"having" to invite people to social functions (wife, married, women)

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

As I'm getting older, I'm realizing more and more that there are certain people in life whom you once think of as friends, but as time passes, you realize that they and you were never really close to begin with, or people change and you realize that they and you aren't compatible, and there really isn't depth to your friendship.

Add to this the fact that I've become someone with no tolerance for BS and that I am not afraid to "cut people off," sometimes less than smoothly if necessary.

For you... for important social functions, such as, say, your engagement or wedding. Did you invite one-time friends you drifted apart from? I don't mean people whom you have not seen in a while but you still are friendly with. I mean people you were closer to, but you realize you don't like them as much as you once did, and you just don't miss them at all? You don't need and don't care for their friendship? Do you include them just out of protocol?

[MMichelle]

I've done it both ways. It's important to do what "feels" right. It depends on the type of occasion. If it's casual I tend to invite "everyone" (almost). but for something important - a life event type thing, I'd be very selective.

[natalayjones]

Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner

As I'm getting older, I'm realizing more and more that there are certain people in life whom you once think of as friends, but as time passes, you realize that they and you were never really close to begin with, or people change and you realize that they and you aren't compatible, and there really isn't depth to your friendship.

Add to this the fact that I've become someone with no tolerance for BS and that I am not afraid to "cut people off," sometimes less than smoothly if necessary.

For you... for important social functions, such as, say, your engagement or wedding. Did you invite one-time friends you drifted apart from? I don't mean people whom you have not seen in a while but you still are friendly with. I mean people you were closer to, but you realize you don't like them as much as you once did, and you just don't miss them at all? You don't need and don't care for their friendship? Do you include them just out of protocol?

It depends. If it's casual and you think they would be in place at your function or that there's a chance that you might rekindle your friendship I say go for it. There was a girl I was friendly with all through college because we were often the only black girls in the class so we'd study together and help each other with assignments. I invited her to my graduation party and she was so out of place among my other friends and family members that I felt uncomfortable for her and barely enjoyed myself cause I was trying to find someone for her to mingle with.

I think if it's a special occasion though like an engagement party, it would be okay to invite those you feel the closest to. I would feel awkward if someone invited me to one and I hadn't talked to them in awhile and didn't know their fiance.

[Timm]

Life's too short to spend with people you don't really want to. I don't socialize with people I don't want to. I decline invitations that don't interest me, and don't invite people I don't wanna see. I swear to you it makes life a lot easier.

There will be seven people invited to my wedding.

[sirron]

If you think that not inviting these people will cause you grief, the only diplomatic solution I see is to make sure you also invite folks of similar background/interest/job status. Hopefully, they will converse with each other throughout the party and have a memorable time. This way, you're not the bad guy for leaving them out, and maybe they will make new friends and not notice you no longer call on them.

[PassTheChocolate]

I think I would have, in the past. But not now. Excess anything is daunting.

[Jammie]

Originally Posted by Timm

Life's too short to spend with people you don't really want to. I don't socialize with people I don't want to. I decline invitations that don't interest me, and don't invite people I don't wanna see. I swear to you it makes life a lot easier.

There will be seven people invited to my wedding.

Yup, What Timm said.

Sprawling, the very first sentence of your post is what really caught my attention. I've recently been struggling with a similar situation so I understand what you're saying. It sounds like you've come to the realization that you may be happier without the people/person that you don't feel compatible with. You don't OWE them an invitation and it sounds like you'd be much happier without their presence.

I don't believe that you should feel obligated to invite them nor do I feel that you should go out of your way to be sure to invite people that THEY are compatible with.

Life is short. Enjoy it and stick with people you enjoy being with. You know~the ones who let you be YOU and let you feel good after you've been with them.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Thanks to all who replied. A bit more detail may help clarify the issue.

"Bobby" (whom I've written about here in the past) is somebody I met in college. For a while back then we were good friends, along with a few other guys. We had our own interests and other friends, but we were on good terms until our senior year of school. That final year, I decided not to live in a multi-room suite with him or other guys and went to a regular room.

By senior year we were already drifting apart a bit.

I graduated first, and then, we were separated by distance. We did try to keep in touch, and to his credit, he'd make long-distance calls. THen he got married quite early.

