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Old 02-10-2012, 09:39 PM
 
5 posts, read 6,730 times
Reputation: 13

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I don't know how many times I have read the posts on this forum over the past six months. My marriage of nine years is coming to an end, and I've found a certain amount of solace because of others experiences.

My soon to be ex was raped by her father between the ages of 5 (the earliest she can remember) and 8.

Her father walked out when she was 18 (42 now) when he was caught cheating for the "umpteenth" time. She hasn't seen him since.

She told me early on in our relationship she was molested by her father, and I didn't really know what to say, other than I was sorry. I assumed at this point she would open up to me further when she felt comfortable. That never happened, quite the opposite. According to her, it was up to me to approach her, and tell her I want to talk about it. I told her I want her to talk about it when she feels comfortable. Her response...I am comfortable, you're the one who isn't comfortable. I told her I was not uncomfortable discussing it, I just didn't know how to broach the subject. So I said...lets talk about it now. She responded with anger that she shouldn't have to force me to talk about it.

This cycle continued until we separated. She would, and does, always set things up for failure. If something doesn't fail, she distorts her view so that something/someone/her is a failure. She either becomes despondent, or flys into a rage.

She is incapable of truly caring about anyone but herself.

She believes that she is as normal as anyone else is. The problem is, she's not quite as "normal" as everyone else, and the effort required to maintain her level of "normalcy" precludes her from being able to care about others, and it also creates so much stress, that she is unable to deal with ordinary stressors in everyday life. For those of us who do not have to put that much effort into our lives to be "normal" we handle the everyday "bumps" in the road. She on the other hand comes across these bumps, and is unable to handle them, and consequently flys into a rage.

She refuses to seek help because she feels she is "normal", and that she shouldn't be the one gets help, because she didn't do anything wrong. I can only assume she doesn't want help, because it would force her to look at herself, and admit that her baggage effects others.

She refused marriage counseling, and would admit to no wrong doing. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but she refuses to admit the damage her father has caused to anyone beyond her. She refuses to see how severely our marriage was effected by this, and she refuses to see how her fathers actions (IMO) are largely responsible for the divorce, and that our two children (4 and 9) will never have the chance of having an intact family.

I am so resentful of her and her father. She does not see how she is very much like her father. There was no give and take in the relationship. It was just take, take, take. I had to be emotionally available at all times for her, yet she was never there for me. Obviously that breeds resentment, and resentment leads to me pulling away, which leads to us divorcing.

I grew so tired of having to be the rock. Of being set up to fail. Of being told I didn't want to hear about the abuse. Of dealing with the mood swings, and walking on egg shells never knowing what would precipitate rage. I'm just emotionally beaten down, and now I need to re learn that everyone is not evil as she believes, and that people can be trusted. I now feel scarred as a result of being in a relationship with a victim of sexual abuse.

I don't blame her for the abuse, but I blame her for not recognizing the effects and caring enough to do something about it. Just because she has two bachelors degrees, does not mean she has healed.

The ironic part...her father was a cop, and now that is what she mainly pursues on dating websites.

Like others have posted, if untreated...

Their baggage will become yours

It will blow up in your face

They are a trainwreck

You can't fix them if they don't want help

You will be setup to fail

It is not a true relationship/marriage because they lack the strength to care about others, it's all they can do to take care of themselves

Run away, and never look back.

I will NEVER get involved with another woman who suffered any sexual trauma, or has "daddy issues"

