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Old 04-19-2009, 09:00 AM
 
5 posts, read 42,544 times
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Every man fears the day when the faithful and often said "you aint my daddy" is shot at him. I've met this girl....all is well with but her kids. How can a young man proceed. How do i also tell if i won't be made to pay for the mistake of the previous man/men in her life.
Women kindly give me the key:....................
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Old 04-19-2009, 09:06 AM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,849 posts, read 30,525,618 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kofi View Post
Every man fears the day when the faithful and often said "you aint my daddy" is shot at him. I've met this girl....all is well with but her kids. How can a young man proceed. How do i also tell if i won't be made to pay for the mistake of the previous man/men in her life.
Women kindly give me the key:....................
You might as well understand right off the bat that if you date/marry a woman with kids you will NEVER be a priority in her life. Everything will be children first and you second, or LAST even. Many men cannot handle this truth and it causes constant problems.

I would not recommend it.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 04-19-2009, 09:46 AM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,941,113 times
Reputation: 22290
If you're worried about paying as in money, make sure she's a career type that isn't just looking for a supplement to her child support or welfare check. As far as the "you're not my daddy", just accept that you're going to hear that and know how you'll handle it.

Not all men are cut out to be step-fathers and if you aren't then get out while you can. it can make a difference - one way or the other - if the kids have a good relationship with their own father or if he's out of the picture. There will certainly be issues and they're going to be important ones down the road.
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Old 04-19-2009, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,700,009 times
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If you want this girl, she has baggage that comes along with her.
I say if your not ready for that, then don`t even go there.
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:07 AM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,996,621 times
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Why would you even consider getting yourself in that situation? Really, WHY????
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Seattle metro, WA, US
300 posts, read 657,599 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Why would you even consider getting yourself in that situation? Really, WHY????
Because in certain age group there is rarely anyone without kids. Or in other words, virtually everyone worthy has some baggage kids included. No choice but dealing with it. And kids is a big issue, they can snap promising relationship that easy. If there is any conflict between the romantic interest and the interest of the kids, absolute majority of parents take the kids side without thinking as much as a split second of who's on first, the kids or the beau. Kids always win save a few exceptions of the rule.
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:21 AM
 
1,492 posts, read 6,987,121 times
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There are tons of people who won't date a man or woman who has children....don't want to get mixed up in all the drama and everything else that goes along with it.

But on the flip side, there are tons who don't think nothing of it.

I say avoid it at all costs. A man with a kid around is the last thing I need so it's not wrong nor does it make you a bad person to not want that either from a woman.

There are plenty of single men and women who either don't have children or who have grown children.
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:28 AM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,458,991 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kofi View Post
Every man fears the day when the faithful and often said "you aint my daddy" is shot at him. I've met this girl....all is well with but her kids. How can a young man proceed. How do i also tell if i won't be made to pay for the mistake of the previous man/men in her life.
Women kindly give me the key:....................
if you're "dating," you should make it clear that you're dating the woman- not her kids.
not only is there no reason for the kids to be included in casual dating, it's a bad idea.

if you're in the "relationship" stage, the same is still true-- you're building a relationship with her.

if it gets to the point that you decide you want permanency with the person, & that decision is mutual, it's a good idea for you & her both to discuss and agree on what "role" you will have in the family. it's better yet to make this decision before you even meet the kids.
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:38 AM
 
Location: So Cal
40,733 posts, read 40,315,363 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VegasGrace View Post
There are tons of people who won't date a man or woman who has children....don't want to get mixed up in all the drama and everything else that goes along with it.

But on the flip side, there are tons who don't think nothing of it.

I say avoid it at all costs. A man with a kid around is the last thing I need so it's not wrong nor does it make you a bad person to not want that either from a woman.

There are plenty of single men and women who either don't have children or who have grown children.
I'd have to say I agree. I've been on both side of this issue. My parents divorced when I was a baby.

I've seen the different men my Mom had in her life. I've also been with a couple of women with kids.

It would probably depend on what stage someone is in their life. If you're 22 and just looking to have a good time, then I'd probably hang out with a single Mom. If I was looking to get serious. I'd probably avoid the single Mom's.

No offense Moms. It just that there is too much drama, what if you really don't like the kid. What if you see that she lets the kid act like a monster. If you try to say anything you're probably gonna end up in the doghouse.

You can't be spontaneous, always having to deal with babysitters, that type of thing.

And yes, you're always last on the list of priorities. I fully understand that, not upset by it, matter of fact you probably do need to be at or near the bottom as kids require a lot of time and energy.

I just don't want to deal with that stuff as well.
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:59 AM
 
Location: this side of knoxville tn...
253 posts, read 713,218 times
Reputation: 273
Default my "key"

Quote:
Originally Posted by kofi View Post
Every man fears the day when the faithful and often said "you aint my daddy" is shot at him. I've met this girl....all is well with but her kids. How can a young man proceed. How do i also tell if i won't be made to pay for the mistake of the previous man/men in her life.
Women kindly give me the key:....................
you will get advice from men who say "run for the hills dude before hooking up with a woman who has kids"
and they mean well....alot have been burned or used by women with kids, like being used for support, etc.
but not all women are like that, and just like not all men are man-whores, you have to use your own judgement here.
get to know the woman, find out about her past relationships, does she seem to go thru alot of boyfriends? event that doesnt always mean she is a user, could also mean the guys she dated was losers, again, it works both ways.

woman now days are more carefull thanks to all the sadisitic pervs out there, alot of women dont want to take the chance of introducing a child molester to their kids, or a abuser. have you thought of that?

as far as the fear of emotional baggage, yes, there is alot out there, alot of woman could care less that their single moms and dont date carefully, but there is even alot more that did come from a bad marriage/relationship and will need extra time to recover and trust again. even their kids, depending on the age will need that time to recover.
thats where you can shine.
be patient, look for a woman who is past it somewhat, meaning she will discuss what happened, but not dwell on it, this means she is usually working past it. ones that talk about it all the time, are fresh to the pain, and you wont break down their defense walls yet.

on this.....be patient, be supportive, show her that not all men are pigs and hurtfull, if your genuine and honest, to her and her kids, she will see it, and her heart will feel it.
dont exclude the kids all the time, yes, dating is for you and her to get to know each other, but to the kids, they dont want to feel left out either, maybe their daddy hurt them to, and maybe they need to see that not all daddys are peieces of crap. go as a "family" to a ball game, roller skating, something fun and nuetral. this gives everyone a chance to warm up slowly and ease into it. and take the time to get to know the kids, their likes, etc, gives you something to talk to them about when its time to get to know them better, if you have something in common, it breaks the ice better.
wait till your serious about the relationship before you do one on one time with the kids beyond shooting hoops or somehting in backyard while mom makes supper. dont push, dont hover, just be relaxed and let your heart do the talking, kids are not easily fooled, they can see things mom cant.

but yes, be carefull, kids can wreck things to, but not always because they are evil brats, some actually cause trouble cuz they want attention, mom is all they have stable and they are afraid you might take that away, only to eventually hurt them again, they are usually just testing your resolve and if you will walk out easy.

and before i get slammed, yes, this works for dads with kids to.
and dont let the birth parent who is a big part of the picture scare you, there is alot of step parents out there that are best friends with the birth parent, as long as you dont step on their toes, respect them and their beliefs with the kids, then you will be fine.

and lastly, dont let someone with kids scare you....my gosh... many people ge married and have kids, andtheir own kids cause parents to split to, but that doesnt stop people from having kids....lol
just take your time, baby steps...if its ment to be...you will know.
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