Am I Being Selfish? (wife, marriages, woman, love)

[talk2u]

To Make a Very Long Story Short...

My partner and I have been together for nine years. I would say that we still have more good times than bad but lately I just haven't been feeling it. Three years ago we moved to an area that I totally despise. I knew I was going to hate it but I compromised because I knew this was something she really wanted to do. At the time I was trying to change careers and had a job prospect lined up, but wasn't able to accept it because she was afraid the "job change" would look bad on our mortgage application. I ended up being out of work for several months. There are absolutely no good jobs where we live in my field and burned through most of my savings to pay my bills and fell into a depression. Needless to say our relationship started getting rocky at this point. After coming out of my funk I was able to get my old job back (the one I had prior to trying to do the career change)...thank goodness! However, I now have a 5 hour commute, but am able to work from home one day a week. I leave home at 5AM and don't get home until 7 PM. Meanwhile...she's got a job where she gets up later than me, gets off earlier and has a shorter commute. She works out, goes to the park, runs errands, etc. and I'm resentful because I'm so tired all of the time because of my commute. In addition for the past two years, she's been dealing with a family issue that has also caused a big interference in our relationship.

She tries very hard to make my life a little easier (cooks and does most of the cleaning, pays the mortgage) and is a very good person. We tried to sell a year ago but because of the market we didn't get any offers. She says all the time she regrets having moved and the burden it's put on me and our relationship. I feel bad that I make her feel bad, but sometimes I simply can't help getting a little mad. Am I being selfish or do I have a right to be a little resentful?

[MonaLisaVito]

Have you told her how you felt? This is how marriages breakdown. Lack of communication and not letting the other partner know what is bothering you. If your spouse really loves you, they want to know what is wrong and work on it.

[gizmobizmo]

Originally Posted by talk2u

To Make a Very Long Story Short...

My partner and I have been together for nine years. I would say that we still have more good times than bad but lately I just haven't been feeling it. Three years ago we moved to an area that I totally despise. I knew I was going to hate it but I compromised because I knew this was something she really wanted to do. At the time I was trying to change careers and had a job prospect lined up, but wasn't able to accept it because she was afraid the "job change" would look bad on our mortgage application. I ended up being out of work for several months. There are absolutely no good jobs where we live in my field and burned through most of my savings to pay my bills and fell into a depression. Needless to say our relationship started getting rocky at this point. After coming out of my funk I was able to get my old job back (the one I had prior to trying to do the career change)...thank goodness! However, I now have a 5 hour commute, but am able to work from home one day a week. I leave home at 5AM and don't get home until 7 PM. Meanwhile...she's got a job where she gets up later than me, gets off earlier and has a shorter commute. She works out, goes to the park, runs errands, etc. and I'm resentful because I'm so tired all of the time because of my commute. In addition for the past two years, she's been dealing with a family issue that has also caused a big interference in our relationship.

She tries very hard to make my life a little easier (cooks and does most of the cleaning, pays the mortgage) and is a very good person. We tried to sell a year ago but because of the market we didn't get any offers. She says all the time she regrets having moved and the burden it's put on me and our relationship. I feel bad that I make her feel bad, but sometimes I simply can't help getting a little mad. Am I being selfish or do I have a right to be a little resentful?

I think it is very understandable that you are resentful. Things have worked out well for her but you have been struggling. I think you two should have a heart to heart talk and discuss ways to help you get back on track with your own career so you aren't forced to make a 5 hour commute. Keep in mind that she may very well feel terrible about how the move has impacted your career herself.

With the economy in the tank right now, perhaps it isn't the best time to make another career move or sell your house. Instead, look at coming up with a game plan that will help both of you. Maybe you 2 can hold the line for another year then move somewhere else that has better options for both of you. Having the plan in place may help alleviate some resentment.

[talk2u]

We've talked many times, but now she gets upset and we just end up arguing. I guess outside of me getting a job closer to home, we can't really change the situation so I usually just hold it in. It's just not a good situation and the longer it goes on like this the more distant I will become.

[jenn02674]

Exactly, you guys need to have a calm heart to heart. It seems like she is being more than understanding and stepping up to the plate. It seems like you are frustrated and tired right now and taking it all out on her. It wasn't just her decision. You both made the decision together so you can't totally blame her. Things didn't work out the way she thought they would and she has admitted that.

I also think that the two of you should spend time together doing things that you both like to do. Go have fun together as much as you can. I firmly believe that marriages fail because couples stop enjoying each other. I know you are tired but force yourself to do things together AND do some fun things that you want to do on your own.

I don't think you are necessarily wrong to feel resentful BUT it isn't doing you any good to just stew on it. I think if you start to work on things you will feel much better. You maybe can't do much about the job situation right now but things won't be this bad forever so maybe if you keep in mind that it is a temporary situation and work on your relationship with your wife, it will help get you through the bad times. Is it possible for you to stay in a hotel room occasionally on days that you are extremely tired?

[talk2u]

You all have given wonderful advice and I'm starting to feel better already! Thank You

[PA2UK]

I wouldn't say you have the "right" to be resentful as I don't think resentment is something that is productive or healthy. But I do think it's understandable why you're resentful.

Can you look into moving someplace that is more midway between your jobs so you both have an more equal commute? I know that will mean her commute will become brutal as well since it will be 2-3 hours for her to commute if you find a midway point but at least your commute will be cut down and you won't feel as resentful with her in the same boat.

The other option of course is to move out and live seperately until you can find a job closer to her.

No solution will be ideal but you have to weigh them against the current situation.

[BLAZER PROPHET]

No disrespect intended, but you need a serious attitude adjustment.

Relationships are a matter of compromise. Sometimes more so than other times. You're building up resentment and that can turn to out and out bitterness.

I say count your blessings and love your woman.

[Connecticut Pam]

There doesn't sound to me like there was much communication going on between the two of you when you attempted to make the job change. If my intuition is serving me well, there may have even been a little whining on your partner's part about not wanting to uproot, not wanting to give up her job, etc. etc. She has been able to not make any pertinent changes to her "schedule" or her lifestyle while it seems to me that your apple cart has been upset more than once. You didn't go into any detail about what her family issue is that is also causing you grief, but again, it is about her.

I strongly suggest the two of you sit down and talk about your having to travel 5 hours a day (ridiculous) and all the rest of the tangled web you are finding yourself in. Any relationship will slowly burn out and die if there is not compromise and communication.

I am also not surprised that you can't sell your home. The economy right now stinks and lots of people are having issues with selling and of course buying homes. I just had a conversation today with the hubs who tells me that oil is going to go up again which of course means that gas is going to take another hike soon...your travel time will then become more crucial than ever.

Good luck with this one....you do have to insist on her sitting down with you and then you have to lay all cards on the table. She can no longer skip blithley through life with her neat little schedule and watch you beat yourself up with yours.

[steelstress]

5 hour commute? Hell no, I wouldn't do that. Either get a new job, or move closer to the one you have, and rent out your house for now. I'd be resentful, too.