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You say she can't judge Bones because she doesn't know the "whole story." So then, what business is it of yours to judge her?
I'm not. I'm commenting on her language in THIS thread, HERE and NOW. Not her personally (I said I liked her, in fact).
Which is all anyone else should be doing - not dragging people's personal histories into the fray because they have no real way of making a point in the present.
Again you fail to acknowledge the countless times I have said it was wrong. I made a bad decision. So how about hating to see Ivory griefing the mess out of every thread I start?
That has nothing to do with it... would you feel better if I acknowledged it now? I know you said you were wrong.
In this thread only, not commenting on any others, Ivory seemed to have the best of intentions. You asked whether or not the new-ish relationship could work, she merely suggested - as many others have - that you get your head straight first, and she added a positive suggestion to do so (change counselors). Did that side-topic go on for too long? Probably. But it seems to be that it was only because a number of other posters jumped down her throat, and she felt she had to defend herself.
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Originally Posted by Boneheaded
Sounds like a great topic for a thread... just not even close to contributing on whether relationships that begin as affairs working or not working.
I agree it was a digression. I wouldn't have felt the need to put my two cents in if it weren't for the bashing. The mature thing to have done (not you necessarily, but the folks doing the bashing) would have been to say what you just said - that it was off-topic, and not respond themselves. Instead, they took it as an opportunity to publicly flog her.
[/quote]Nah the reason to bash is the constant attacks I have received from Ivory. If you will notice there are several people who were tired of it. Only you have made it a point to defend her position.
But hey we are all entitled to our opinions right.[/quote]
Indeed. My only suggestion is for people to stay in the here and now, and take each post on its own, without expecting the worst every time just because someone rubbed someone else the wrong way in some other thread.
In this thread only, not commenting on any others, Ivory seemed to have the best of intentions. You asked whether or not the new-ish relationship could work, she merely suggested - as many others have - that you get your head straight first, and she added a positive suggestion to do so (change counselors). Did that side-topic go on for too long? Probably. But it seems to be that it was only because a number of other posters jumped down her throat, and she felt she had to defend herself.
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I just want to say thanks. I'm not sure why I'm hated. Apparently, being the wife who was cheated on is something evil. We make our husband's cheat you know. I've even been told here that I lourde it over him and use it to get what I want. I have to laugh about the accusation that I don't know boneheaded when he has no idea how I talk to my husband yet he'll tell me that I use his affair to hold over his head to get my way. What was that post??? "Honey, you had an affair...get me a glass of water". I didn't do anything to deserve that. I'm going to guess it makes him feel better to put down and poke fun at people in his wife's position. Probably makes all of this easier if we're inhuman and deserve to be cheated on. Truth is, no one deserves this. If it's that bad, have the character to properly end one relationship before you start another first.
Yes, all I did was make a suggestion that he find another counselor and I've stated my reasons why. Being in counseling and making bad decisions because the counseling has made you feel better doesn't seem like counseling that's working to me.
Regardless, if he doesn't figure out why he makes bad decisions, why, when push came to shove, he didn't choose the right thing, why chose to cheat and lie instead and why his marriage is falling apart, he'll just repeat the whole cycle in his next relationship. Sounds like he's well on his way with him describing his, what do you call an affair partner?, as immature. Apparently, mature enough to have an affair with and destroy two marriages and putting kids through hell with but not mature enough to have an actual relationship with. Again, a poor decision after how many years of counseling?
Sorry but I see a string of bad decisions here in spite of "good" counseling??? Doesn't sound like the counseling has worked well. My recommendation is still try something new. Start with a new counselor.
My fear is his mistress' pleading to get back with him is a cover up for guilt. If their relationship were to work and they were to be happy, then she can justify all the pain she's helped cause. If it ends, then nothing good came out of the affair only bad. I fear she's desperate to get back with him not because that's what she wants but because she needs for there to be a reason for the pain they've caused others. I'm going to change that to both of them should go into counseling with a relationship counselor and figure out just what their relationship was/is. I'd recommend they both spend a year or so alone first though. When you jump from one relationship to another too fast, you just make the same mistakes again.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 04-08-2009 at 06:38 PM..
