, #1 is really the only real answer.
At this point, tell your husband of your decision and if he doesn't like it, it will be up to HIM to fix the problem.
Let them talk all they want. Anybody that really knows you...or them for that matter....knows the truth anyway.
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Old 03-11-2009, 12:54 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,069,031 times
Reputation: 7224
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kali's Grandma View Post
It's so sad when things like this happen. I would have killed to have a relationship with my Grandparents and here are a couple that are just ruining it.

I think after all of this time and everything you've been thru, #1 is really the only real answer.
At this point, tell your husband of your decision and if he doesn't like it, it will be up to HIM to fix the problem.
Let them talk all they want. Anybody that really knows you...or them for that matter....knows the truth anyway.
You are right! Three sets of their friends have approached us and said they are so sorry we have been treated this way, my inlaws don't know what they are missing without a relationship with the children, etc...it is terrible. They are not fooling anyone!
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Old 03-11-2009, 12:55 PM
 
12,579 posts, read 11,032,910 times
Reputation: 7173
I really think, you need to step back Mrs. Steward, and re-evaulate this from a whole different perspective if you can...detach yourself emotionally and look at it as if I were writing the story, instead of you.

And shame on anyone for getting nasty...I'm sorry for some of these women that feel they have to insult you...

sometimes depending on the person, when your emotionally attached, it's difficult to see things clearly, so don't be insulted or hurt by these women who are tactless....

I think it might also help if you had a third party involved like, you and your husband going to counseling, b/c any counselor would stand up for you and your children, and he might take it a whole lot more seriously coming from someone who is not a family member.

But, I wouldn't make your children go somewhere where I didn't want to be...rethink this, make it a family project...and discuss this openly with everyone, everyone should be allowed to voice they're opinon.

Your husband isn't listening...b/c he doesn't want to, he is in denial and must be made aware of the fact that this is harmful for your children.

Hugs and love
Creme
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:01 PM
 
Location: USA
1,861 posts, read 2,601,638 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
I really think, you need to step back Mrs. Steward, and re-evaulate this from a whole different perspective if you can...detach yourself emotionally and look at it as if I were writing the story, instead of you.

And shame on anyone for getting nasty...I'm sorry for some of these women that feel they have to insult you...

sometimes depending on the person, when your emotionally attached, it's difficult to see things clearly, so don't be insulted or hurt by these women who are tactless....

I think it might also help if you had a third party involved like, you and your husband going to counseling, b/c any counselor would stand up for you and your children, and he might take it a whole lot more seriously coming from someone who is not a family member.

But, I wouldn't make your children go somewhere where I didn't want to be...rethink this, make it a family project...and discuss this openly with everyone, everyone should be allowed to voice they're opinon.

Your husband isn't listening...b/c he doesn't want to, he is in denial and must be made aware of the fact that this is harmful for your children.

Hugs and love
Creme
WTH? Who insulted her? I certainly didn't...I am very passionate about protecting children from verbal abuse, absolutely. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, and it wasn't much fun, to put it mildly....grandparents who are hateful to their own grandkids can cause lifelong scars.

And that is nothing to mess with.

Shame on your husband, for not protecting his own family. If anyone needs counselling, it's his parents. I wouldn't waste any more time...and suggesting that she "emotionally detach herself," when her kids are being verbally ABUSED, is patently absurd.
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:03 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,300,926 times
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if your kids don't want to go,
and you don't want them to go,
just say "No" to any invitation.

If you must have an "excuse" then just say the kids are busy with their friends, and have already made plans.
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Washington, DC & New York
9,191 posts, read 14,463,621 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
You are so sweet but, believe you me, I am not nearly as nice as you! There is no way in hell I would willingly go ANYWHERE with my MIL...seriously! She is terrible and I do not trust myself to keep my cool when she makes her snarky remarks about my kids and our lives...I have 17 years worth of angst that is bubbling and about to hit boiling point.

