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My second hubby, [after I kicked him out due to (truthfully), God having informed him that he should quit his good job and sit around the house all day, watching TV and reading the Bible on commercial breaks] met a very nice girl over the internet and they lived at his mommy and daddy's home and now they have a child. I like her. She's a nice girl.
SHE can have him. We were actually still, by legal definition, married at the time. Was I jealous? Nope. Was I losing sleep? Nope. How does our teenage son feel about it? He's tickled he has a little sister and sees them a couple times a year. Fine by me. Be positive. They are welcome to come to my home and visit anytime. And I can even be civil, humorous and be a great hostess.
Like I said earlier...I found a real man since.
Psssst. *whisper* My kid doesn't know I think his dad is a total @ss. I don't want to make him feel bad. Some things are not the kids' business and only complicates their lives.
Yeah, my kids don't know that I have issues stemming from his affair. It's not their business. I don't know what they think about her if they think anything about her. It's not discussed.
You can't file for divorce and expect a man to think that means you still want him You BOTH did things that hurt the other person. Take some responsibility for once and just TRY to look at this from his point of view.
A piece of paper is not what makes people feel married - some don't need it at all to have a successful happy "marriage". As usual, you twist words to suit your purposes, but most of us just aren't buying it anymore - sorry.
I have no responsibility for his affair. He chose to leave and he chose to have sex with her. I wasn't even there.
The point is, he had an affair. He slept with someone else before his marriage was over. That's an affair. That's what I have to deal with . The fact is, my husband slept with someone else. That he chose to move out first would only have mattered if we had ended up divorced. At least he would have spared me having to deal with it.
Moral of the story, make sure your marriage is over BEFORE you start sleeping with other people, otherwise you may wake up one day and find out your marriage is over BECAUSE you slept with someone else. If I didn't have kids, I wouldn't be here. Then again, neither would he. We all know I'm not what he wanted. He wouldn't have slept with her if I were. Either he's tired of me or just doesn't care. Doesn't matter. Six of one, half dozen of the other.
I have to ask myself what I'm doing with a man who thinks it's ok to put your marriage on hold, move out, sleep with someone else and then has the audacity to think he can resume his marriage. It doesn't work that way. Sleeping with someone else when your marriage isn't over yet is having an affair. There's no way around that. The fact he had moved out doesn't make it not an affair. The divorce being finalized would have.
So, just so I have this straight, if I move out, sleep with someone else and then move back in that's not an affair?? Would you really be ok with your wife doing that?
You still have not addressed WHY HE LEFT - before you filed for divorce and before he "cheated". And I don't mean why YOU say he left. None of this "he left because he wanted to leave" nonsense. Before there was his desire to leave, and you filing for divorce and this affair that was or wasn't, there was just YOU and HIM. And he wanted out. Why? I am not suggesting it was your fault, but you are saying it is all his. And after 27 years, that is a hell of a lot of blame to lay on one person.
How do you, with all your knowledge and education, not see how absolutely impossible it is to have a rational, open and objective conversation with you? Really? How do you live every day knowing it all, and can't manage to figure this one out?
I have no responsibility for his affair. He chose to leave and he chose to have sex with her. I wasn't even there.
The point is, he had an affair. He slept with someone else before his marriage was over. That's an affair. That's what I have to deal with . The fact is, my husband slept with someone else. That he chose to move out first would only have mattered if we had ended up divorced. At least he would have spared me having to deal with it.
Moral of the story, make sure your marriage is over BEFORE you start sleeping with other people, otherwise you may wake up one day and find out your marriage is over BECAUSE you slept with someone else. If I didn't have kids, I wouldn't be here. Then again, neither would he. We all know I'm not what he wanted. He wouldn't have slept with her if I were. Either he's tired of me or just doesn't care. Doesn't matter. Six of one, half dozen of the other.
I have to ask myself what I'm doing with a man who thinks it's ok to put your marriage on hold, move out, sleep with someone else and then has the audacity to think he can resume his marriage. It doesn't work that way. Sleeping with someone else when your marriage isn't over yet is having an affair. There's no way around that. The fact he had moved out doesn't make it not an affair. The divorce being finalized would have.
So, just so I have this straight, if I move out, sleep with someone else and then move back in that's not an affair?? Would you really be ok with your wife doing that?
