How can I love my body? (dates, wives, boyfriend, girlfriends)

[weeping_guitar]

I don't really like my body, never have. I'm thin, but my body is very plain, common, ordinary, I don't know how to put it. You know, I'm pretty average. 5'5, thin, small B cup breasts... I could do some toning, but it wouldn't make too much of a difference. I'm brunette, brown eyes... totally average. Not stunning at all.

This is something that's been with me since I hit puberty. My friends always got guys (I never went on more than two dates during high school, and it always was with guys from other schools. I felt like such a loser). It was never too bothersome, though. Until now.

I'm not stupid, I knew from the begining my boyfriend probably watched porn. And while I was always self conscious, I had never been as body conscious as I am today. He's shown me the type of porn he enjoys, in the hopes that I'll be ok with it (he knows about my issues), for me to see it's not a big deal. But it's the typical "playmate" look of these girls that make me super self conscious - big breasts, tiny waists, white (we're latinos), toned all over, blonde hair, blue eyes, big butts, etc, etc. I know, I know "no guy would ever want to date a porn star, they have sex with everybody". No one is saying that's what I fear... I know he doesn't like the easy kind of girls. But, that doesn't mean that he also believes these girls' bodies are the "ideal".

He believes the ideal body is one that no normal woman can achieve. He says these women are chosen because they're hot and that's their job, that it's just fantasy. You know, tipycal male answers... Like I have to get over it. I know I have to. But this "entitlement" attitude men have towards porn (my boyfriend included) doesn't sit very well with me. I don't have sex toys or read romance novels. But I guess we're different.

How can I get over it and not let it affect me? That he has this "ideal" body in his mind, that he thinks is the perfect body. It bothers me also that this so called "ideal body" is not only in porn but in mainstream comedies (like Beerfest and such things), and well Maxim, beer ads, even women's publications sometimes (which I don't read, but whatever). So every time we're together watching something and some bleached blonde woman is prancing around topless, I feel this pang of jealousy. I keep quiet about it though.

I don't really have male ideals, at least not mainstream ones. I don't like muscular, hairless guys. Usually I like real guys more than "fake" ones. I've even been told I don't have the best taste in men, but well, that's my business. It's subjective also. Anyway, my boyfriend is the hottest guy I've been with and no one can compare, he's just ideal for me. But again, we're different.

How can I stop being so stupid? I wish I was cool like those girlfriends and wives who don't care if their partners look at these women, or go to strip clubs or whatever. I wish I was as confident. I just with I was also his ideal. That my breasts were bigger, my butt too, my waist toned, etc. I could only tone my waist, IF I could, since I've heard you have to drop body fat to dangerous levels for the muscle to show.

How can I get over this? I just hate the fact that every other woman is more attractive than me, because even women around me are closer to the "ideal" than I am. I know he chose me, but it doesn't help when we're together and I know some other woman who passes by is more attractive to him than me. I'm not naive, I know he must think so, so I don't ask or say anything. I just don't like that, I feel ugly and undesirable. Yes, love is important, but I believe we all want to be attractive to our partners. I'm sure if I was busty, white, blonde, blue eyed, had a big butt, was thinner and toned I wouldn't care if he watched porn, but I feel inferior, especially with what he said when he tried to explain. I know he was trying to reassure me, but it worked the other way, sadly.

I hate being so stupid! Rationally I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but irrationally, it just won't sink!

[Huckleberry3911948]

not to worry with that shape there will be plenty that more than happy to take the job.
live forever no need to weep.

[miu]

Don't worry about not having the perfect body. Being attractive in the real world is about moving with confidence and having a sincere smile on your face. And go to a good fashion boutique and talk to the staff about what clothing styles would flatter your body the most. Find out your colour palette. Get a nice haircut.

[cricket_factor]

I'd say take a dance or exercise class and enjoy your body! Use it! Look at the other women in the class. Your body might not seem so ordinary at all.

You need to stop obsessing and enjoy what you have. Those porn women have hard lives. They have implants. They have multiple partners.

I'm thankful for you that your boyfriend isn't your husband. It must be awful hard to compete with the porn-watching.

