Is this cheating? (dating, boyfriend, girlfriend, marriage)

[lgsz68]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post. I desperately need some advice.

I am a newlywed, married almost a year. I am 26 and my husband is 28. We dated for three years before we married. Our dating was filled with my huband (then boyfriend) contact his ex-girlfriend. He emailed her, instant messaged and googled her. Several years ago, I told him that if he ever got on the instant message again, we were done. I knew that if he was on there, he would be contacting her at some point and I would never know about it. At the time, he agreed and for several years, it appeared that he did stay off and that he had not contacted this girl.

Fast forward to today. I have discovered that he is back on the instant message...not just sometimes but most of the day and night. He is on at night when I am asleep. And you probably have guessed that the ex-girlfriend is on at the same time. However, I can't prove that they are on together, but he has broken my trust already.

Some people have suggested that I install a keylogger on his laptop computer. I have also thought of hiring a private detective. Do you consider this cheating, and if so, is it enough to end a marriage? I should add that the girl lives about a thousand miles from us. But, my husband travels a lot and I don't know that she wouldn't join him sometime.

Any help would be so appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[crankygf]

It appears as if he is cheating if he's keeping it a secret. If he's doing nothing why would he do it so discreetly, and if so, what else is he hiding?

[Twinkle Toes]

Yes, keylogger, absolutely! You can pretty much find out what you need to find out with the keylogger without going to a lot of expense of having him followed. He apparently spends a lot of time on the computer, so you should be able to get everything you need from the keylogger. If indeed he is cheating, you should throw his ass to the curb as far as you can throw him!

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by lgsz68

Hello everyone,

This is my first post. I desperately need some advice.

I am a newlywed, married almost a year. I am 26 and my husband is 28. We dated for three years before we married. Our dating was filled with my huband (then boyfriend) contact his ex-girlfriend. He emailed her, instant messaged and googled her. Several years ago, I told him that if he ever got on the instant message again, we were done. I knew that if he was on there, he would be contacting her at some point and I would never know about it. At the time, he agreed and for several years, it appeared that he did stay off and that he had not contacted this girl.

Fast forward to today. I have discovered that he is back on the instant message...not just sometimes but most of the day and night. He is on at night when I am asleep. And you probably have guessed that the ex-girlfriend is on at the same time. However, I can't prove that they are on together, but he has broken my trust already.

Some people have suggested that I install a keylogger on his laptop computer. I have also thought of hiring a private detective. Do you consider this cheating, and if so, is it enough to end a marriage? I should add that the girl lives about a thousand miles from us. But, my husband travels a lot and I don't know that she wouldn't join him sometime.

Any help would be so appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Just curious why you went ahead and married him when "you knew that if he was on there, he would be contacting her at some point"???

[professorsenator]

He has already broken a promise to you -- i.e. no IM. You thus have reasonable suspicion. I think a keylogger or some other computer "snooping" option would not be out of line (hiring a investigator is usually pretty expensive, but, hey, if you can swing it...).

If you find he is having contact with the ex- (and assuming you have given him no decent reason to stray -- i.e. you have not cheated, you give him sex, etc.), then I think you should leave him. He has betrayed your trust and done so in the early stages of your marriage, when love is freshest and the going is easy. What do you think will happen later on when things get tough?

You're young, and I'm guessing no kids. Don't tie yourself down for the rest of your life to a serial philanderer. If he is contacting her, then tell him there's no room for three people in your relationship...and you'll be the one hitting the road.

[lgsz68]

I know. I shouldn't have married him. We had gone to counseling and I thought he had changed. He had promised me there would be no more contact. He promised everyone, including our parents. I was a fool. I don't have proof that he's contacted her. All I know for sure is that he is on the instant message....a lot.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by lgsz68

I know. I shouldn't have married him. We had gone to counseling and I thought he had changed. He had promised me there would be no more contact. He promised everyone, including our parents. I was a fool. I don't have proof that he's contacted her. All I know for sure is that he is on the instant message....a lot.

It's awfully early in your marriage to have so much mistrust in your husband - doesn't bode well for the future. I always believe in following your gut instincts - if normal, well-balanced people did this more often they could save themselves a heap of heartache in life. So even without proof if you know in your gut something isn't right, it probably isn't. Insist on marriage counseling immediately, it may be your only hope. Good luck.

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by lgsz68

I know. I shouldn't have married him. We had gone to counseling and I thought he had changed. He had promised me there would be no more contact. He promised everyone, including our parents. I was a fool. I don't have proof that he's contacted her. All I know for sure is that he is on the instant message....a lot.

WOW! You've already been to counseling? And oyu realize marrying him was a mistake? The bottom line is that there is NO TRUST. That's a killer.

[lgsz68]

I didn't really mean marrying him was a mistake...I just think marrying him before this was resolved was. But, I truly thought he was done with talking to his ex. The counseling sessions were really good.

[Twinkle Toes]

Never, ever go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person, or hoping that he or she will change. What you see is what you get. Remember this for next time.