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Old 03-24-2009, 12:31 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,565,848 times
Reputation: 3456
i think the guy has courage for speaking up
there are a lot of women i know who either stay away from sex, or have sex and don't allow themsleves to enjoy it because they are afraid of getting pregnant (yes, even with birth control, yes no matter how careful everyone is, it still happens, statistics prove that)

many women only start enjoying sex really when they or their partner is "fixed" or after menopause, or during pregnancy, because then they can really "let go" without that fear of pregnancy that is always there in the back of the mind

i have to say for me as a woman who has been with men sexually, and been with women sexually, that one of the great advantages to enjoyment of pleasure with same-sex partner intimacy is that fear of pregnancy does not exist
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Old 03-24-2009, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Conway, Arkansas
108 posts, read 241,085 times
Reputation: 102
Default Don't worry about it

Quote:
Originally Posted by moddestmike View Post
First off, I'm a 25 year old single male. Professional IT consultant within the Oil and Gas industry. I have yet to experience any downturns related to the economy.

That being said, I've always had a serious phobia of having kids/a family and not being able to provide for them. With the current state of affairs in the US, I see this on a common basis and do not want to become a statistic. My fear of this has gotten so bad to the point that I consult with a close family member who is a therapist. We were discussing alternatives to try and curtail this very aggressive and consuming fear of mines. The only realistic and somewhat easing solution was vasectomy, non-invasive.

Last few years, this fear has perpetuated to the point that I have totally discouraged relationships and any sexual encounters with women I date. I feel awful because I'm being viewed as snobbish or "too good", or the female takes it as a rejection when the truth is I'm to the point where I'm terrified of making a mistake (Yes, at this point sex in a way scares the hell out of me). I try to explain this to females but for some reason they have a hard time understanding. I thought it would be the other way around but its not.

Anyone else, male or female been through this? I should not be worried considering my average income is more than most households with 2 incomes and I have very little debt. i just can't shake the fact of one day not being able to feed my child or provide him with the very best opportunities in life.
Ok, I honestly don't think you'd ever get to a point where you couldn't feed your child, but I understand the scariness of the possibility of that situation. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it right now, especially if you're not ready to see anyone. When you are ready, you'll find the right person, these women who are thinking you're snobbish or whatever aren't even worth your time if they're not willing to listen and at least try to understand your fears now. Besides, it sounds like they'll have someone who really cares about them and the kids and they should care for you the same. And if it's selfishness you're worried about, there's just something that turns in you when you see that little baby totally depending on you for everything, unselfishness comes in a blink of an eye. Trust yourself and you'll do fine. Good luck

Last edited by BABsMom; 03-24-2009 at 12:39 PM.. Reason: Typo
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Old 03-24-2009, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Houston
876 posts, read 903,929 times
Reputation: 1157
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
if you know you don't want to have children,
that is a perfectly respectable choice
why not get a vasectomy, so you will be at peace with that decision
and can still enjoy intimacy with a woman without the fear of making babies, if that is something you want in your life
I'm not sure how many women are ok with not having kids. Its a safe bet that fewer aren't ok with it than are and this is the dilemma. When I explain how I feel, its an instant conversation killer when they are the ones that often bring the question up. I'm just not sure how to approach things If I go forth with getting "snipped".

..........Never thought I'd be to this point where I'm asking for guidance on an internet forum.
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Old 03-24-2009, 01:28 PM
 
13,175 posts, read 11,786,547 times
Reputation: 7558
Why do you think, so many women who have lost their husbands to a death, never remarry?

take your time and enjoy life, if you don't, you might accept less then you deserve out of despiration. There is nothing wrong with being single and unmarried. Society makes us think that we are not successful unless we are married...bull pucky...I've been single for oh, almost 15 years now, and never been happier in my life. Relationships are very hard, demanding, unless you are lucky enough to choose, and you do choose, your most accomodating mate. your mate should enhance your life, certainly not make you sad. Your mate, as well as you should encourage each other to be successful, even if one must be left behind so to speak at times...most mates are intimidated and fear their mates going ahead to successl. And most of all, you want to make certain, your not going to marry a woman who is going to rob you of everything, your identity, your bank savings...etc. You want to make certain she has goals and isn't co-dependent on your for happiness...no one is going to make you happy but you. It is not someone else's job to do so.

The best way, and I wish I had known this when I was young, to choose a mate, is self exploration...learn who you are, realize you are your own best friend...and enjoy the company you keep in you. If you realize your own personal needs, you will realize and be less inclined to compromise your identity.

I always fear when people say, "I don't want to be alone", let me tell you buddy, you can be with someone and feel the epidomy of lonliness. Lonliness like you've never known before.

My son married a beautiful woman, quickly, b/c he feared he was getting older and wouldn't find anyone, so he settled. Well, he works 3 jobs enables her to run up all kinds of bills, for cloths, makeup, jewelry, etc...for her and her child. She refuses to work, she doesn't do anything to help him...he cleans, grocery shops, does laundry...she keeps him so busy, he has no time for himself. And he THINKS he is being a good husband and provider, yet, he does NOTHING for himself...no hobbies...nothing???? It's his fault as well as hers, but my point is, sometimes when men marry women like this, they make excuses for them, enable them, and fear leaving them. Whatever...just make certain, very certain, you watch for signs and don't ignore them. If the girl had a really bad childhood growing up and is angry, distant from her family, talks about them...is she emotionally high maintenance? And beware, some people are very good actresses....very good...manipulative, b/c they are looking to be taken care of.

