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He does not like confrontation and is a very peaceful person so if someone's life is not in danger he does not see a reason to get involved so he leaves me with the dirty work and I am treated pretty crappy because I look like the bad guy.
That's a copout and just a lame excuse. He doesn't want to deal with it, so he's being a wimp and amod cut by putting it on you when it's HIS family. HE should deal with it. But, since he's not, put your foot down and tell the MIL that they're not taking the kids out alone, and tell her why. Then kick your husband in the arse and make him stand up and be a man.
If you continue to let this go on, you're just damaging your children.
Last edited by mrstewart; 03-11-2009 at 02:34 PM..
Reason: name calling
I think, based on what you've said so far, that you have accomodated them enough. If your husband doesn't want to deal with it, and leaves it to you, then do what YOU feel is best. He gave up his say in the matter when he dumped it on your lap.
I understand the conflict, really. But if his parents aren't willing to respect your wishes, your children or you and your husband - they need to go. You and your children shouldn't open yourselves up to abuse just to keep the peace. They'll have no incentive to behave if there is no consequence. I say ditch 'em. When they see that you're not playing games, they may come around. If not, they can stay gone.
Hey Samantha, we have both had our "chats" with them...well, mine may have been a few octaves higher than a chat, but we have made our points.
We have distanced ourselves, actually moved from the immediate area to get some space in hopes it may help the family dynamics.
We have changed our MO but the responses are the same.
As I said, my husband is very forgiving and truthfully, I believe he is an innocent and is always shocked that anyone could behave so badly, so he chalks it up to "a bad day". He does not have a nasty bone in his body so he can not see it in anyone else.
There is also the fear that his father will not be around very long and my husband fears he will die not having known his grandchildren very well. Realizing one's mortality can skew things.
At the same time, I believe this is in my husbands court right now. I have dealt with my family when issues have come up and I do not need to deal with his as well.
Does any of this make sense?
Another issue that makes this difficult is the fact that my MIL facilitated poor behavior in her daughters and they have treated us poorly since we married. Now my mother in law wants to change the terms of engagement and have relationships with us but she can not turn back the wheels of time and set good examples for her daughters. The daughters children are even nasty.
You are right about a conflict needing two to keep going. The problem is we are dealing with folks who have to place blame and always have a "target". When we moved, my SIL's had no one to be nasty to so they turned on their husbands sisters...there are just some folks like that...
While I was off the forum a neighbor came by and we made plans for friday with the children. We are going out to lunch and to the childrens museum.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha S
I haven't read any of your other posts or threads about your in-laws, so take this with a grain of salt.
But, in general, it takes two to tango. How is it that these nasty people have the chance to be nasty time and again?
Yes, yes, I know, hubby can't stand up to them. But it seems that neither can you. And you are letting your emotions take you to a "boiling point"
Here's my advice:
Take a deep breath and make a declaration to your children that no one, and I mean NO ONE, has the right to be abusive to them. Period.
Take another deep breath and promise your children that you will only allow people to be a part of their lives who are loving and kind.
Now you are done! That's the easy part. Now comes the implementation.
If someone invites them to a function who is not a kind and loving person. You simply decline the invitation. No excuses, just "How kind of you to offer, I'm sorry we can't make it." Then change the subject.
If you are at a social function and someone says something mean or abusive, you simply say to your children, "Go get your things it's time for us to leave." and to your hosts, "How kind of you to have us, I'm sorry but we must be going." Then leave.
Calmly, with a smile, without making excuses and as often as necessary.
If hubby feels guilty and wants to spend time with his parents, fine. But you and the kids don't have to. They aren't nice people, and you made a promise. If the parents heap on the guilt and want to see the kids, then hubby can explain why they haven't been seeing them (or not) and arrange a second chance get-together. But I would insist that the gathering be on neutral ground so that the minute they become abusive, you can leave.
You can't change people like this, but there is no need to play the games with them. Set a better example for your kids and show them that they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. They will learn this by watching you act in a dignified and respectful way.
Is your hubby a mamas boy ? that is probably why he does not want to say anything to mama or daddy . My first hubbys mom did this she was always taking pictures and showing them to her quilting friends in florida when they would go to visit . The rest of the time while living in the same city mind you she ignored them and did not see them for wks at a time .So finally after discussing with the hubby (now an ex ) i told him either you tell them or I will .So I had to do it and I sat her down and told her no never again are you taking the kids and talking to them like you do . We did not see her for yrs after that and I dont see her anymore since the divorce of myself and her son . I did however on occasion get to hear through the grapevine that she and her husband divorced soon after that and she told everyone that knew me that i had caused their divorce of course . so please just tell her and get it over with . Your kids will thank you for it later .
It's funny that you say your husband is a "peaceful" person. It sounds like he is not contributing to the peacefulness of your lives! Being non-confrontational is one of the surest ways to make sure there is a lot of strife in relationships. But I agree with the majority here. If he dumped this on your lap, then it is up to you to make the decisions.
Life is too short to spend it with mod cutholes. It's REALLY too short to force them on your kids. IMHO
Last edited by mrstewart; 03-11-2009 at 02:33 PM..
Reason: launguage
OK, to set the record straight, my husband is not a mama's boy, wimp and the other crass terminology that was used here. We have both had words with them but they continue with their antics so we try different tactics...not talking to them, talking to them but not seeing them, etc. We will have lengths of time when they are on their best behavior, usually after we have had a "meeting of the minds", but they revert back to their wild behavior after they are feeling comfortable.
My husband just gets tired of banging his head on the wall saying the same things over and over. Can't say I blame him. Not to worry, my children are not going with them and, truthfully, I don't even feel like I owe them an explanation...
We have changed our MO but the responses are the same.
If you changed your MO to the one I am suggesting, you would have no idea what the response was. And it wouldn't matter. Just sayin' ...
Quote:
Another issue that makes this difficult is the fact that my MIL facilitated poor behavior in her daughters and they have treated us poorly since we married.
Same advice. With people who aren't nice, you minimize or eliminate contact.
Quote:
The problem is we are dealing with folks ...
Yes, the problem is that you continue to deal with them. Are you sure you aren't enjoying the drama just a wee bit? I'm glad you are making other plans for Friday, that's a good sign!
If you changed your MO to the one I am suggesting, you would have no idea what the response was. And it wouldn't matter. Just sayin' ...
Same advice. With people who aren't nice, you minimize or eliminate contact.
Yes, the problem is that you continue to deal with them. Are you sure you aren't enjoying the drama just a wee bit? I'm glad you are making other plans for Friday, that's a good sign!
Samantha, I know you do not know me. I have told my children that what these folks do to them is a form of abuse. I have told them that when my inlaws are ugly to me in front of them it is abusive to them.
I do not enjoy the drama. I have too much going on to deal with them. Our lives are very full and 9 times out of 10 we do not accept any invitations with anyone from his side of the family in order to avoid my MIL and SIL's.
It seems some folks are implying that we are asking "for it" which is not the truth at all. I have not spoken to these people since Christmas Day and before that I guess it was September or October. They mean nothing to me. They are only thorns in my side. For some reason my husband has a hard time coming to grips that his family members are nasty, have always been nasty and will always be nasty. It is not easy to admit that your family is not what you thought it was.
You're making excuses for your husband, at the expense of your children. Stop making excuses for his passivity and refusal to see the truth even when it slaps him in the face. He is obviously too much of a mod cut to stand up to them, so you'll have to do it. Oh, and don't worry about what your husband says about it, because he'll just back down from you too.
Last edited by mrstewart; 03-11-2009 at 02:33 PM..
Reason: name calling
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