I'm hurt Ivory, do I write like a man or somthing?? I am a wife, I don't have a wife
Gee, maybe the idea the marriage could resume came from the fact that YOU allowed him to move back home and agreed to work with him on repairing your marriage - to give it another shot. Now you are having second thoughts about that - which is your perogitive, but don't blame him and say he did it with "audacity". Sounds like he did it with your permission. From things you have written about him he is really making some efforts. What are YOU doing?
Like I wrote earlier, in a marriage there are only two types of people...contributors and contaminators. WHICH ARE YOU?
We don't talk about this. It's a taboo subject for him. It's past and to be forgotten. I'm not even sure how he'd react if I brought it up now. It wasn't even really talked about when we got back togehter. He just said she didn't mean anything to him and to forget it. Easier said than done. I don't think I wanted to face it back then. Denial isn't good, is it?
Him saying she didn't matter doesn't make her not matter to me. Now I wish I'd met her. Never mind. That wouldn't be good.
Then that is why this is so raw in your heart. He is the only one to comfort you and make you feel secure. HE needs to talk to you about this. My sympathy there cause if he shuts himself up it won't be easy. He needs to go to counseling with you. I'm sorry you are hurting so bad, but keeping it all in is why you are bringing it out here. Something about us women, we need to talk. At least I do.
You still have not addressed WHY HE LEFT - before you filed for divorce and before he "cheated". And I don't mean why YOU say he left. None of this "he left because he wanted to leave" nonsense. Before there was his desire to leave, and you filing for divorce and this affair that was or wasn't, there was just YOU and HIM. And he wanted out. Why? I am not suggesting it was your fault, but you are saying it is all his. And after 27 years, that is a hell of a lot of blame to lay on one person.
How do you, with all your knowledge and education, not see how absolutely impossible it is to have a rational, open and objective conversation with you? Really? How do you live every day knowing it all, and can't manage to figure this one out?
Sorry but he left because he wanted to leave. I didn't tell him to go. He was unhappy, so he left. The "reasons" that came out in counseling were petty and the counselor told him so. I was the one with reason to leave. He treated me so badly prior to leaving that he felt compelled to write a letter of appology, hand deliver it to my brothers and sisters, post it at work, mail copies to his family and told me to show it to the church pastors. I only showed it to one of the pastors wives because she was very concerned about us getting back toghther once the truth of what our life was came out after he left (once I'd decided to stay, I saw no need to tell anyone else what I was dealing with. My brother knew. He's just one of those people who knows your character just by talking to you. When I told him my husband left. He said "No great loss there".)
This is not a rational issue. It's an emotional one. It's kind of impossible to have a rational conversation about feelings. Feelings aren't rational. They just are and you have to deal with what they are. I cannot rationalize away his affair. It happened. The fact is he left, slept with someone else and then thought he could resume our marriage. Only it doesn't seem to have a pause button. The truth is, in my heart, his affair ended our marriage. So I'm living a lie. He's not my husband. My husband left me and took up with someone else. There's no taking that back.
Sorry but he left because he wanted to leave. I didn't tell him to go. He was unhappy, so he left. The "reasons" that came out in counseling were petty and the counselor told him so. I was the one with reason to leave. He treated me so badly prior to leaving that he felt compelled to write a letter of appology, hand deliver it to my brothers and sisters, post it at work, mail copies to his family and told me to show it to the church pastors. I only showed it to one of the pastors wives because she was very concerned about us getting back toghther once the truth of what our life was came out after he left (once I'd decided to stay, I saw no need to tell anyone else what I was dealing with. My brother knew. He's just one of those people who knows your character just by talking to you. When I told him my husband left. He said "No great loss there".)
This is not a rational issue. It's an emotional one. It's kind of impossible to have a rational conversation about feelings. Feelings aren't rational. They just are and you have to deal with what they are. I cannot rationalize away his affair. It happened. The fact is he left, slept with someone else and then thought he could resume our marriage. Only it doesn't seem to have a pause button. The truth is, in my heart, his affair ended our marriage. So I'm living a lie. He's not my husband. My husband left me and took up with someone else. There's no taking that back.
~sigh...You have a serious lack or perspective. PLEASE start back with a counselor to help you get past the hurt. At this point, you are your own worst enemy, not him.
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You BOTH did things that hurt the other person. Take some responsibility for once and just TRY to look at this from his point of view. 
I am a wife, I don't have a wife 
