husband who never wants to spend weekends at home (girlfriend, marriages, male) - Dating, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends, men, women, friends, attraction ... - Page 5 - City-Data Forum

yankeegirl313 · 03-22-2009, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok

"cuz i guess i have this mentality that weekends are meant for family, and such is married life!"

That indicated to me that she feels he should NEVER be allowed to see his friends on the weekend.

Are you married? I would say from your posts, that you are not.

afoigrokerkok · 03-22-2009, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

Are you married? I would say from your posts, that you are not.

I am actually. And I spend the majority of weekends at home.

But, at the same time, it is not by force. If it was by force, I certainly would not. That was what I was getting at.

yankeegirl313 · 03-22-2009, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok

I am actually. And I spend the majority of weekends at home.

But, at the same time, it is not by force. If it was by force, I certainly would not. That was what I was getting at.

Ok...Then how would YOU feel, if the roles were reversed? Say, your wife spent every weekend out with her GF`s? Do you still think thats ok?
Think about this...before you answer, honestly.

afoigrokerkok · 03-22-2009, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

Ok...Then how would YOU feel, if the roles were reversed? Say, your wife spent every weekend out with her GF`s? Do you still think thats ok?
Think about this...before you answer, honestly.

ALL weekend? No I don't think it's OK and it would make me upset. If it was for a few hours once every weekend...I certainly wouldn't be mad at all. She goes out without me on the weekends a couple of times a month usually and I have no problem with it.

This is why I stressed balance.

yankeegirl313 · 03-22-2009, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok

This is why I stressed balance.

Which is exactly the OP`s point?

Azmordean · 03-22-2009, 04:30 PM

This is an interesting conundrum. I think there has to be a happy medium though. I can identify with this issue, because I am a very loyal friend and enjoy time with my friends a LOT. I need it, in fact. This is actually one of the reasons part of me isn't sure about marriage. Seeing my buddies once a month or whatever like a lot of married guys do would just NEVER work for me.

That being said, him spending all day each weekend away is too far the other way. You need to TALK to him - not tell him what to do - but have a conversation with him. Here are some thoughts, in no particular order.

1. His wanting to see his friends every week is not, to me, unreasonable. If he's close to them, its perfectly understandable.

2. You guys should get out of town on occasion. Take a weekend away with just the two of you. When you do this, he can go out with his buddies on a weeknight instead!

3. On normal weekends, MAKE PLANS with him. It sounds like he's like me and my best bud, in that he's not very domestic. Nothing is more boring to me than a whole day spent hanging around the house. This may be why he goes to see his friends so much - because he just doesn't like to hang out at home. You don't have kids, you don't have to be a boring married couple. Go out on DATES. Go clubbing. Go see a concert. Go to dinner and movie. Go for a hike, then out for steak. But plan it during the week, so there's something to look forward to on the weekend! You two nned to make your time together EXCITING. And whatever night your "date" is, he can maybe go out with his friends the other night (and so should you!).

Good luck to you

.

PassTheChocolate · 03-22-2009, 07:05 PM

No one should give up their friends just because they are married or in a committed relationship. But I'd have a serious problem with every weekend, all weekend. Balance, I agree, is in order.

temptation001 · 03-22-2009, 07:32 PM

Is there a reason why you cant invite his friends over to your house once in a while?

If he loves hanging out with the guys, then his social skills must be in good enough shape that he can make new friends that are married.

When he gets home in the evenings do you guys go out to dinner or does he make you stay at home and cook dinner and wash the dishes?

Does he expect you to be at home all the time? Is that why you dont get some friends to go out with on the weekends?

Do you guys fight a lot? Is he avoiding you? Does he come home falling drunk?

Does he answer your phone calls when you call him? Where does he go to hang out with his buddies? Do you ever drop by unexpectedly? And if so, does he demand that you leave instead of looking happy to see you?

Are his friends "no good"?

If hes the one controling what you do, you should feel bad.

coastalrap · 03-22-2009, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by homealone09

Hi i've been married for almost 2 years, but me and my husband have been together for over 4 years. I knew it from the beginning that he never likes to stay at home. But since we've gotten married, he'd always go out and stay at his friends or coworker's house all day on saturdays and sundays instead of staying home with me. Is this normal? I feel like we have a very strong relationship, we never argue about anything, and he's very loving when he IS with me. I'm just starting to feel a little anxious cuz of him rather spending all day with friends on a weekend than with me. Maybe i'm just feeling insecure, but aren't weekends supposed to be spent with family, like ur wife, and not coworkers or buddies? Even though I can handle being alone all day doing my own thing, nobody likes to be lonely.

No it's not normal behavior. He is not mature enough to be married. He still thinks and acts like a single dude hangin with his peeps. Maybe you thought that would change after the ceremony but that's rarely what happens.

Do yourself a very big favor and don't have kids till you get this worked out. I would hate to rely on him to be a dad at this point or even worse, expect him to show up for his visitation weekend.

orangeapple · 03-23-2009, 03:47 PM

It sounds to me that he is selfishly ignoring your needs and letting his friendships get in the way of your marriage. Of course he should not spend every waking minute with you (you probably don't even want that) and he should still see his friends, but you should be his priority as his wife.

This also seems like a case of an introvert married to an extreme extrovert. He always wants to be around people and doing things, and you're content to be a homebody sometimes and don't like the idea of being around other people all day long (it gets tiring for you, right?).

As suggested, try making plans for the two of you out of the house, or maybe plan projects around the house that are hands on & kind of fun. Then when he hangs out with his friends, use that for some alone time to recharge. Also, try making plans as couples. Have your couple friends over for dinner or go out with them. You'd be surprised at how many of them do not set the entire weekend aside as "family time". Most people work during the week, and use weekends to socialize.

You need to tell him how you feel without being accusatory or demanding. If he cares for you and sees you are unhappy with the current situation, then he should make the needed adjustments. Simple tweaks in your phrasing like "I feel ignored" vs. "You're ignoring me" is less inflammatory. Or "I'd like it if we could spend more time together, just you and me, on the weekends" vs. "I don't want you to hang out with your friends on the weekends anymore". See the difference in the approach? If you handle it right then it shouldn't make him resentful.