I put myself in a situation (long, sorry) (dating, boyfriends, girlfriend)
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My girlfriend, whom I love, broke up with me on Friday during a depressive episode. Since, she's called me back crying and talking about wanting to get back together, and was sad because she made me feel so terrible. I told her I'd be ok, and she seemed better.
Fast forward to Monday, she calls and cries again. During this time she tells me she loves me and that I'm her best friend. Despite all of this, I believe that she will not want to get back with me, ever. I went for a drive and thought, "it's over, move on, no point in sulking."
Last night, St. Patrick's Day. People found out I was single, some just wanted to have sex, others wanted to date. Now, I didn't really expect this, but I tend to be really outgoing and times, and really introverted at other times, so I never know what to expect. However, I know I'd crush/ruin the girls who actually wanted more, and would regret just having sex with someone I didn't think I would be with in a relationship.
BUT, there was one girl that was different. I've always been fond of her, but stayed back because she was different, and because I was happy with my gf. This girl, like me, rarely goes to the bars, but of course, she happened to be there. And of course, we end talking, feeding each other peanuts, switching numbers, having great chemistry. I'm ecstatic all day today. I planned to call her Thursday (tomorrow) night and do something on the weekend.
THEN, tonight my ex calls me and is doing horrible again. I'm honest with her, I tell her about the other girls and do say there was one I thought I wouldn't ruin, that was different. She wanted to hang up, but she was in deep in the depression, and I didn't want her to succumb to it. I helped her out of it and into a good mood.
I got her to promise to take her pills daily (which she hasn't in years, I wish her family would've convinced her of this), because depression is not something you get only when you have the major episodes, it's always there. I promised her I wouldn't have sex (for a reasonable period of time--2 months), but couldn't promise about the dating.
She told me she wanted to be with me, she wanted to be holding me then, kissing me all over. She talked about going on a date, and even 'going out' to see my more outgoing side (which seems to hide upon her and my best friend). I know she wants to be with me, but I don't know is she will, if she can beat the anxiety and all the other problems. I told her either way I'd help her.
Now, I don't know what to do. If my gf got things worked out, I think she would take me back, but don't know to a certainty. I would go back. But, this other girl and I could have something. And if my gf decided, 'no' then I might lose out on this other girl. Basically, I don't know what to do. If I do go out with the other girl, she needs to know the circumstances, because otherwises it's not fair to either of us.
Wow, you move fast. In less than a week you went from breaking-up to having multiple offers for sex and dating. You have something magical going on, do not waste it on a relationship.
Be honest with the new possible girlfriend. Tell her that you've just broken up with your ex and you need time to sort things out. Tell her that you hope she'll be there for you once the dust has cleared. I think that she'll understand. Most of us don't want to be the rebound girlfriend anyway.
Then stay broken up with your ex. Stay resolute and try to get her to take her meds. It would be best for her to not be in a relationship while she's sorting out her depression issues. But since you care for her as a person, there will be less drama all around if you don't rush into dating a new person right away. And I think that this new girl will wait for you and not go looking for another guy to date in the meantime.
First, of all, KUDOS for being a stand-up guy and genuinely taking care not to hurt those around you. Also for taking responsibility for your own role in the situation. I'll bet you will do the right thing in the end, with or without advice from us.
That said, I kind if agree with MIU. It sounds like the new girl is a definite possibility, and you don't want to sour it by having to navigate the beginning through the wake of your ex's situation.
I don't know if the ex has any other people in her life to support her, but if she does, it would be best for the both of you to have some distance for awhile. It is nearly impossible to start moving on from a relationship while you are still in contact with each other. My own personal rule is one month of no contact.
If you still want to be there for her after that, take care of yourself so that you don't give up more of yourself than you can stand to lose.
Whatever happens with the new girl, it is GREAT that you can see yourself with someone else. That mean the roller coaster with the ex didn't break you down too much.
Be honest with the new possible girlfriend. Tell her that you've just broken up with your ex and you need time to sort things out. Tell her that you hope she'll be there for you once the dust has cleared. I think that she'll understand. Most of us don't want to be the rebound girlfriend anyway.
Then stay broken up with your ex. Stay resolute and try to get her to take her meds. It would be best for her to not be in a relationship while she's sorting out her depression issues. But since you care for her as a person, there will be less drama all around if you don't rush into dating a new person right away. And I think that this new girl will wait for you and not go looking for another guy to date in the meantime.
I agree. I think your ex needs to be well again before you would consider getting back with her. If she does this once, she's likely to do it again. You could also lose out on someone really wonderful if you go back with her. There's nothing wrong with telling her you need some time to figure things out and decide what you want because you want to be right with what you do and not hurt her later. That gives her the time to get herself together and the opportunity to become more consistent, and you time also. Time apart could be the best eye opener for what's really important to each of you. I wish you the best with your situation
Your ex has too many issues, and she's too dependent on you. If she doesn't change, your relationship with her will be TOXIC and she'll suck you dry. Although I would be supportive of your ex, I certainly wouldn't get back together with her.
I think you know what you have to do. Your ex-GF is not stable. You did your best, but it's time to move on and look forward to seeing what the future holds for you with another woman.
I agree that you should not go running back to the ex, especially not right now. You can support her, but she ended the relationship, so why add new drama to the situation? Go out with the other lady and see what happens. You might hit it off with her, or you might not, but it depends upon whether or not you give the potential new relationship time to develop.
And, if things do not work out, and your ex is on her medication, you could entertain the notion of getting back together. However, I strongly suggest that you each pursue other avenues, while still remaining in contact in the short term, since she needs to have a pattern of following through on her course of treatment before she's ever ready to commit to a relationship. Her own depressive issues are masking what is taking place in the relationship, so basically you've been an extended caretaker of her, epsecially putting up with her episodes which is never an easy task.
You owe it to yourself to look to the future, and not try to create a future with a partner who as of now is incapable of knowing what she wants, or can offer, to a relationship. That may sound cold to some, but why continue to hold yourself in abeyance for a potential relationship if your ex gets everything worked out on her end. Agreeing to take medicines is a first step, but she needs to follow through on this course of treatment and not lapse into the same patterns, which could likely happen if she came running back to you. It's admirable to be supportive of someone in her situation since many guys would write her off as being out of their control, but sometimes the best help and support we can give to another is to help them learn to stand on their own two feet.
Last edited by bmwguydc; 03-19-2009 at 01:21 AM..
Reason: typo
When I break up with my boyfriends I have a hard time letting them go. Even if I'm the one who ended it. But as fate would have it, when a guy is no longer good for me, I end up meeting someone new . This tells me that the universe does indeed want me to move on. So I usually give it about a month to think things through and once I'm sure that i'm interested in the new person, I go for it. This always happens. So maybe this is why you met someone you're interested in right away too?
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