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'Cause, I'm just trying to understand. It's something that we all claim to have experienced, whether romantic or not, but we can't really talk about if. All I know is when I think of somebody I love, and I think of how much I love them I get an ache, truly a physical reaction. It could be my child, my parent, an old friend or girlfriend that I haven't seen in years, and yes, my wife. I'm not so sure there's any difference between real loves. When a romance becomes indistinguishable to other loves in your life in terms of how it feels, then maybe that's real love.
I'm not sure, I'm asking...
Can't really talk about it? With whom? I'm sure if you ask someone about their feelings, they'll talk about it. I guess I don't see why the need to "define" it. I know who I love, and who loves me. Surely you do as well.
... I think Love is when you'd throw yourself under a bus for someone.
Whoa.... And all along I thought I was in love with you! Now I discover that I've never been in love with anyone!
Wait a minute. Does the bus have to be moving?
Seriously, there's all kinds of love, even different kinds and levels of romantic love. I don't think it's a very strong love if you don't put the other person's interests ahead of your own. I would, in an instant, give my life to save my wife's life or the lives of my kids or grandkids. That's a given.
For me, TOTAL acceptance and appreciation of my spouse and all of her wacky habits was when I knew I'd found a higher level of love. I knew I loved her from the first time we met, but there were "things" that I wished she'd change. Then a couple years later, almost suddenly, there was nothing I wanted her to change. If she did something that seemed odd to me, it made me love her more. She never pushed it too far, but I don't think there was anything she could have done that wouldn't have made me love her more. If she'd have had a fling with the next door neighbor, I'd probably have loved her more because of it.
I know it sounds strange, and I don't know if anyone can relate. If you can...
Well, from the time of Ovid people have been writing about love in an attempt to understand it so I don't think I'm alone. For something that occupies much of our time and energy I do think we are lacking in understanding. If not, why would we use terms like "fall" in love to characterize our powerlessness? Can we choose to love or not love someone? Are there really different kinds? Do they come from different parts of the brain? Maybe it's a clinical definition, or understanding I'm after. How many times can we fall in real love in a lifetime? Have you (in general) been in love with everyone you've ever had a lengthy relationship with? If you say no now isn't that just retrospect? Wouldn't you at the time have said that "yes" you were in love with that person?
Whoa.... And all along I thought I was in love with you! Now I discover that I've never been in love with anyone!
Wait a minute. Does the bus have to be moving?
Seriously, there's all kinds of love, even different kinds and levels of romantic love. I don't think it's a very strong love if you don't put the other person's interests ahead of your own. I would, in an instant, give my life to save my wife's life or the lives of my kids or grandkids. That's a given.
For me, TOTAL acceptance and appreciation of my spouse and all of her wacky habits was when I knew I'd found a higher level of love. I knew I loved her from the first time we met, but there were "things" that I wished she'd change. Then a couple years later, almost suddenly, there was nothing I wanted her to change. If she did something that seemed odd to me, it made me love her more. She never pushed it too far, but I don't think there was anything she could have done that wouldn't have made me love her more. If she'd have had a fling with the next door neighbor, I'd probably have loved her more because of it.
I know it sounds strange, and I don't know if anyone can relate. If you can...
Whoa.... And all along I thought I was in love with you! Now I discover that I've never been in love with anyone!
Wait a minute. Does the bus have to be moving?
Yep...doesn't count otherwise!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk
Seriously, there's all kinds of love, even different kinds and levels of romantic love. I don't think it's a very strong love if you don't put the other person's interests ahead of your own. I would, in an instant, give my life to save my wife's life or the lives of my kids or grandkids. That's a given.
I know it sounds strange, and I don't know if anyone can relate. If you can...
To a limited degree, but I haven't found an on/off switch. I'm afraid if you have to convince yourself that you love someone, you might later convince yourself that you were wrong. And people and our perceptions of them change. You might think you love someone but find out later that they're not who you originally thought they were.
I loved my first wife -- still loved her after she said she no longer loved me. Still loved her for a decade without sex. Then I stopped and asked myself, "If I just met her, would I love her for who she is?" The answer was obvious. She had changed from a sweet, loving girl to a.... Let's just say she changed, and I didn't love who she'd become. I had spent years loving someone who no longer existed.
I almost married another sweet, young gal. I really liked her, and I knew that she loved me like she'd never loved anyone. I tried to love her, and I did to some extent but just couldn't love her in the way she deserved it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExPit
Are there really different kinds?
Obviously.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExPit
Do they come from different parts of the brain? Maybe it's a clinical definition, or understanding I'm after.
I wouldn't know about that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExPit
How many times can we fall in real love in a lifetime?
