A fear of mine. (wife, marriage, women, love)

[moddestmike]

First off, I'm a 25 year old single male. Professional IT consultant within the Oil and Gas industry. I have yet to experience any downturns related to the economy.

That being said, I've always had a serious phobia of having kids/a family and not being able to provide for them. With the current state of affairs in the US, I see this on a common basis and do not want to become a statistic. My fear of this has gotten so bad to the point that I consult with a close family member who is a therapist. We were discussing alternatives to try and curtail this very aggressive and consuming fear of mines. The only realistic and somewhat easing solution was vasectomy, non-invasive.

Last few years, this fear has perpetuated to the point that I have totally discouraged relationships and any sexual encounters with women I date. I feel awful because I'm being viewed as snobbish or "too good", or the female takes it as a rejection when the truth is I'm to the point where I'm terrified of making a mistake (Yes, at this point sex in a way scares the hell out of me). I try to explain this to females but for some reason they have a hard time understanding. I thought it would be the other way around but its not.

Anyone else, male or female been through this? I should not be worried considering my average income is more than most households with 2 incomes and I have very little debt. i just can't shake the fact of one day not being able to feed my child or provide him with the very best opportunities in life.

[Twinkle Toes]

My brother is like this too - only he's 40 and never married and no children.

[moddestmike]

I DO NOT want to be like him!!!!! I mean, I don't sleep around. I've only been with one person but I def do not want to be 40 and alone.

[Twinkle Toes]

Oh, he's not alone - he just got a German Shepherd puppy.

[Mr Floyd]

moddestmike originally said:

I DO NOT want to be like him!!!!! I mean, I don't sleep around. I've only been with one person but I def do not want to be 40 and alone. [End Quote]

Lighten up man. Go have some fun. Just cover up. Don't be in too much of hurry to start a family because it is only then that the true meaning of hard work is realized. Ever ask older married couples if they are happy? Want to know why so many of these "veterans" might say "Do yourself a favor. Don't get married"? Perhaps that's because it's ****ing hard work and men are from Mars and women from...

Do you believe that the divorce rate is high because we've made it so easy to divorce? Well maybe it's because it's ****ing hard to stay married. Remember. Life is tough. Maybe Twinkle Toe's brother "40 and never married" is the smart one. I'm just saying...

[moddestmike]

I hear you, its just that you get all kinds out pressure from outside. All of my friends have kids or are married and about to have kids. My closest brother has a little boy and he and he fiance are going through it and this also kid of discourages me. Not to mention I have to hear my parents ask me everyday when I'm going to settle down.

[Twinkle Toes]

You have to do what is best for you. If you aren't ready to settle down, or haven't found the love of our life whom you want to spend the rest of your life with and raise children with - then don't. These other people aren't living your life. You are living your life. So what if they ask when you are going to settle down. Let them ask! Just tell them (a) it's none of your business; or (b) when I'm good and ready. Don't allow anybody to push you into something you aren't ready for!!!

[actonbell]

Originally Posted by moddestmike

First off, I'm a 25 year old single male. Professional IT consultant within the Oil and Gas industry. I have yet to experience any downturns related to the economy.

That being said, I've always had a serious phobia of having kids/a family and not being able to provide for them. With the current state of affairs in the US, I see this on a common basis and do not want to become a statistic. My fear of this has gotten so bad to the point that I consult with a close family member who is a therapist. We were discussing alternatives to try and curtail this very aggressive and consuming fear of mines. The only realistic and somewhat easing solution was vasectomy, non-invasive.

Last few years, this fear has perpetuated to the point that I have totally discouraged relationships and any sexual encounters with women I date. I feel awful because I'm being viewed as snobbish or "too good", or the female takes it as a rejection when the truth is I'm to the point where I'm terrified of making a mistake (Yes, at this point sex in a way scares the hell out of me). I try to explain this to females but for some reason they have a hard time understanding. I thought it would be the other way around but its not.

Anyone else, male or female been through this? I should not be worried considering my average income is more than most households with 2 incomes and I have very little debt. i just can't shake the fact of one day not being able to feed my child or provide him with the very best opportunities in life.

Me thinks, you think to much. My oldest boy is 23 he was born in 1985 and you too were born around the same time so I have a question...would you be here if your parents shared your fear? Banks were closing and the economy was bad.

My husband had a good job and was fired the day my son was born. He was fired because he was going to be with me to enjoy the day of his first born 'birthday' and the boss was a jerk.

A few weeks after his birth I was standing in line at the grocery store to be checked out and I over heard the conversation behind me. (in regards to seeing my baby boy)

"I would love to have a baby, the woman said, but I want to wait until we are financially able to afford a new addition."

I thought to myself that is exactly what we did and if she is waiting on that, she will never experience the joy that I know. To me that is a sad way to live a life.

I dated a man that, well we (I'm divorced now), I could not give him children of his own. We went our separate ways, but have maintained a friendship. He married a woman half his age and she gave to him a son. About 5 years into the marriage they divorced and he now pays child support. He is a database programmer and he makes a hundred tho a year.

If you were to ask him if he had known would he have chosen a different path, he would tell you no. The joy of being with his son is worth every pint of blood...he is 52. In his home he makes sure his son has every advantage the idiot ex wife does not provide.

I don't think financial is your fear. I believe it is an excuse.

I have two boys and neither one of them want or even care to marry or have a child at this time. It is their choice. Selfish as it maybe, that's them. And they will tell you and they don't care.

As I have lived a few years longer than they have I know tastes and interest do change over time. Do not make a decision based on how you feel today only to later in life go, I wished I hadn't done something so permanent as to limit my life's choices.

If a person wants something bad enough, they know, no fear. I don't care who you are or what economic time you live in...people are opening new businesses, they are enjoying their life, they care, but they do not live in fear....they live in hope, that no matter what, they will see themselves through it.

Discover the world through the eyes of a child.

[Connecticut Pam]

You can't and shouldn't spend your life always looking over your shoulder and being afraid of things. I am 61 years old and have been through more "stuff" than I would ever want to wish on any other person and I am still here. No matter how afraid of life you may be...it keeps moving along with or without you. If you decide not to "hop on the train" and experience the joy of life with another human being and perhaps having children some day, you will be left "at the station" alone and lonely because you were afraid to LIVE.

I have been married 3 times. The first time was to a man I barely knew 3 months and I was very young. I got pregnant right away and we moved to Maine after our son was born. We had hard times living up there, but I worked my tail off to be sure my son was fed, clothed, housed and loved. The marriage ended 12 years later so I moved back to CT so my son could have more opportunities with regard to education and I would be able to find a job to support him. I was NOT about to let life fly by me because of one idiot I married. I remarried in 1991 and my second husband died in 1992 from a massive heart attack. He was 42 and so was I. Hurt....that's putting it mildly. After yet another 7 years, I met my husband I am married to now and I couldn't be happier. Just last year, I had open heart surgery due to an aneurysm I wasn't aware that I had...so you see...what I am saying..life is not perfect, never will be and for you to even consider going it alone is sad.

Find yourself a nice "lady" who will work with you and not against you. She should be an equal partner and not a burden and also be willing to pull you up by the boot straps if something goes wrong with your job, you lose your home or perhaps fall ill. You should be willing to do the same.

You are missing out on so much by being so over protective of your life. The sad part of all this is, sometimes no matter how hard you try to control what is going to happen to you things can and will go nuts. Not having control is one of the hardest things to accept...learn that and you will see that you will indeed begin to live.

[Interpol76]

You sound a bit too obsessed with money.