I've known people who have had very successful marriages...but those people are all I've described. They are not afraid to encourage their mates to take weekend getaways with their friends, once in awhile. You cannot be together 24/7....people need quality time alone, or with their friends.

One more thing, girls at work and I have disgusted this...men seem to cut off ties with childhood best friends....or college friends for their family....NEVER EVER DO THAT. The gals I work with encourage their husbands to go away with their friends...and they do to. They take girl weekends and go to the shore, go out to dinner, rent a movie, take a walk on the beach, nothing more. They come back refreshed and rejuvinated.
The hubby takes care of the kids that weekend, and then he gets a free weekend to. They do this a few times a year...make certain you find a gal who encourages that, and not tries to make you feel guilty for going or won't go herself.

Hugs
Creme
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Old 03-24-2009, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Houston
876 posts, read 903,929 times
Reputation: 1157
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Why do you think, so many women who have lost their husbands to a death, never remarry?

take your time and enjoy life, if you don't, you might accept less then you deserve out of despiration. There is nothing wrong with being single and unmarried. Society makes us think that we are not successful unless we are married...bull pucky...I've been single for oh, almost 15 years now, and never been happier in my life. Relationships are very hard, demanding, unless you are lucky enough to choose, and you do choose, your most accomodating mate. your mate should enhance your life, certainly not make you sad. Your mate, as well as you should encourage each other to be successful, even if one must be left behind so to speak at times...most mates are intimidated and fear their mates going ahead to successl. And most of all, you want to make certain, your not going to marry a woman who is going to rob you of everything, your identity, your bank savings...etc. You want to make certain she has goals and isn't co-dependent on your for happiness...no one is going to make you happy but you. It is not someone else's job to do so.

The best way, and I wish I had known this when I was young, to choose a mate, is self exploration...learn who you are, realize you are your own best friend...and enjoy the company you keep in you. If you realize your own personal needs, you will realize and be less inclined to compromise your identity.

I always fear when people say, "I don't want to be alone", let me tell you buddy, you can be with someone and feel the epidomy of lonliness. Lonliness like you've never known before.

My son married a beautiful woman, quickly, b/c he feared he was getting older and wouldn't find anyone, so he settled. Well, he works 3 jobs enables her to run up all kinds of bills, for cloths, makeup, jewelry, etc...for her and her child. She refuses to work, she doesn't do anything to help him...he cleans, grocery shops, does laundry...she keeps him so busy, he has no time for himself. And he THINKS he is being a good husband and provider, yet, he does NOTHING for himself...no hobbies...nothing???? It's his fault as well as hers, but my point is, sometimes when men marry women like this, they make excuses for them, enable them, and fear leaving them. Whatever...just make certain, very certain, you watch for signs and don't ignore them. If the girl had a really bad childhood growing up and is angry, distant from her family, talks about them...is she emotionally high maintenance? And beware, some people are very good actresses....very good...manipulative, b/c they are looking to be taken care of.

I've known people who have had very successful marriages...but those people are all I've described. They are not afraid to encourage their mates to take weekend getaways with their friends, once in awhile. You cannot be together 24/7....people need quality time alone, or with their friends.

One more thing, girls at work and I have disgusted this...men seem to cut off ties with childhood best friends....or college friends for their family....NEVER EVER DO THAT. The gals I work with encourage their husbands to go away with their friends...and they do to. They take girl weekends and go to the shore, go out to dinner, rent a movie, take a walk on the beach, nothing more. They come back refreshed and rejuvinated.
The hubby takes care of the kids that weekend, and then he gets a free weekend to. They do this a few times a year...make certain you find a gal who encourages that, and not tries to make you feel guilty for going or won't go herself.

Hugs
Creme
It's amazing how one post from someone i've never met has more of an affect than months of therapy. Seriously Creme, your post makes alot of sense, not sure if its because you've been there but your words are encouraging.
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Old 03-24-2009, 02:26 PM
 
Location: in my imagination
10,124 posts, read 13,006,868 times
Reputation: 7086
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes View Post
My brother is like this too - only he's 40 and never married and no children.
same here,guilty as charged.Although refer to the FWB thread.And all I can say is life is pretty damned good overall.
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Old 03-24-2009, 02:48 PM
Status: "AMG ... OMG!!!" (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,211 posts, read 24,899,124 times
Reputation: 12335
Quote:
Originally Posted by moddestmike View Post
I'm not sure how many women are ok with not having kids. Its a safe bet that fewer aren't ok with it than are and this is the dilemma. When I explain how I feel, its an instant conversation killer when they are the ones that often bring the question up. I'm just not sure how to approach things If I go forth with getting "snipped".

..........Never thought I'd be to this point where I'm asking for guidance on an internet forum.
Dude - this is what life has boiled down to for you!
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Old 03-24-2009, 03:07 PM
 
2,549 posts, read 1,461,681 times
Reputation: 891
Default You must live your own life.

Some great responses here. Yes. Live your life for yourself. Don't be pressured by your parents, friends, future partners. They cannot live your life for you. It must be right for you. Do not have children to appease her. If you chose a childless life, that's fine. A huge family? Fine too. But you choose because you want to. As far as being alone...In the end, only you, and you alone, will pass through the portal to the next dimension, wherever that is...
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