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, particularly survivors who have chosen to deal with the damage. You are incredibly strong, stronger than me. I just can't give anymore. My children deserve my attention, they have sadly received much less than they should have, because she requires so much. She has ruined it for the survivors who can cope and deal, I just hope she hasn't scarred me so badly, that I'm unable to ever trust again.
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:42 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,711 posts, read 11,714,133 times
Reputation: 7604
some man i know described us as 'damaged goods.' That was nice. gn
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:10 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,827 posts, read 7,312,492 times
Reputation: 4949
someone who has their innocence ripped from them by a person they should have been safe with the most, can never be like other people who haven't had that happen. It's a lifelong struggle to just feel a little happiness, to trust and you do set yourself up for failure even though you want nothing more than to succeed and be happy like everyone else.
In my case I have hardly any memories of the abuse but I do have all the symptoms now...I think I'd rather deal with the memories and not have the symptoms maybe... Those abusers took way more than our physical bodies. It's so hard to explain to others who sit dumbfound and really can't comprehend how you can carry that weight with you all your life, no matter how you work on having a normal life with a partner/kids etc..... I do feel like damaged goods. Permanantly damaged. But it's not for anyone to fix. Even the perps can't undo it or fix it.
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:20 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,827 posts, read 7,312,492 times
Reputation: 4949
PFD62, I completely understand where you're coming from and have decided I would not enter another relationship because I realize how impossibly hard living with a person like me is, especially if the other person is also from an abusive situation. You think you can help eachother and you just end up dragging eachother down in turn..I am just not good at relationships and as you say, it's too draining on the other person. Trying to get help is easily said ...many professionals are clueless too and finding that one who understands is like finding a needle in a haystack and it wears you down to have to repeat your lifestory so many times only to meet disbelief..
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:33 PM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieZ View Post
PFD62, I completely understand where you're coming from and have decided I would not enter another relationship because I realize how impossibly hard living with a person like me is, especially if the other person is also from an abusive situation. You think you can help eachother and you just end up dragging eachother down in turn..I am just not good at relationships and as you say, it's too draining on the other person. Trying to get help is easily said ...many professionals are clueless too and finding that one who understands is like finding a needle in a haystack and it wears you down to have to repeat your lifestory so many times only to meet disbelief..
Is that true or what. I was with a sexual abuse victim and am one myself and things got really abusive to the point it was her life or mine. (She threatened to commit suicide if I left, but also tried to kill me several times. Thank God my roommate was around each time to pull her off me.) Luckily we both survived because I left her and she ended up not committing suicide. There were nine million red flags before I made the most stupid decision of my life--marrying her--that I ignored because I was too blinded by love.

Relationships with abuse victims can and never will happen. Too much healing needs to be done. I know now that I cannot be in a relationship. I will inevitably fall into all those patterns of codependency and erratic behavior and so on. I need to work on myself before I can emotionally handle a relationship. It sucks cause I still fall in love with people, but I know I will inevitably screw up it sooner or later because of my trust issues. On top of more recent abuse, I am still trying to heal from all the abuse (sexual and emotional) growing up. It was by men and women so I have a hard time trusting either sex.

That said...survivors can have healthy relationships. People who have healed, who have found their inner strength, can be in healthy relationships. They don't need their partners to always be the rock and don't see their abusers in their partners because they have healed.

OP my advice is this: stay far away from abuse victims. Suggest counseling. But if you fall for someone who is an abuse survivor, by all means, go for it.
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:42 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,827 posts, read 7,312,492 times
Reputation: 4949
It certainly is not a boring ride with us, abuse victims, although that word 'victim' is so negative and labelling and the word 'survivor' I also find negative because it reminds me of what I'm a survivor of maybe. And I do have healthy relationships but when too much intimacy comes into the picture I malfunction and ruin it by becoming distant and I don't trust anyone really. That distrust was proven to be right in my head when the partner cheated or when the person did something else to prove me right...so it's a viscious circle.
but the more I write about it, the more I find sense in how I behave, not that I am right in how I behave but the why is clearer. And writing it here also helps take the shame away a little.
moving back here to Belgium where it all happened, has brought it back to the surface more though and it made me realize why I feel worse here emotionally.
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:46 PM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by PFD62 View Post
I don't know how many times I have read the posts on this forum over the past six months. My marriage of nine years is coming to an end, and I've found a certain amount of solace because of others experiences.

My soon to be ex was raped by her father between the ages of 5 (the earliest she can remember) and 8.

Her father walked out when she was 18 (42 now) when he was caught cheating for the "umpteenth" time. She hasn't seen him since.

She told me early on in our relationship she was molested by her father, and I didn't really know what to say, other than I was sorry. I assumed at this point she would open up to me further when she felt comfortable. That never happened, quite the opposite. According to her, it was up to me to approach her, and tell her I want to talk about it. I told her I want her to talk about it when she feels comfortable. Her response...I am comfortable, you're the one who isn't comfortable. I told her I was not uncomfortable discussing it, I just didn't know how to broach the subject. So I said...lets talk about it now. She responded with anger that she shouldn't have to force me to talk about it.

This cycle continued until we separated. She would, and does, always set things up for failure. If something doesn't fail, she distorts her view so that something/someone/her is a failure. She either becomes despondent, or flys into a rage.

She is incapable of truly caring about anyone but herself.

She believes that she is as normal as anyone else is. The problem is, she's not quite as "normal" as everyone else, and the effort required to maintain her level of "normalcy" precludes her from being able to care about others, and it also creates so much stress, that she is unable to deal with ordinary stressors in everyday life. For those of us who do not have to put that much effort into our lives to be "normal" we handle the everyday "bumps" in the road. She on the other hand comes across these bumps, and is unable to handle them, and consequently flys into a rage.