I don't know, but I've been in what you'd probably consider "real love" four times. I do know that some people can love easier than others. You've really got to "give" yourself to love, and some can't do that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExPit
Have you (in general) been in love with everyone you've ever had a lengthy relationship with? If you say no now isn't that just retrospect? Wouldn't you at the time have said that "yes" you were in love with that person?
Is love a conscious choice? Can we choose to love or not to love someone, turn it off and on
I don't believe you can turn it off and on at will. No splitting or a divorce decree can do it, either. Letting go happens when it's meant to happen and no advice or conscious effort can change the timing.
On a few occasions I've found it helpful to return to the scene of the crime so to speak much later in order to get much needed closure and let it really go. Incidentally, I had such a "funeral" the other day spending some time with my ex-husband. I finally came to terms with the idea he never was, is, or will be the person I'd created in my imagination. He was just about ending the next destruction in his life... the very same scenario... just like us... just like the one before... He asked a few questions and made a few statements so bizarre they floored me. It was about things you'd know about acquaintances, never mind people you've lived with. Came to prove I was just an adoring mirror to him at first and as soon as I wasn't as adoring anymore I held no interest for him whatsoever. He never knew me or had any desire to know me. We also engaged in activities we shouldn't have and yet as strange as it may be, they helped me to think more clearly as well. Even the passion wasn't there anymore. It seems like the distance lifts the fog and you finally see the subject at hand and not your wishful thinking.
So I no longer have lingering questions about what could've been, should've been, would've been... I simply accepted that's what it is and who he is and the outcome was totally out of my control. Preventing it was within my control, I suppose, but not the outcome. I finally forgave him and myself and let it go. I can't hate him or myself for being so screwed-up... Neither one of us was deliberately vicious. It would be like hating somebody having a horrible disease... it's not their fault. All that's left is sadness.
I don't believe you can turn it off and on at will. No splitting or a divorce decree can do it, either. Letting go happens when it's meant to happen and no advice or conscious effort can change the timing.
On a few occasions I've found it helpful to return to the scene of the crime so to speak much later in order to get much needed closure and let it really go. Incidentally, I had such a "funeral" the other day spending some time with my ex-husband. I finally came to terms with the idea he never was, is, or will be the person I'd created in my imagination. He was just about ending the next destruction in his life... the very same scenario... just like us... just like the one before... He asked a few questions and made a few statements so bizarre they floored me. It was about things you'd know about acquaintances, never mind people you've lived with. Came to prove I was just an adoring mirror to him at first and as soon as I wasn't as adoring anymore I held no interest for him whatsoever. He never knew me or had any desire to know me. We also engaged in activities we shouldn't have and yet as strange as it may be, they helped me to think more clearly as well. Even the passion wasn't there anymore. It seems like the distance lifts the fog and you finally see the subject at hand and not your wishful thinking.
So I no longer have lingering questions about what could've been, should've been, would've been... I simply accepted that's what it is and who he is and the outcome was totally out of my control. Preventing it was within my control, I suppose, but not the outcome. I finally forgave him and myself and let it go. I can't hate him or myself for being so screwed-up... Neither one of us was deliberately vicious. It would be like hating somebody having a horrible disease... it's not their fault. All that's left is sadness.
You know it's funny, but I recently got an email from an old girlfriend and we've been trading emails back and forth for a couple weeks. Nothing sexy of course, a lot of nostalgia, "oh yes, I remember it well", that kind of thing. But I was really in love with this girl and I think she with me. She's married, I'm married, we live in different cities, haven't seen her in a dozen years, but why do I still feel love for her? I'd never, how's the other song go, "do anything to upset (either of our) happy home", but I don't know, it just feels good to be in touch with her. We've gone through the, 'what ifs' already, what happened, what might have been, even gone as far as to say that we love each other, and I guess on some level I think we do. Am I just a romantic fool?
I don't know... It sounds like you're like me - not very good at closing doors completely and moving on. One door took me good 13 years, 10 of them of no contact whatsoever. The last meeting was like the one I was talking about above - I finally shut that door forever, I think... Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's forever.
I believe living too much in the past and revisiting memories is not beneficial. It prevents us from enjoying the present and moving on to the future. It's very heavy baggage dragging us down and making us not completely emotionally available. That's one of the reasons I believe in marrying somewhat young and hopefully staying together. Having had too many people in your life is emotionally taxing.
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With whom? I'm sure if you ask someone about their feelings, they'll talk about it. I guess I don't see why the need to "define" it. I know who I love, and who loves me. Surely you do as well.
Now I discover that I've never been in love with anyone! 
Yep...doesn't count otherwise!! 
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's forever.