[Coolhand68]

You'd be surprised how many of those Maxim models aren't happy with their bodies either. I've known some stunningly hot women who weren't happy with their looks for one reason or other. At some point you have to believe that looks aren't everything (trust me they aren't) and that one day beauty fades. It's not just women either. There are lot's of insecure men out there too. Is your boyfriend built like a Greek God? If not, does it bother him that there are other guys out there who are? I've never been the best looking guy in the room, but it never bothered me either. You have to learn to be happy in your own skin. If all else fails, consult with someone who specializes in make-overs, and see if they have any suggestions for you in regard to hair styles, clothes, make-up etc. Try toning up at the gym. Honestly though, don't sweat it, someone out there will always find you attractive, we all have different tastes.

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by weeping_guitar

I don't really like my body, never have....
How can I stop being so stupid? I wish I was cool like those girlfriends and wives who don't care if their partners look at these women, or go to strip clubs or whatever...How can I get over this?

Weeping_guitar, I see two big issues here:
1. your obsession over physical appearance and a lack of confidence in yourself which stems from this obsession
2. a callous boyfriend

So, lets take ‘em in order.

First, being in shape is good, but you are clearly placing far too much emphasis upon physical appearance. You say NOTHING about who you ARE…all you talk about is how you LOOK. Perhaps you’re too shallow to look past appearances, or maybe you’re just too wrapped up in yourself. You tell us that you’re a decent looking person physically—no real problems. You just don’t comport with some Barbie doll ideal. So what? You’ve got to get a grip and realize that looks only go so far.

Because you seem to obsess over appearance, you have conjured some kind of “ideal” that is unobtainable. But “ideal” varies from person to person. You talk about “typical male answers” and this, I think, is telling. Apparently all the males you know or meet think very similarly, but that is just not true. Not all men go for the porn star/Barbie doll look that is appealing to your boyfriend (and apparently all this friends). But you have it in your mind that because you can’t live up to this fantasy person, you’re no good.

(And what kind of porn is your boyfriend watching? Not a wide variety, apparently, because if it was you would know that folks doing it on video come ALL different shapes, sizes, and looks – amateur and professional).

So my first piece if advice is to quit placing so damn much emphasis upon physical appearance—yours, your boyfriend’s, the porn star’s, and god-only-know who else. Frankly, it is superficial and immature. Looks simply aren’t the be-all and end-all of life. Grow up.

Now, onto this “ideal” boyfriend of yours….

This “ideal” guy apparently compares your appearance to some porn stars and essentially has told you that you just don’t measure up. You say that he “is the hottest guy I've been with and no one can compare, he's just ideal for me.” To that I say: yes and no.

Yes, he is ideal for you because you BOTH clearly put too much emphasis upon fleeting looks and not enough upon character. “He’s hot,” you tell us. Is that all he is? He’s perfect because he looks good? ? You tell us nothing about who he is as a person (other than he likes porn). So, yes, he’s perfect for you in that you both sound very shallow and immature. You’re perfect for each other!

But he is NOT perfect for you because, really, he’s an a**hole. Instead of lifting you up by complimenting you and not comparing you to the porn stars, he pushes you down by comparing you – directly or indirectly – to those video sluts.

What’s more, he clearly uses porn a lot and that bothers you. And this is a real problem. I’m not saying porn is bad – far from it. But in a relationship if viewing porn is something that really bothers the other partner then a loving and caring person would typically not do it (or at least keep it to a quiet minimum). Instead, this “ideal” guy of yours apparently does something often that really bothers you, and he apparently doesn’t care that it bothers you. So why do you put up with this guy? You guys are clearly not compatible this way…he’s into porn, you’re not. He needs to be with a gal who’s OK with his porn taste, and you need to be with a guy who isn’t a porn fiend and can respect your desires.

But my guess is that you’re with this guy because he’s “hot,” and that you ignore or brush off guys who are just average looking. Because you’re too wrapped up in physical appearance.

[Chowhound]

You must be a young woman. All around around us we are saturated with images of what is considered "ideal". It's even starting to affect men as well. We need to take stock in ourselves and "see' that the media is selling us an image and were buying it lock stock and barrel.