She refuses to seek help because she feels she is "normal", and that she shouldn't be the one gets help, because she didn't do anything wrong. I can only assume she doesn't want help, because it would force her to look at herself, and admit that her baggage effects others.

She refused marriage counseling, and would admit to no wrong doing. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but she refuses to admit the damage her father has caused to anyone beyond her. She refuses to see how severely our marriage was effected by this, and she refuses to see how her fathers actions (IMO) are largely responsible for the divorce, and that our two children (4 and 9) will never have the chance of having an intact family.

I am so resentful of her and her father. She does not see how she is very much like her father. There was no give and take in the relationship. It was just take, take, take. I had to be emotionally available at all times for her, yet she was never there for me. Obviously that breeds resentment, and resentment leads to me pulling away, which leads to us divorcing.

I grew so tired of having to be the rock. Of being set up to fail. Of being told I didn't want to hear about the abuse. Of dealing with the mood swings, and walking on egg shells never knowing what would precipitate rage. I'm just emotionally beaten down, and now I need to re learn that everyone is not evil as she believes, and that people can be trusted. I now feel scarred as a result of being in a relationship with a victim of sexual abuse.

I don't blame her for the abuse, but I blame her for not recognizing the effects and caring enough to do something about it. Just because she has two bachelors degrees, does not mean she has healed.

The ironic part...her father was a cop, and now that is what she mainly pursues on dating websites.

Like others have posted, if untreated...

Their baggage will become yours

It will blow up in your face

They are a trainwreck

You can't fix them if they don't want help

You will be setup to fail

It is not a true relationship/marriage because they lack the strength to care about others, it's all they can do to take care of themselves

Run away, and never look back.

I will NEVER get involved with another woman who suffered any sexual trauma, or has "daddy issues"

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, particularly survivors who have chosen to deal with the damage. You are incredibly strong, stronger than me. I just can't give anymore. My children deserve my attention, they have sadly received much less than they should have, because she requires so much. She has ruined it for the survivors who can cope and deal, I just hope she hasn't scarred me so badly, that I'm unable to ever trust again.
I think you are spot on about everything here, except one thing--the caring about other people part. Sexual abuse victims are humans and are capable of caring about other people. It's just hard sometimes to know how to show it in a healthy way, and sometimes attempts end up failing miserably and making things worse. But it's not fair to assume that sexual abuse victims don't care about the people they love because they don't show it in a way that makes sense. It's just hard to know how to show you care when your idea of caring is the excuse your abuser used to rape you. It completely pulls the carpet from under your feet. I hope that makes sense.
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:48 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,827 posts, read 7,312,492 times
Reputation: 4949
the above makes perect sense to me, thank you!
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:03 AM
 
5 posts, read 6,730 times
Reputation: 13
@ Nimchimpsky, I'm sorry to you and others who may have taken what I said as a "shot" at you in terms of ability to care. I was speaking specifically to my soon to be ex's inability to care. I know things I've said on here may, and are hurtful to some on here, and I'm truly sorry for that, it is never my intent to hurt anyone. I suppose it's because I'm in the throes of trying to deal with many years of hurt I've experienced as a result of her hurt, and at the same time, try to prevent any further damage our children have suffered.
Maybe someone could give me insight, but it seems as if she harbors more resentment and anger towards me for day to day bumps in the road that everyone experiences, than she does her father who raped her. It seems as if I'm too nice, and she wants to find someone like her father who will treat her poorly, right down to trying to find a man who is cop (like her father was). It just seems too cliche that she would seek out someone like the one who killed her soul.
Any thoughts, comments, etc are appreciated.
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:27 AM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by PFD62 View Post
@ Nimchimpsky, I'm sorry to you and others who may have taken what I said as a "shot" at you in terms of ability to care. I was speaking specifically to my soon to be ex's inability to care. I know things I've said on here may, and are hurtful to some on here, and I'm truly sorry for that, it is never my intent to hurt anyone. I suppose it's because I'm in the throes of trying to deal with many years of hurt I've experienced as a result of her hurt, and at the same time, try to prevent any further damage our children have suffered.
Maybe someone could give me insight, but it seems as if she harbors more resentment and anger towards me for day to day bumps in the road that everyone experiences, than she does her father who raped her. It seems as if I'm too nice, and she wants to find someone like her father who will treat her poorly, right down to trying to find a man who is cop (like her father was). It just seems too cliche that she would seek out someone like the one who killed her soul.
Any thoughts, comments, etc are appreciated.
I’m not taking it personally. I’m saying don’t assume your ex doesn’t care. That is my attempt to offer insight. Maybe she does harbor some resentment—I don’t know—but that doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t care about you either.
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