Settling for a marriage partner, rather than your ideal mate – would you settle? Why or why not? (date, wife)

[Wisteria]

Marry Him! - The Atlantic (March 2008)

Marry Him! by Lori Gottlieb The Atlantic

"My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection….Obviously, I wasn’t always an advocate of settling. In fact, it took not settling to make me realize that settling is the better option, and even though settling is a rampant phenomenon, talking about it in a positive light makes people profoundly uncomfortable."

I read this article, and found it very interesting and informative. Honestly, I am on the side of settling, just so you know from the get-go where I stand....but it took me decades to cross over from "not settling," to "settling."

What do you think? The article is well-written and informative. Would you settle? Why or why not? Have you settled, and has it "worked" for you? If you haven't settled, but are still not in a relationship or married, would you consider it now?

Thanks -- I'm interested in all civil replies!

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Wisteria

I read this article, and found it very interesting and informative. Honestly, I am on the side of settling, just so you know from the get-go where I stand....but it took me decades to cross over from "not settling," to "settling."

What do you think? The article is well-written and informative. Would you settle? Why or why not? Have you settled, and has it "worked" for you? If you haven't settled, but are still not in a relationship or married, would you consider it now?

Thanks -- I'm interested in all civil replies!

I think most of us settle. Few people I know are married to their soul mate. For me, holding out for the perfect mate says you're too good for everyone else. I think it's egotistic to think you deserve the perfect mate when you're not perfect yourself.

I've never met my soul mate. I'm not sure he exists. I have met several men I could have been, happily, married to for a lifetime and a few jerks thrown in for flavor

[WestCobb]

I'm a big believer in the idea that everything moves in cycles -- marriages, jobs, etc. I don't agree with the soul mate / settling dichotomy. I think that in most marriages one or both spouses will alternate between feeling like they've found their soul mate and feeling like they've settled. Personally, I'd rather be in marriage that feels more like a soul mate union than a settlement the majority of the time. However, if I woke up tomorrow and felt like I may not be with my soul mate after all, I'd continue to do what I always try to do -- my duty as a husband and father.

[JustJulia]

I don't believe in the concept of soulmates. If there's only one person in the world for you, statistically speaking, that person probably lives in China, not within driving distance. I think most people could have comfortable, content marriages with different people.

"Settling" is a loaded word, though. What is the person settling for? A loving man who's a little pudgy but treats his wife like gold? A trustworthy man who isn't very tidy but would make a good father? Some traits are important, like kindness and honesty. I would never advise a woman to settle for a man who was handsome but not kind, or rich but not truthful.

[miu]

I don't think that one should compromise or "settle" in their choice of a life mate. However, it's also important not to have such high expectations of our s/o either. It's about being realistic and accepting of ones mate not being a mindreader and having good communication with them.

[lovesMountains]

I personally think it is better to stay unmarried than to settle. Some of us may just not be destined to marry.

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

For me personally I think its more about having realistic expectations. As a young person, full of Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice, I had unrealistic expectations.

I understand the article and found it very interesting and I have to agree that maybe a flame that burns so HOT just can't last. A marriage can't be built and sustained on hot sex for example, there has to be MORE.

[mourful_optimist]

Put me in an arranged marriage and I'll settle for that. I'm sick of wondering who my soulmate is, and to wonder if that person even exists... AND most importantly, divorce isn't an option...and you can learn to love each other.

[musicwriter]

Originally Posted by miu

I don't think that one should compromise or "settle" in their choice of a life mate. However, it's also important not to have such high expectations of our s/o either. It's about being realistic and accepting of ones mate not being a mindreader and having good communication with them.

i can definitely agree. I wouldn't say i was picky when i was searching for a lifemate, BUT, i wasn't going to settle for all the liars, cheaters, gold diggers
that i came across either.

[Jefetio]

Wow I'm surprised to see some great answers from the women here, often as soon as the S word get's thrown out there, pride kicks in and the women just say "NO WAY!"

I also don't believe in soul-mates, though I do think people are only compatible with a fraction of other people. It takes some work of getting to know someone before you even know if you're compatible. Some passion, or butterflies, makes that process a lot easier but I don't think you have to be overwhelmed with passion right away. Sometimes that passion grows as you spend time with the person, so if you toss people away because they don't give you the fire down below on the first date you MIGHT miss out on your true love. It's a matter of balance and being realistic