I moved back to town in my later 20s and got reunited with him (and with another college friend, Stuart). At first it seemed like old times. But even before I'd moved back to town, I had begun to notice that I was not alone in feeling that there wasn't much depth to my friendship with Bobby. Stuart (who is now my closest friend and has been so for a number of years) told me in our occasional phone calls during my time way that Bobby would call on occasion, and yet, Stuart just felt "there isn't much to talk about with Bobby."

Eventually, Stuart in his quiet manner just stopped all contact with Bobby and sees him at the most once a year. Stuart told me he no longer considers Bobby a friend, and rather, just an acquaintance with whom Stuart shares a past.

Through Bobby, I was reunited with "John," who also went to school with us. I moved to a town near John's about 1 1/2 year ago and we became good friends. John isn't perfect, but I can actually bond and communicate with John as I can with Stuart and in the way that I just can't with Bobby.

The more I hung out with John the less I felt like hanging out with Bobby. I then learned from John that Bobby had been guilty of some social gaffes with John as he had been with me for years (chronic lateness to get-togethers, taking days at a time to return phone calls, etc).

There were a few social gaffes in 2008 that pushed me over the edge once and for all not to ever call Bobby again. John (and Stuart, I might add) knows about them, as he witnessed them, and doesn't blame me for being upset. But John thinks I'm being too harsh for "cutting off" Bobby.

John also feels dealing with Bobby can be extremely frustrating. But he does so nonetheless. Nearly 1 month ago, John had a party at his home, and many people came; Bobby and his wife and kids were there. It was the first time I was having any contact with Bobby since autumn of 2008, and yet again, Bobby said something that irked me. As I was at somebody's home as a guest and as there were women and children present, I had to hold it in; had we been at a bar with the "boys" only, I would've snapped.

John and his wife told me that they don't blame me for wishing not to deal with Bobby; they themselves at times have felt the same. But one factor that stops them from "cutting" Bobby off altogether is that they have a friendly and stress-free relationship with Bobby's wife, Jane. Jane is quiet and well-behaved and she's never done any of the mistakes Bobby has become infamous for. She's also very polite and indeed, a lovely person. Jane likes me and was grateful to me in the past for gifts I gave to Bobby's and Jane's young children when they were born (of course, at a time Bobby and I were closer).

So if I got married and didn't invite Bobby, then by default Jane wouldn't come either. I'd feel bad about THAT - keeping Jane out - but I wouldn't feel an iota of regret about excluding Bobby.

I'm not trying to make it sound as if Bobby is a monster; he is not a bad person. He did do kind gestures to me in the past, such as inviting me (and Stuart and John and others too) to his house for dinner. But again, this was at a time we were closer, and I don't believe (not anymore, anyway) that I am obligated to keep him as a friend, to share more personal events and news of my life with him, or to invite him to an important social function, just because he invited me to dinner in 2002, 2004, etc.

Does this make sense guys? What do you say?

[DFWgal]

Originally Posted by Timm

Life's too short to spend with people you don't really want to. I don't socialize with people I don't want to. I decline invitations that don't interest me, and don't invite people I don't wanna see. I swear to you it makes life a lot easier.

There will be seven people invited to my wedding.

I agree with Timm and Jammie. My wedding was also very simple.

[Jammie]

Sprawling, yes~it makes perfect sense. Just because you had a past relationship, doesn't mean it has to continue through life. It doesn't sound like you are comfy with him or even enjoy the hassles that having a relationship with him brings. Everyone has moments where they're a bit inconsiderate or a situation where they can't immediately return a phone call, but it sounds like it's part of Bobby's character and that it's happened on a regular basis and you're tired of it. It actually sounds like Stuart and John aren't that thrilled with him either.

Their decision to include them in THEIR lives should not make YOU feel forced to include him. They may eventually tire of him, too.

Had I read your story a few years ago, I'd have felt you should just overlook everything even if it makes you miserable and giving you a "trapped" feeling. I'd have felt you should just ignore his lack of being considerate and concentrate on his good qualities.

But ya know~life is very short. There are things/people that we HAVE to tolerate such as a boss, nasty co-worker, etc. Why force yourself to be miserable in social life? You won't gain anything in the end except an ulcer by walking around upset because you're trying to be a people pleaser. I doubt that John or Stuart will abandon their friendship with you just because you don't include Bobby. Give yourself a break and you'll be surprised at how free you will feel.