sad about divorce (dating, boyfriend, how to, marriage)

[msboom]

I was thinking tonight Im sad about getting a divorce. I feel like between my H and my ex boyfriend, Ive wasted a lot of time on men who never loved me. My H drinks and gambles but we do not have a lot of money so it is not realistic for him to move out now. He is on good behavior, he does this after I yell. He does know Im right about his spending habits (Not gambling in this latest incident, just poor money management at a time when we cannot afford it.) He says I put him down, that he's not a drunk or a gambler or a bad person etc. and so he's not wanting to fight for me, he'll do whatever I want divorce or not divorce. We never have sex so Id imagine that will change when he meets someone else, though it's hard for me to imagine him or me doing that, neither one of us is the "unfaithful" type. When Im sad, I forget the bad times (I think, oh it's not so bad whatever he did.) and I wonder why I wanted a divorce. And I feel sad that I always chose men who never chased after me, men I feel never really loved me. Any thoughts on emotions you go through, or book recomendations for divorcing people?

[Morphous01]

Originally Posted by msboom

And I feel sad that I always chose men who never chased after me, men I feel never really loved me.

Wow, word to the wise.... Anyhow, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, however, I'm not qualified to speak on your situation.

[killer2021]

I don't think it necessarily has to do with the fact that they didn't chase you. I know tons of guys who chase girls just because they want to bang her. Chasing means nothing.

I would just get the divorce and move on. Yes, it will be difficult. I would suggest getting a strong support network (friends/family). You'll need people to talk to.

Hopefully the divorce will go okay. You'll be really hating life if there is any fight over division of assets.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by msboom

I was thinking tonight Im sad about getting a divorce. I feel like between my H and my ex boyfriend, Ive wasted a lot of time on men who never loved me. My H drinks and gambles but we do not have a lot of money so it is not realistic for him to move out now. He is on good behavior, he does this after I yell. He does know Im right about his spending habits (Not gambling in this latest incident, just poor money management at a time when we cannot afford it.) He says I put him down, that he's not a drunk or a gambler or a bad person etc. and so he's not wanting to fight for me, he'll do whatever I want divorce or not divorce. We never have sex so Id imagine that will change when he meets someone else, though it's hard for me to imagine him or me doing that, neither one of us is the "unfaithful" type. When Im sad, I forget the bad times (I think, oh it's not so bad whatever he did.) and I wonder why I wanted a divorce. And I feel sad that I always chose men who never chased after me, men I feel never really loved me. Any thoughts on emotions you go through, or book recomendations for divorcing people?

Do some real soul searching with the help of a therapist for a while to figure out why you don't believe you deserve to be happy or well loved. If you really did believe it, you wouldn't have picked the guys you've picked to be with. You can't go back and change what's done - but what you can do it move forward and take steps to make sure you're never in this position again. Besf of luck to you!

Consider picking up a copy of M. Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled" - you need some self-discovery

[yankeegirl313]

Yes. You stand strong as to why the reasons you are divorcing him.
We all have "those times" that can hold us back, but if you are true to your statements, then, think of nothing else but the sadness, misery, heartache. heartbreak, depression, that your marriage is putting you through, and continue. Sorry to say....this is where the heartache may come in........stand strong, and get yourself out of it!

[Morphous01]

Originally Posted by killer2021

I don't think it necessarily has to do with the fact that they didn't chase you. I know tons of guys who chase girls just because they want to bang her. Chasing means nothing.

Well........ I'm sort of with you... More or less it goes by how the guy chased the girl; there is a difference.

The guy who wants sex only will chase a female from a selfish perspective and if the female is clever she can pick up on what he really wants.


However, the guy who wants sex and a relationship will go about the pursuit where he will be excited to just spend time with her, excited just to talk to her or to simply hold her hand. A guy like this is just happy to be around the female that captures his attention and he places little demand on her.

[msboom]

It's a game, the chasing. He wanted me for sex (was attracted to me is a better way to put it, even though he likes tall women and I am barely 5'1") and I tend to hold out so the challenge was probably part of it for him. (He thinks he's great looking and no women can resist!) But , more important, I was a self-supporting young woman when we met at 24 (had been on my own since about 20) and he was still living with his parents at 27. He liked that I had a good job and was smart with money, too. Practical reasons were part of us getting together , not just he had to have me. He saw I was a good person and handled money well and not an "easy" type. But he also knew he pretty much had me. We married becasue I said it was time after nearly 4 years of dating and I gave him an ultimatum. I thought that you either marry or get on with your life. He didn't want to lose me so we married.

