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Old 04-02-2009, 11:17 PM
 
Location: 4th Largest City in the U.S.
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I've heard it said that abusive men tend to be very charming at first to a woman, very kind but I really don't know how to spot these men. Do they take on any kind of woman or do they mostly target women with low self-esteem. A friend of my mom's was involved in an abusive relationship with a man & she appeared very confident, self-assured woman. They are no longer together but my mother always wondered how she ended up with that man? What are your thoughts?

Last edited by Chanteuse d' Opéra; 04-02-2009 at 11:30 PM..
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:43 PM
 
Location: Glendale
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From the get go you can't identify them. They are wonderful at first....maybe here and there there will be an outburst....but it's usually blown over as being caught off guard....something along those lines. Time, and nothing else, allows you to see who a person is.
What the problem is...these types of people suck you in...and after, for example, they throw you across the room cause you looked at him crooked, will be so apologetic, buy you things, say anything to get you to forgive them....you can't resist..."he was so cute and he bought me this and he said he was sorry"... etc....
"I don't know what got into me,...I had a bad day at work" ad naseum....
I have found...that once the lion is loose it's about 1-2 weeks of being nice....then *BOOM*
SO many of the people I know who were/are in abusive relationships ARE smart, sophisticated and intelligent people....and it's kept a secret because you don't want anyone to know....its shame on the abusees part...
Later on their outbursts will become your fault....and you'll begin to believe it....hence being beaten down and your self esteem following suit....

I apply this to male and female both....
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:44 PM
 
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^ Why are outbursts so bad??? Some people can drive you up a wall with many intentional little annoyances and an outburst will help them learn not to do a lot of irritating things.

Ever read up on passive aggressive people. They are taunting and provoking the rage but then take no blame or accountability when the relationship becomes dysfunctional or painful.
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:47 PM
 
Location: Glendale
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they are bad if you beat someone because of them
Count to 10 and walk away...sheesh....wwjd?
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:48 PM
 
Location: Ft Lauderdale, FL
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Yes, many have awesome personalities (makes you laugh, one you bring home to mom, confident, kind, ect) which is why I think women get so easily tricked. They fall in love with a completely different man first and then the anger management problems come out later. I think the trick is to watch out for any obsessive qualities in the beginning and ask them questions about their past relationships. Don't be bashful. Also, with the internet available, background checks are great
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
^ Why are outbursts so bad??? Some people can drive you up a wall with many intentional little annoyances and an outburst will help them learn not to do a lot of irritating things.

Ever read up on passive aggressive people. They are taunting and provoking the rage but then take no blame or accountability when the relationship becomes dysfunctional or painful.
Well, outbursts are bad because they make others feel really bad. Thats why instead of an outburst, its best to talk things over rationally without hurting anyones feelings in the process. Not only do you make them feel bad when you have a sudden outburst, but people catch on quick that you are mean and not good to have around.
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:53 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I spotted one right from the start of the relationship when my daughter came over with her new boyfriend. He seemed very nice but when she wanted to go find some tweezers before they left, he insisted she didn't need any. When she persisted, he gave her a look like, "You heard me". I knew right then he was controlling. I was really confused and shocked when she ended up in such a relationship because she is a strong, seemingly self-assured, confident woman but there's a quality about people that tells the abusers they can get away with it. It starts with them getting away with the first offense. That gives the abuser the confidence to try it again, and again.

Me, on the other hand, I've always been very reserved, introverted with kind of a low self esteem but the moment a guy tried that controlling stuff on me, he was out on his a** and he knew it. I wish I knew exactly what it is but like you said, how do these seemingly strong women end up with them? It's strange.
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:53 PM
 
25,165 posts, read 45,296,196 times
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And a sly sneaky sarcastic passive aggressive person is????

I'm sorry but there is a reason for the outburst.

Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001 View Post
Well, outbursts are bad because they make others feel really bad. Thats why instead of an outburst, its best to talk things over rationally without hurting anyones feelings in the process. Not only do you make them feel bad when you have a sudden outburst, but people catch on quick that you are mean and not good to have around.
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
And a sly sneaky sarcastic passive aggressive person is????

I'm sorry but there is a reason for the outburst.
If you totally hate their guts , then outbursts are permissible. An a** whopping too. But I meant an outburst within a couples relationship.
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:57 PM
 
Location: Glendale
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artsy, if you ask the same thing again I will show you why outbursts are bad

Seriously, by outburst I mean, punching a wall, throwing something, yelling....I should have been more clear...my bad...*forgive me*
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