I'm not. I'm commenting on her language in THIS thread, HERE and NOW. Not her personally (I said I liked her, in fact).
Which is all anyone else should be doing - not dragging people's personal histories into the fray because they have no real way of making a point in the present.
Believe it or not, no one here actually dislikes Ivory, we mostly just feel sorry for her because she's so stuck. What we dislike is her insistence that her absolutist, black and white attitudes on the subject of cheating are "right" and any other opinion other than hers on the subject is "wrong". Most of us are able to understand the reality of the existence of gray areas in life - she can't. It just gets very old trying to talk to a brick wall who would rather be right than happy. Playing the "victim" wife must just be too much fun I guess
Believe it or not, no one here actually dislikes Ivory, we mostly just feel sorry for her because she's so stuck. What we dislike is her insistence that her absolutist, black and white attitudes on the subject of cheating are "right" and any other opinion other than hers on the subject is "wrong". Most of us are able to understand the reality of the existence of gray areas in life - she can't. It just gets very old trying to talk to a brick wall who would rather be right than happy. Playing the "victim" wife must just be too much fun I guess
As well, you are entitled to disagree. You are not, however, entitled to make personal attacks.
I am entitled to my opinion. If I had something nice to say about her, I would. A poor opinion is an opinion nonetheless. And I didn't form it without her participation.
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Admittedly, I don't know anything about the history of these 2 posters beyond a few threads.
I really think you should read more, you might see things a little differently.
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But as a general rule, I don't judge others by hearsay. I like both you and Ivory based on my experience so far. I don't think it's right for anyone to try to convince me otherwise.
I appreciate that, really. But, I'm not trying to convince you of anything. I was responding to your post quoting me. I feel what I feel based on MY experience. Clearly, it is not the same as yours.
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You say she can't judge Bones because she doesn't know the "whole story." So then, what business is it of yours to judge her?
I am not judging her based on her story. I am judging her based on her behavior; her blatant lack of regard and respect for people here. I don't need to know her or the ins and outs of her situation to conclude what I have about the human being behind her keyboard.
Not only does she not know the whole story, she distorts the facts and creates new ones in her head to compare to her own situation. So no, that is not a reasonable, rational basis to judge anyone. It is warped, at best. If she doesn't want comments on her business, maybe she should put it aside when shoves her infinite wisdom down everyone's throats.
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Every opinion has value, precisely because everyone's life experience is different. She is biased, I am biased, you are biased, the OP is biased... all in different ways.
Different is fine. Biased is fine, and expected. Destructive and abusive are not.
Her opinions, which are usually assertions, dripping with disdain and soaked in self-righteous indignation, are THE most ignorant, offensive and baseless I have seen on here. Nothingshe says has any value, to me. If she told me the grass was green, I'd question what I have known all my life to be true.
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FYI - Since such things matter to you, the only time I was ever cheated on, I only found out after I had broken up with him for other reasons anyway. I just hate to see anyone causing pain unnecessarily to anyone else. And if they must: not taking responsibility for it and truly witnessing the other person's experience.
I'm really sorry about what happened to you. And I agree with you. I abhor that kind of behavior. It applies perfectly to Ivory.
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I just wanted to make sure that anyone reading knew that it was perfectly okay to, as Ivory put it, seek a second, or even third opinion.
As Ivory put it was not in the best interest of the OP. She was looking down her nose at him, as she has from the very beginning.
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We also don't know that it doesn't apply.
We don't know that it does or doesn't apply. So, that's the cue to treat it like it does?
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But that's no reason to bash the person who suggested it.
Believe it or not, no one here actually dislikes Ivory, we mostly just feel sorry for her because she's so stuck. What we dislike is her insistence that her absolutist, black and white attitudes on the subject of cheating are "right" and any other opinion other than hers on the subject is "wrong". Most of us are able to understand the reality of the existence of gray areas in life - she can't. It just gets very old trying to talk to a brick wall who would rather be right than happy. Playing the "victim" wife must just be too much fun I guess
Just CUT it OUT. Is that so hard?
Seems like YOU have more of an investment in the subject than she does.
If you do, in fact, feel sorry for her, the bashing is even more deplorable. Do you spit on homeless people, too?
Be the bigger person, if that's how you feel. That goes for everyone.
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