Don't be so hard on yourself. The world will kick you in the butt enough without you doing it to yourself.

I know that is easy to say, but it is truly the truth. Stand back and see the truth. Be proud of yourself, find a mate that is as well. If this dude likes white porno chicks that his "problem". If you're Latino or any race, color or creed for that matter, but happy with yourself.

Trust me, life is too short to worry about whether your breast and butt are big enough.

I hope you "hear" this.

[PassTheChocolate]

Originally Posted by professorsenator

Weeping_guitar, I see two big issues here:
1. your obsession over physical appearance and a lack of confidence in yourself which stems from this obsession
2. a callous boyfriend

So, lets take ‘em in order.

First, being in shape is good, but you are clearly placing far too much emphasis upon physical appearance. You say NOTHING about who you ARE…all you talk about is how you LOOK. Perhaps you’re too shallow to look past appearances, or maybe you’re just too wrapped up in yourself. You tell us that you’re a decent looking person physically—no real problems. You just don’t comport with some Barbie doll ideal. So what? You’ve got to get a grip and realize that looks only go so far.

Because you seem to obsess over appearance, you have conjured some kind of “ideal” that is unobtainable. But “ideal” varies from person to person. You talk about “typical male answers” and this, I think, is telling. Apparently all the males you know or meet think very similarly, but that is just not true. Not all men go for the porn star/Barbie doll look that is appealing to your boyfriend (and apparently all this friends). But you have it in your mind that because you can’t live up to this fantasy person, you’re no good.

(And what kind of porn is your boyfriend watching? Not a wide variety, apparently, because if it was you would know that folks doing it on video come ALL different shapes, sizes, and looks – amateur and professional).

So my first piece if advice is to quit placing so damn much emphasis upon physical appearance—yours, your boyfriend’s, the porn star’s, and god-only-know who else. Frankly, it is superficial and immature. Looks simply aren’t the be-all and end-all of life. Grow up.

Now, onto this “ideal” boyfriend of yours….

This “ideal” guy apparently compares your appearance to some porn stars and essentially has told you that you just don’t measure up. You say that he “is the hottest guy I've been with and no one can compare, he's just ideal for me.” To that I say: yes and no.

Yes, he is ideal for you because you BOTH clearly put too much emphasis upon fleeting looks and not enough upon character. “He’s hot,” you tell us. Is that all he is? He’s perfect because he looks good? ? You tell us nothing about who he is as a person (other than he likes porn). So, yes, he’s perfect for you in that you both sound very shallow and immature. You’re perfect for each other!

But he is NOT perfect for you because, really, he’s an a**hole. Instead of lifting you up by complimenting you and not comparing you to the porn stars, he pushes you down by comparing you – directly or indirectly – to those video sluts.

What’s more, he clearly uses porn a lot and that bothers you. And this is a real problem. I’m not saying porn is bad – far from it. But in a relationship if viewing porn is something that really bothers the other partner then a loving and caring person would typically not do it (or at least keep it to a quiet minimum). Instead, this “ideal” guy of yours apparently does something often that really bothers you, and he apparently doesn’t care that it bothers you. So why do you put up with this guy? You guys are clearly not compatible this way…he’s into porn, you’re not. He needs to be with a gal who’s OK with his porn taste, and you need to be with a guy who isn’t a porn fiend and can respect your desires.

But my guess is that you’re with this guy because he’s “hot,” and that you ignore or brush off guys who are just average looking. Because you’re too wrapped up in physical appearance.

Brilliant. Wise, wise words.

[nuala]

1. Take up some weightlifting - not for him, but for yourself. Those who do it regularly, incorporating into everyday routine, start looking toned, whatever their shape. This will help your own spirits and confidence.

2. As for him - ugghhh.. I agree that he indirectly puts you down. You seem to be taking it because he's "hot" and the best so far... You are at the start of this journey, of learning to see the character under the looks, and learning to value and stand up for yourself.

[yankeegirl313]

Hey....we have, what we got, whether we like it or not. You learn to work with what ya` got!
Don`t like what you see? You can change it! Do it.