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Old 03-26-2009, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
657 posts, read 980,541 times
Reputation: 390

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Quote:
Originally Posted by tao View Post
I think you're projecting your own experience onto the OP and that's not fair. They are two completely different situations. The OP has reason to worry - her husband has proven himself to be a liar in the past and now he's acting very shady. I'd be on red alert too, with the way he's acting, as would most people who've responded in this thread.

You might have been the wronged party in your case but this isn't you.

Fair. I also think she came into it with a non-trusting attitude, based on her demands for him to stop using messengers, before they were even married. If i were him, i would have "peaced out" at that point, because if someone can't trust me in a relationship before i've given them a reason not to, they aren't going to trust regardless.

be on red alert all you want.. He might indeed be acting shady(even i can agree on that), but this is one side of a story with a TON of speculation of what someone is worried might be happening with little solid proof. Her mind seems to be made up already. If she has to resort to shady (yes, spying is SHADY and every reason for him not to trust her in return) means just to trust him, it will never stop, and she will never fully trust him.
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Old 03-26-2009, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Earth
3,797 posts, read 4,288,858 times
Reputation: 2487
Quote:
Originally Posted by lgsz68 View Post
Hello everyone,

This is my first post. I desperately need some advice.

I am a newlywed, married almost a year. I am 26 and my husband is 28. We dated for three years before we married. Our dating was filled with my huband (then boyfriend) contact his ex-girlfriend. He emailed her, instant messaged and googled her. Several years ago, I told him that if he ever got on the instant message again, we were done. I knew that if he was on there, he would be contacting her at some point and I would never know about it. At the time, he agreed and for several years, it appeared that he did stay off and that he had not contacted this girl.

Fast forward to today. I have discovered that he is back on the instant message...not just sometimes but most of the day and night. He is on at night when I am asleep. And you probably have guessed that the ex-girlfriend is on at the same time. However, I can't prove that they are on together, but he has broken my trust already.

Some people have suggested that I install a keylogger on his laptop computer. I have also thought of hiring a private detective. Do you consider this cheating, and if so, is it enough to end a marriage? I should add that the girl lives about a thousand miles from us. But, my husband travels a lot and I don't know that she wouldn't join him sometime.

Any help would be so appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Situations like these make me so sad. If you have to ask if it's cheating, it probably is and even if it's not "technically" cheating, whatever it is that he is doing is making you uncomfortable. And if it makes you uncomfortable and he is doing it anyway, knowing that you wouldn't approve ie at work, while you sleep ect.. that's blantantly disrespectful. He has no regard for your feelings. Life is too short to live in this type of uncertainty.


My ex husband use to give me the old song and dance that I was just insecure whenever I confronted him about things that made me uncomfortable, years later I found out he was soliciting sex on craigs list casual encounters (luckily we were already divorcing when I found out). Trust your intuition it's there for a reason.

Now I am in a very healthy relationship with a wonderful man who is very sensitive about my feelings and if something were to make me uncomfortable we work through it together. Healthy relationships are there so that we can learn and grow as individuals, supporting each other and opening up our vulnerable side. If it's doing the opposite (making us feel more insecure or less loved) then it's not healthy and can literally cause sickness in our bodies.

You're still so young, life doesn't really even begin until you turn 30, so rest easy that you have plenty of time. But in the meantime take care of yourself. So he may be contacting the ex? Take your power back and don't judge your happiness based on what he is or isn't doing.
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Old 03-26-2009, 02:15 PM
 
Location: SRQ ~ Siesta Key
4,228 posts, read 8,248,008 times
Reputation: 1499
Quote:
Originally Posted by lgsz68 View Post
Hello everyone,

This is my first post. I desperately need some advice.

I am a newlywed, married almost a year. I am 26 and my husband is 28. We dated for three years before we married. Our dating was filled with my huband (then boyfriend) contact his ex-girlfriend. He emailed her, instant messaged and googled her. Several years ago, I told him that if he ever got on the instant message again, we were done. I knew that if he was on there, he would be contacting her at some point and I would never know about it. At the time, he agreed and for several years, it appeared that he did stay off and that he had not contacted this girl.