[killer2021]

Originally Posted by msboom

It's a game, the chasing. He wanted me for sex (was attracted to me is a better way to put it, even though he likes tall women and I am barely 5'1") and I tend to hold out so the challenge was probably part of it for him. (He thinks he's great looking and no women can resist!) But , more important, I was a self-supporting young woman when we met at 24 (had been on my own since about 20) and he was still living with his parents at 27. He liked that I had a good job and was smart with money, too. Practical reasons were part of us getting together , not just he had to have me. He saw I was a good person and handled money well and not an "easy" type. But he also knew he pretty much had me. We married becasue I said it was time after nearly 4 years of dating and I gave him an ultimatum. I thought that you either marry or get on with your life. He didn't want to lose me so we married.

Pretty interesting story, thanks for sharing. I made a post about marriage being overrated a couple days ago. One of the things I highlighted was that there are absolutely no guarantees to marriage. Also it looks like your little plan backfired. "You either marry or get on with your life." You married and you are now getting on with your life. Many women think that marriage means he will be with you forever, it is far from the truth because getting a divorce is very easy and holds no social stigma since lots of people are divorced. It isn't like the 1900s where getting a divorce was like killing someone.

I would just come to the realization that you made a mistake and now you need to fix the mistake. It won't be easy but you'll grow better as a person afterwards. Also this guy sounds like a deadbeat and you were actually the breadwinner. You might actually be paying HIM alimony or some of your assets.

[temptation001]

Maybe you can google some divorce support groups. Maybe there's some in your area.

[Connecticut Pam]

Originally Posted by msboom

I was thinking tonight Im sad about getting a divorce. I feel like between my H and my ex boyfriend, Ive wasted a lot of time on men who never loved me. My H drinks and gambles but we do not have a lot of money so it is not realistic for him to move out now. He is on good behavior, he does this after I yell. He does know Im right about his spending habits (Not gambling in this latest incident, just poor money management at a time when we cannot afford it.) He says I put him down, that he's not a drunk or a gambler or a bad person etc. and so he's not wanting to fight for me, he'll do whatever I want divorce or not divorce. We never have sex so Id imagine that will change when he meets someone else, though it's hard for me to imagine him or me doing that, neither one of us is the "unfaithful" type. When Im sad, I forget the bad times (I think, oh it's not so bad whatever he did.) and I wonder why I wanted a divorce. And I feel sad that I always chose men who never chased after me, men I feel never really loved me. Any thoughts on
emotions you go through, or book recomendations for divorcing people?

A couple of things you mentioned in your post don't make sense. I am older and have been "around the horn" a few times with bad choices in men, so I'm not talking from a lack of experience. First of all, if you are divorcing your husband...why is he living with you? You say you don't have any money so he can move...WELL...Of course you don't, he DRINKS and GAMBLES! Both of these habits are something YOU cannot change for him. He is running you into the ground and he needs to go home to MOMMY or find his own place. You are in some sort of a big bubble of hope and want this guy to love you and be with you again...not going to happen. He is getting a free ride at your expense while at the same time playing with your emotions. Right now your self esteem is at sub zero and as long as you have him with you, he will continue to get his "free ride" while your feelings get smashed over and over and over. How many times are you going to let him kick you in the arse...probably tell ALL his friends how good he has it and laugh behind your back...NOT happening??? Don't bet on it.

You don't need a book on divorce..that is up to the courts to explain to you. You need a book on how to get back the self esteem your soon to be ex has taken from you and probably every boyfriend you have chosen.

There are nice men out there...trust me and as long as you are babysitting the ex hubby, you won't find any of them. Tell him he needs to MOVE OUT...go live with Mommy or a friend but get out of your life and mean it. Then go do something nice for yourself...a spa visit, out with the girls, go shopping, take a trip...anything that is different from where you are now and what you have been doing.

After my divorce....I came back to CT after having a miserable marriage up in Maine...found all my old high school friends...started going out meeting new people, dated nice men...of course kissed some frogs too. It is all in the mix of trying to find the right person. Good Luck and get tough...this guy is using you big time and it is time to get him out of your life for good.