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i hope that really IS the case, purely to prove all of you skeptics wrong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88
What if you use a keylogger and find out that he is doing nothing wrong? Would that be cheating?
Well according to what I've read he's ALREADY done something wrong..promising to stop and then SNEAKING around late at night to continue. We can give soooooo many chances before WE'RE sharing fault as an enabler.
I read this thread, and will be keeping most of my thoughts to myself. I, once upon a time, was happily married. My wife had some SERIOUS trust issues.. which resulted more often than not in me being accused of cheating, looking for other women, lying, etc. There was never more proof than speculation and conclusion-jumping, and i never once even THOUGHT about another woman, much less betraying my wife by actually cheating on her. I trusted her with every cell in my body, because I KNEW she would never cheat on me, and i figured that trust would help her to trust me, but it didn't. Counseling was to no avail, though she did put forth a good effort with it, and we were able to uncover quite a bit of her past and childhood that the counselor believed to be partially the cause of the trust issues. In the end, she ended up leaving me for another man. The timelines don't match up, but i never had any proof she actually cheated on me, so I can't say she did...
My point is, I've been that guy. the guy who is endlessly faithful, yet can't get out from under the thumb of accusation. It doesnt matter what you do to try to prove yourself.. Once she believes you've done it, it's just a downhill spiral. In the end, she and I are civil and friendly, and we share a 3 year old daughter from our 4 year marriage.. but with trust issues like that, marriage wasn't possible.
Hi, I am sorry for what you went through and the fact that your wife didn't trust you. My situation is a little different. There have been numerous incidents already. He has instant messaged and emailed her in the past and has admitted to it. Initially, each time he lied first but when I had evidence, he admitted it He promised me he wouldn't ever do it again, because it was the only way I would stay with him. Over the course of our relationship, he has made many promises and broken them. I always give him another chance because he is very convincing. I don't even know if this is cheating and I have not accused him of anything. I haven't done the keylogger and have decided against it. It makes me feel like I am as secretive as he is. I don't want that. However, I can't continue this my whole life. I may never have the proof I need. So, I am stuck.
She doesnt trust him because he promised he wouldnt use the messenger anymore. So now he clearly broke his promise. If he knew he couldnt stop using the messenger why did he have to promise her he would? He could of just said "sorry baby, this messenger is more important to me than our relationship" and they could of both been honest with each other. Now he's saying what he didnt say before by breaking his promise to her. So she has reason to distrust him. When people cheat , you dont always catch them in the act. But you have the clues .(Its hard to wait around till someone jumps into bed with their lover, cus that means you have too much time on your hands and are a stalker).
Yes, that is exactly the point. He promised and if he couldn't or wouldn't do it, he should have been honest instead of doing it behind my back. I know it seems like a minor issue but it was a deal breaker for me and he knew it. We both could have moved on years ago.
Hi, I am sorry for what you went through and the fact that your wife didn't trust you. My situation is a little different. There have been numerous incidents already. He has instant messaged and emailed her in the past and has admitted to it. Initially, each time he lied first but when I had evidence, he admitted it He promised me he wouldn't ever do it again, because it was the only way I would stay with him. Over the course of our relationship, he has made many promises and broken them. I always give him another chance because he is very convincing. I don't even know if this is cheating and I have not accused him of anything. I haven't done the keylogger and have decided against it. It makes me feel like I am as secretive as he is. I don't want that. However, I can't continue this my whole life. I may never have the proof I need. So, I am stuck.
You aren't stuck!! YOU are the captain of your fate - take the bull by the balls, I mean, horn () and get to the bottom of this with him.
There have been numerous incidents already. He has instant messaged and emailed her in the past and has admitted to it. Initially, each time he lied first but when I had evidence, he admitted it He promised me he wouldn't ever do it again, because it was the only way I would stay with him. Over the course of our relationship, he has made many promises and broken them. I always give him another chance because he is very convincing
You may have TOLD him you won't tolerate him messaging or contacting his ex, but you've SHOWN him thr ur actions so far (by taking him back very time he lied) not to take you at your word. Bottom line is you're either willing to SETTLE for a man(not really) who clearly has very little respect or regard for you or you have enough self-respect to walk.
He won't stop talking to his ex and you won't start trusting him (not that he deserves it) so it's time to nip this in the bud. Shouldn't have married him in the first place if you ask me. Don't get keylogger or hire a detective; just leave. He had already agreed that he wouldn't do the IM anymore and you threatened to leave if he did. Now it's time to follow through. The problem with women like you is that you throw out threats that you don't intend to follow through with.
It is disrespectful and disloyal to you on his part if he is instant messaging an old girl friend. If you suspect he is doing this follow your instincts. Do what you need to prove it and confront him, if he loves you he will put your feelings first. If he gets defensive and angry because he's been caught don't back down, stand your ground. Do not let him twist the situation around and try to blame you for doubting him. He started the distrust years ago when he was communicating with an old flame. Good luck.
It makes me feel like I am as secretive as he is. I don't want that. However, I can't continue this my whole life. I may never have the proof I need. So, I am stuck.
Then DON'T be as secretive as him. It's definitely a two-way street, and regardless of reasons given, spying is a MAJOR offense in the world of trust. If you distrust him so much that you feel you need to spy, then as mentioned above, talking to him again, is in order. Instead of setting ultimatums right off the bat though, explain in DETAIL how it makes you feel, and what it looks like from being in YOUR shoes.. If he can't at the very least understand that, then you have a basis for getting the hell out.
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) and get to the bottom of this with him.
