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Old 04-15-2009, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
49 posts, read 199,626 times
Reputation: 47

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Last November one of my female friends and I moved to being a bit more than friends. We kept it casual, since we didn't want drama and she had broken up a long-term relationship a few months earlier. We saw each other every week or so one-on-one where we hung around, goofed off, and had sex. Sometimes we would get pretty emotional and intimate, but I thought it was all "pillow talk" I never really thought I was attached to her.

This week she called and said she found some guy she likes who wants a long-term relationship and we needed to stop doing what we were doing. I said okay, and didn't make a big deal out of it on the phone, even though I was stammering a bit.

I knew this could happen and never thought it was going to be a big deal, but I didn't see this coming and I'm actually kind of hurt. I've been thinking about it for days now. I feel like I've been pushed off in a flippant manner, like nothing we did mattered to her. I also kind of feel like a wuss for just folding so easily. I guess I liked her more than I thought.

How can I let go of ill feelings? I want to stay friends, and I've talked to her since, but things are kind of awkward. I already made up an excuse to avoid one get-together with all the friends because I don't want to see the other guy; I probably can't avoid another.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 04-15-2009, 07:43 PM
 
37,477 posts, read 45,726,590 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Barrister85 View Post
I guess I liked her more than I thought.
This is ALWAYS the case for one party. It's why FWB is a lousy idea. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, other than to just consider this a lesson learned. She's moved on, and you need to do the same. I'm sorry for your unhappiness, but time will heal it, sooner than you think.
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Old 04-15-2009, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
49 posts, read 199,626 times
Reputation: 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
This is ALWAYS the case for one party. It's why FWB is a lousy idea. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, other than to just consider this a lesson learned. She's moved on, and you need to do the same. I'm sorry for your unhappiness, but time will heal it, sooner than you think.
Yeah, I knew that before we started, but I guess it was like the kid who knows the stove is hot but still has to put his hand on it. I think I'm still glad it happened though.
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Old 04-15-2009, 07:50 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,064 posts, read 17,967,128 times
Reputation: 3729
Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to be honest with her and tell her you were feeling more. Perhaps she was feeling the same and just didn't want to say anything. At the very least, if you told her, then she would understand why you're not so keen on hanging out with the group when the new man is there.
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Old 04-15-2009, 07:51 PM
 
Location: mass
2,905 posts, read 7,333,860 times
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Well, you can either:

Tell her how you feel or, go to gatherings, meet her new guy, and carry on as friends, or, discontinue the friendship.

I can't imagine having a FWB relationship and actually moving on from this arrangement into actual friendship.....

FWB just seems like a way to have a sexual relationship with no strings attached.

Not exactly friends, not exactly in a relationship.

But how to actually be friends after the WB part is over? I just don't know how that can really work.

(And how many significant others would accept their "other" having such a friend.)
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Old 04-15-2009, 07:56 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
49 posts, read 199,626 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytotwo View Post
Well, you can either:

Tell her how you feel or, go to gatherings, meet her new guy, and carry on as friends, or, discontinue the friendship.

I can't imagine having a FWB relationship and actually moving on from this arrangement into actual friendship.....

FWB just seems like a way to have a sexual relationship with no strings attached.

Not exactly friends, not exactly in a relationship.

But how to actually be friends after the WB part is over? I just don't know how that can really work.

(And how many significant others would accept their "other" having such a friend.)
We were friends first though, for a while. There was low-level sexual tension between us, but we were strictly platonic for over a year. I just don't know how to get back to that state, because I value her friendship for the long run.
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Old 04-15-2009, 08:02 PM
 
9,912 posts, read 13,872,437 times
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I doubt very much that nothing you did mattered to her, just for starters. Otherwise you'd have been a one night stand or she'd never have gotten started with you in the first place.

It's quite possible that because the terms of your agreement weren't re-negotiated within a time frame that she thought you were definitely happy with the arrangement you had made and decided she would move on to a situation where a relationship was a possibility for her. Maybe she thought you would offer that at some point as things unfolded between you and you didn't so she moved on?

That you didn't sorta indicates to me that you didn't really see her as relationship material and you were happy with the status quo and wanting to keep your options open and now you're just experiencing a little melancholy because she got in first. It's no biggy if you are and you will get over it, but you need to get on with the getting over it.

You need to suck it up and start attending things that you will both be present at. You also need a plan for how to go about that. Ease into it.
If there's something on and you know she'll be there, possibly with the fella, make arrangements to go for 1/2 an hour or an hour and then leave and go do something else. Take a friend with you or a casual date. While you're there say g'day to her and him if he's there. Have a list of "safe subjects" you can discuss with her, like favorite books, bands, etc., prepared and ready. Keep things light, attempt some general conversation and then go and do something else. The object of the "mission" is to start to acclimatize yourself to the new situation so that your friendship will survive. Good luck, may the force be with you.
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Old 04-15-2009, 08:12 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,064 posts, read 17,967,128 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommytotwo View Post
But how to actually be friends after the WB part is over? I just don't know how that can really work.

(And how many significant others would accept their "other" having such a friend.)
It's really no different from deciding to date someone in your circle of friends. If it ends, you have to move on.

I once dated a man I worked with and who was in my circle of friends. We were GREAT friends before our relationship turned sexual. That part didn't work out but we remained friends and, years later, I went to his wedding. Yeah, it was a tiny bit awkward at first but we moved beyond it and I had no problems or drama at all later with the woman who would become his wife.
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Old 04-15-2009, 08:35 PM
 
25,157 posts, read 53,847,818 times
Reputation: 7058
I agree. FWB is a bad idea from the get go. It's greedy and poor relationship practice. The real thing doesn't hurt. Those greedy and selfish relationships like FWB do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
This is ALWAYS the case for one party. It's why FWB is a lousy idea. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, other than to just consider this a lesson learned. She's moved on, and you need to do the same. I'm sorry for your unhappiness, but time will heal it, sooner than you think.
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Old 04-15-2009, 08:39 PM
 
25,157 posts, read 53,847,818 times
Reputation: 7058
I wouldn't think there would be any problems if you were friends start with, doesn't sex make people bond closer. I just don't see how people can cut ties like that, unless you were being used. That is probably why the OP feels hurt.

Also I'm so sick of people talking and using the word "awkward". Get over it. Everybody has felt awkward at some time in their life. It is common and it is a harmless feeling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by teatime View Post
It's really no different from deciding to date someone in your circle of friends. If it ends, you have to move on.

I once dated a man I worked with and who was in my circle of friends. We were GREAT friends before our relationship turned sexual. That part didn't work out but we remained friends and, years later, I went to his wedding. Yeah, it was a tiny bit awkward at first but we moved beyond it and I had no problems or drama at all later with the woman who would become his wife.
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