Fast forward to today. I have discovered that he is back on the instant message...not just sometimes but most of the day and night. He is on at night when I am asleep. And you probably have guessed that the ex-girlfriend is on at the same time. However, I can't prove that they are on together, but he has broken my trust already.

Some people have suggested that I install a keylogger on his laptop computer. I have also thought of hiring a private detective. Do you consider this cheating, and if so, is it enough to end a marriage? I should add that the girl lives about a thousand miles from us. But, my husband travels a lot and I don't know that she wouldn't join him sometime.

Any help would be so appreciated. Thanks in advance.
You already know what he's doing so don't waste your money on keyloggers or detectives. He travels; she lives out of state; guess what, they're hooking up in his travels. You know what to do. Get a seperation first & realize that you probably have to move on. A relationship without trust is nothing but a nightmare; wake up.
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Old 03-26-2009, 02:18 PM
 
Location: southern california
49,810 posts, read 46,924,638 times
Reputation: 41062
definitely you are not in a 1 on 1. many people cant do one on one. even more are in denial.
he is emotionally involved with somebody else and never did let go.
swimming with one toe on the bottom of the pool. for many a narcisst (and some others) trust issues are major hence a 1 on 1 is out of the question.
triangle is weapon of choice and for the beautiful people very easy. its hard to cage a fox isn't it. yet it is the dream of so many women who post on CDF. brad pitt loading the dishwasher i think that was a chessiemom post no? great phrase.
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Old 03-26-2009, 02:18 PM
 
Location: SRQ ~ Siesta Key
4,228 posts, read 8,248,008 times
Reputation: 1499
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes View Post
Oh, he has a laptop!!!

You may have to drug his food and steal his computer then.
I'd drop it in the bathtub, after I'd made a nice bath & got him in it....
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Old 03-26-2009, 04:29 PM
 
11,000 posts, read 7,098,964 times
Reputation: 8246
Quote:
Originally Posted by J double R View Post
Fair. I also think she came into it with a non-trusting attitude, based on her demands for him to stop using messengers, before they were even married. If i were him, i would have "peaced out" at that point, because if someone can't trust me in a relationship before i've given them a reason not to, they aren't going to trust regardless.

be on red alert all you want.. He might indeed be acting shady(even i can agree on that), but this is one side of a story with a TON of speculation of what someone is worried might be happening with little solid proof. Her mind seems to be made up already. If she has to resort to shady (yes, spying is SHADY and every reason for him not to trust her in return) means just to trust him, it will never stop, and she will never fully trust him.
She doesnt trust him because he promised he wouldnt use the messenger anymore. So now he clearly broke his promise. If he knew he couldnt stop using the messenger why did he have to promise her he would? He could of just said "sorry baby, this messenger is more important to me than our relationship" and they could of both been honest with each other. Now he's saying what he didnt say before by breaking his promise to her. So she has reason to distrust him. When people cheat , you dont always catch them in the act. But you have the clues .(Its hard to wait around till someone jumps into bed with their lover, cus that means you have too much time on your hands and are a stalker).
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Old 03-26-2009, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Victoria TX
38,753 posts, read 38,469,220 times
Reputation: 28825
What if you use a keylogger and find out that he is doing nothing wrong? Would that be cheating?
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Old 03-26-2009, 07:52 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
657 posts, read 980,541 times
Reputation: 390
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88 View Post
What if you use a keylogger and find out that he is doing nothing wrong? Would that be cheating?
i hope that really IS the case, purely to prove all of you skeptics wrong.
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Old 03-26-2009, 09:32 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,844 posts, read 54,271,543 times
Reputation: 22788
Quote:
Originally Posted by J double R View Post
i hope that really IS the case, purely to prove all of you skeptics wrong.
We prefer to be called "informed optimists," dear!
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Old 03-26-2009, 09:49 PM
 
Location: James Island, SC
1,628 posts, read 2,393,083 times
Reputation: 921
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonsavvy View Post
Situations like these make me so sad. If you have to ask if it's cheating, it probably is...
I clicked on this thread intending to say the very same thing
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