The vegetarian thing always makes me laugh. I am not a vegetarian but I do not find it hard to cook for my child but when we are at her home she makes comments about the trials and tribulations she went through to ensure my child had a vegetarian meal
"Danger, Will Robinson!" Then, I'd switch my advice, skip town. LOL...head over to the Great Wolf for the day or until Saturday. She can't pick up the children if you're not there, and if she drives by to check, she'd find that the children are nowhere to be found. There's no earthly reason to expose your children to negativity like that unchecked and unsupervised, so you are well within your rights to refuse to allow them to be with the grandparents with no parental supervision.

In my mind, rude comments like that are a form of abuse, since a child is completely the wrong outlet for anything negative, especially if it's a judgment on the parents and the choices they have mde for their own family. Such behavior is just despicable, and there's no reason why you should have to deal with it, but if your husband has a relationship, however bad, that's a different story and he can make his own choices.

You're a great mother for not putting up with them solely on the basis of a familial tie. So many would say that they're the childrens' grandparents and that they have to respect that, but it's a two-way street. If they're abusive to the children with their comments, they have no right to expect respect in return. And, as an advocate for your children, you're aware of the twisted game that their grandparents are playing, taking all of the blame for whatever is wrong in their eyes (since they don't question your husband), and that's not an easy position in which to find oneself. But, don't feel guilty, since they're merely your husband's parents and have not earned the right to call themselves your childrens' grandparents.
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:08 PM
 
12,579 posts, read 11,032,910 times
Reputation: 7173
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
if your kids don't want to go,
and you don't want them to go,
just say "No" to any invitation.

If you must have an "excuse" then just say the kids are busy with their friends, and have already made plans.
I agree, but that is a short term solution...what about the next time and the next...? I really think this should be addessed and hopefully with time, patience and understanding on the part of her husband, be resolved?
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:10 PM
 
Location: USA
1,861 posts, read 2,601,638 times
Reputation: 1755
I would have a really difficult time understanding why my kids' dad could stand around and say nothing when they are hateful to my kids. I would be hard-pressed to reconcile that....but of course, men from dysfunctional families are often "trained" to go along, no matter what happens and I understand that, but when the abuse is being heaped on your own children, seems like some protective instincts would kick in.

Quote:
I agree, but that is a short term solution...what about the next time and the next...? I really think this should be addessed and hopefully with time, patience and understanding on the part of her husband, be resolved?
Personally, I have no "patience" with people who verbally abuse children. If they cannot act right they can be cut-off, permanently, if need be.
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:42 PM
 
1,662 posts, read 2,623,929 times
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I haven't read any of your other posts or threads about your in-laws, so take this with a grain of salt.

But, in general, it takes two to tango. How is it that these nasty people have the chance to be nasty time and again?

Yes, yes, I know, hubby can't stand up to them. But it seems that neither can you. And you are letting your emotions take you to a "boiling point"

Here's my advice:

Take a deep breath and make a declaration to your children that no one, and I mean NO ONE, has the right to be abusive to them. Period.

Take another deep breath and promise your children that you will only allow people to be a part of their lives who are loving and kind.

Now you are done! That's the easy part. Now comes the implementation.

If someone invites them to a function who is not a kind and loving person. You simply decline the invitation. No excuses, just "How kind of you to offer, I'm sorry we can't make it." Then change the subject.

If you are at a social function and someone says something mean or abusive, you simply say to your children, "Go get your things it's time for us to leave." and to your hosts, "How kind of you to have us, I'm sorry but we must be going." Then leave.

Calmly, with a smile, without making excuses and as often as necessary.

If hubby feels guilty and wants to spend time with his parents, fine. But you and the kids don't have to. They aren't nice people, and you made a promise. If the parents heap on the guilt and want to see the kids, then hubby can explain why they haven't been seeing them (or not) and arrange a second chance get-together. But I would insist that the gathering be on neutral ground so that the minute they become abusive, you can leave.

You can't change people like this, but there is no need to play the games with them. Set a better example for your kids and show them that they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. They will learn this by watching you act in a dignified and respectful way.
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