Dating Someone That Was Sexually Abused (boyfriends, girls, husbands, kissing)

[betamanlet]

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

I`m assuming you know this information, by experience?

yes

[Tzaphkiel]

when someone shows up in your life with history of sexual abuse, what life is asking you to do, is to look at your own patterns in relationships, including any history of abuse, sexual and otherwise.

So when you describe the following about "her" what life is giving you the opportunity to explore, is your own response to what appears. It's never about "them" or "her." It's always about "you" and your life and your issues. That is the fruitful place to live.

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

The person I dated didn't come across as a trainwreck (although people are pretty good at concealing what's going on underneath). She seemed to be functional and not lacking in confidence. She had no trouble making friends, dealing with coworkers or customers, etc. But once in a relationship, she seemed to have a hard time letting anyone in emotionally, which I think is why none of her relationships lasted very long. I sometimes wondered if that was a defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt. And maybe separating sex from emotion was the product of being abused as a child. I never discussed the subject with her and she showed no sign of wanting to. That made it hard to help her.

Whatever it brings up for you is what life is asking you to explore, be honest about, and deal with. Particularly if any of it is a pattern that you find repeating in your life, with the same responses from you recurring. Best wishes

Try plugging "you" in for "her" in what you say above. What comes up for you, and how much of it hits the mark or has an emotional charge when you say this about yourself, try it on for size, this is Denny talking, saying "I don't come across as a trainwreck, although I am pretty good at concealing what's going on underneath. I seem to be functional and not lacking in confidence, no trouble making friends, dealing with coworkers, etc. But once in a relationship, I have a hard time letting anyone in emotionally, which I think is why none of my relationships last very long. I sometimes wondered if this is a defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt. And maybe separating sex from emotion is the product of being abused as a child. I never discussed the subject and have no sign of wanting to. This makes it hard for me to seek help."

Relationships are a gold mine of treasure in revealing to us areas for growth and expanded understanding. What keeps repeating or showing up in your relationships? If you keep trying to "help" or "fix" others, then that's a good place to start in identifying areas that come up, perhaps repeatedly, as patterns or problems in intimacy.

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel

when someone shows up in your life with history of sexual abuse, what life is asking you to do, is to look at your own patterns in relationships, including any history of abuse, sexual and otherwise.

So when you describe the following about "her" what life is giving you the opportunity to explore, is your own response to what appears. It's never about "them" or "her." It's always about "you" and your life and your issues. That is the fruitful place to live.

Gee thanks Dr. Phil, but I found that to be an incredibly self-centered way to look at things. I don't look at someone else's issues in terms of myself.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

Gee thanks Dr. Phil, but I found that to be an incredibly self-centered way to look at things. I don't look at someone else's issues in terms of myself.

So that did strike a chord. Good. If something has an emotional charge to it, then there is inner work to be done there.

If you "don't look at someone else's issues in terms of yourself" then that is an excellent place to start. Until and unless you do, nothing will change, just more of the same, and relationship patterns repeating. Healthy relationships are about owning our own stuff, not trying to fix, change, analyze others.

Focusing on others is a way of avoiding dealing with our own stuff.

Best wishes!

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel

So that did strike a chord. Good. If something has an emotional charge to it, then there is inner work to be done there.

If you "don't look at someone else's issues in terms of yourself" then that is an excellent place to start. Until and unless you do, nothing will change, just more of the same, and relationship patterns repeating. Healthy relationships are about owning our own stuff, not trying to fix, change, analyze others.

Focusing on others is a way of avoiding dealing with our own stuff.

Best wishes!

The only thing that struck a chord was how offensive this was. Someone was abused as a child. I'm trying to understand how that's affected her in an effort to understand her and anyone else I meet that's gone through a similar experience. And yet, you respond with this ridiculous psychobabble about viewing someone else's relationship troubles in terms of me. Here's a newsflash for you. You'll never have a healthy relationship if you look at someone else's problems in terms of you. If you don't even make the effort to understand what life is like for your partner, then you have no hope of ever forming a meaningful bond with them.

[ArizonaBear]

Originally Posted by betamanlet

Unfortunately when this happens to women, they become trainwrecks as adults. YOu can't fix them, they have to want on their own accord to deal with. Very few do.

Harsh to say: but there is a lot of truth to that statement. It is called taking personal responsibility for one's life---------much like a drunk or drug addict overcoming their demons.

Concerning women who were molested: I have dated a few. Those who 'own up' to it usually 'get their revenge by living well'--------AKA 'I WON: you lost!' to their tormenter.

[ArizonaBear]

Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel

So that did strike a chord. Good. If something has an emotional charge to it, then there is inner work to be done there.

If you "don't look at someone else's issues in terms of yourself" then that is an excellent place to start. Until and unless you do, nothing will change, just more of the same, and relationship patterns repeating. Healthy relationships are about owning our own stuff, not trying to fix, change, analyze others.

Focusing on others is a way of avoiding dealing with our own stuff.

Best wishes!

Easy there. DennyCrane made an adult to adult comment and you are bordering on condiscention (sp) with your replies.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by ArizonaBear

Easy there. DennyCrane made an adult to adult comment and you are bordering on condiscention (sp) with your replies.

I wouldn't call "Thanks Dr. Phil" an adult comment. I'd call it sarcasm, which is neither a healthy nor effective tool of communication.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by ArizonaBear

It is called taking personal responsibility for one's life.

yes, and that includes taking personal responsibility for what we attract into our life. We attract people into our life, into our relationships, it doesn't just "happen". When one can step up to the plate and own that "The common denominator in all my problems in my life is me" rather than staying in the place of blame, finger-pointing, analyzing others, trying to fix others, then the person can begin to stop being a victim, and begin, as Arizona says above, taking personal responsibility for one's life.

When a person stays focused on the other person, it is co-dependence plain and simple in all its unhealthy blazing splendor, and it is recognized by the insistence on focusing on someone else, rather than taking responsibility for the relationships in our lives.

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel

yes, and that includes taking personal responsibility for what we attract into our life. We attract people into our life, into our relationships, it doesn't just "happen". When one can step up to the plate and own that "The common denominator in all my problems in my life is me" rather than staying in the place of blame, finger-pointing, analyzing others, trying to fix others, then the person can begin to stop being a victim, and begin, as Arizona says above, taking personal responsibility for one's life.

When a person stays focused on the other person, it is co-dependence plain and simple in all its unhealthy blazing splendor, and it is recognized by the insistence on focusing on someone else, rather than taking responsibility for the relationships in our lives.

It's comments like this that invite a sarcastic response. We attract people into our life? Give me a break. The girl who was molested by her dad DIDN'T attract him into her life. He was there before she was born. I'm all for people taking personal responsibility for their decisions. But you've taken that mantra to a ridiculous extreme. If an asteroid hits the Earth and kills you, I guess we should say it was your fault for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. My, what an unsympathetic person you must be. Since when is trying to understand another person's pain the equivalence of co-dependence?