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Old 04-28-2009, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 2,789,163 times
Reputation: 1585
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I'm just curious as to what you guys think about the advice the counselor is giving my husband and myself (back in counseling and, I guess, dating for the moment - he does not want a divorce).The counselors advice is that our relationship be platonic for now. He says that sex can really mess things up when you're trying to work through emotional issues. What do you think of the counselor's advice?I'm curious because some here have posted they wouldn't date someone for three weeks if the didn't have sex with them and it looks like we're in for several months IF we make it.
I would listen to the counselor. I agree that sex can mess things up because feelings get confused and men and women think of sex on totally different levels. Women tend to think that having sex means the person you are having sex with actually cares about you when in fact that person may only be fufilling a physical need. If you are interested in saving your marriage and working through your emotional issues, then listen to what the counselor is telling you.

Not everyone has the 3 week rule when it comes to having sex with someone. Everyone is different and not everyone is trying to work through some marriage issues.

I have a friend who divorced her husband when her kids were small and he kept coming back to sleep with her but never made an attempt to reconcile. She use to get all giddy because he was sleeping with her and it backfired on her big time. While this was going on, he remarried..he would still sneak over to see my friend and sleep with her..it was ridiculous. Next thing I knew, she was telling me that he was leaving his new wife and they were going to work things out...for the kids, mind you. Well, her ex picks up my son and his son and they go to this club were people can drink and shoot pool. My son was 13 and had I known this is where they were going....hindsight now. Anyhow, long story short...my son heard this ex talking with the guys bragging about having sex with my friend and still being with his wife. My son was very upset as he has been close to this friend of mine for years....I told my friend what was said, she confronted the ex and that was that.

So, you see all kinds of things can happen if you sleep with your husband too soon while in counseling..not saying he would do something like this but why risk it???
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Old 04-28-2009, 12:37 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, TN
8,002 posts, read 13,028,341 times
Reputation: 12208
I agree with Redisca and Book Lover and I'm also a female. Although I think Ivory and her husband should do what feels right for them. I believe a good counselor can help save a marriage and maybe the counselor has reasons for this that are only known to the couple.

However, I say yes to the sex and NEVER EVER would I agree to living separately.

I truly hope this works out for them
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Old 04-28-2009, 12:40 PM
 
Location: USA
2,134 posts, read 1,483,853 times
Reputation: 3509
Quote:
Originally Posted by Connecticut Pam View Post
I would listen to the counselor. I agree that sex can mess things up because feelings get confused and men and women think of sex on totally different levels. Women tend to think that having sex means the person you are having sex with actually cares about you when in fact that person may only be fufilling a physical need. If you are interested in saving your marriage and working through your emotional issues, then listen to what the counselor is telling you.

Not everyone has the 3 week rule when it comes to having sex with someone. Everyone is different and not everyone is trying to work through some marriage issues.

I have a friend who divorced her husband when her kids were small and he kept coming back to sleep with her but never made an attempt to reconcile. She use to get all giddy because he was sleeping with her and it backfired on her big time. While this was going on, he remarried..he would still sneak over to see my friend and sleep with her..it was ridiculous. Next thing I knew, she was telling me that he was leaving his new wife and they were going to work things out...for the kids, mind you. Well, her ex picks up my son and his son and they go to this club were people can drink and shoot pool. My son was 13 and had I known this is where they were going....hindsight now. Anyhow, long story short...my son heard this ex talking with the guys bragging about having sex with my friend and still being with his wife. My son was very upset as he has been close to this friend of mine for years....I told my friend what was said, she confronted the ex and that was that.

So, you see all kinds of things can happen if you sleep with your husband too soon while in counseling..not saying he would do something like this but why risk it???
Okay, I can see where sex would muddy the waters in a situation like your friend's. But it sounds like that guy was a jerk from beginning to end. Not someone that you would want to work things out with anyway.

But, it almost seems like withholding sex while you are trying to work things out is like using sex as a tool, or a carrot. Almost like he hasn't earned the right to have sex with her. Once you begin to use it as a tool, where does it stop? Do you withhold it because he forgot to take out the trash? And how is that going to affect how he feels about your sexual relationship?

I'm not an expert but any means, these are just my thoughts.
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Old 04-28-2009, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,555 posts, read 4,090,889 times
Reputation: 8520
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
There's your answer right there, that's more important than what anyone on an online forum thinks or not! Best wishes Ivory, you deserve safety, peace, joy, and happiness in your life, and in your relationships. You go girl!
Exactly. If you trust your counselor, that's all that counts. I'm kind of sorry you brought it up here. No one here is in your shoes.
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:58 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 9,448,921 times
Reputation: 3609
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
I am a woman, and I think this is bad advice. I just happen to think that sex isn't something to be reviled or feared, nor do I think that sex and emotional intimacy are mutually exclusive things, particularly in a marriage of long duration.

Well, taking your argument to its logical conclusion, we can say that people should NEVER have sex. Right? I mean, if sex is so dangerous and poisonous to a relationship -- if it's by definition angry, punitive, and mechanical -- if having sex somehow completely shuts down the part of the brain that takes care of emotional intimacy -- then hell, people should just put on chastity belts and focus on the nobler parts of their relationship forever and for all time. I mean, from everything you've said, it sounds like there is never any legitimate reason to have sex. I don't happen to view sex that way, and that's why I responded the way I did. However, I do acknowledge that any person, married or not, who regards sex as hazardous, illicit even in marriage, damaging to love and borderline criminal should just effin' opt for lifelong celibacy. And let their dirty, dirty-minded spouse off the hook.
Who said anything about sex being reveiled or feared? Sex, like anything else, has a proper context and when a couple is just starting out or rebuilding a relatiuonship it has to wait. Any relationship worth having can withstand a period of time without sex. Are you sure you read my posts? Please show me where I EVER said that sex was poisonous to a relationship. Those of us who have feelings and are not sex toys do equate sex with love and romance. Therefore, if a person wants to make sure that the relationship has true feelings of love and intimacy, one establishes those feelings FIRST then confirms them in a loving sexual way. In other words, they are truly making love not simply having sex.
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Old 04-28-2009, 03:00 PM
 
3,844 posts, read 8,119,895 times
Reputation: 2425
If you don't give it to him, he'll find it elsewhere. Plenty of single tramps just waiting at the bar.

Once he finds that out, you are done for. He'll happily sign the divorce papers knowing he has someone on the side who is more than happy to be with him.
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Old 04-28-2009, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Under a bridge.
3,196 posts, read 3,292,212 times
Reputation: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by killer2021 View Post
If you don't give it to him, he'll find it elsewhere. Plenty of single tramps just waiting at the bar..
That is only true if he is dishonerable.
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Old 04-28-2009, 06:30 PM
Status: "Desperately searching for the grading fairy...." (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,911 posts, read 16,215,477 times
Reputation: 11478
Quote:
Originally Posted by dcashley View Post
That is only true if he is dishonerable.
Or if sex is more important than the relationship. Either way, I don't think I'd want to stay so the fact it would be over due to no sex would be a blessing in disguise since it would end things quicker.

If his intentions are honorable and he views our relationship as having value beyond easy access, we'll do fine.

You know the, "He'll leave if you don't give it to him" argument reminds me of when I was a teenager and friends warned that my boyfriend would dump me if I didn't put out. If that's my only value to a man, he's not a man I want in my life anyway.
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Old 04-28-2009, 06:31 PM
 
25,170 posts, read 33,520,431 times
Reputation: 6690
to some people sex is as important as food.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Or if sex is more important than the relationship.
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Old 04-28-2009, 06:39 PM
Status: "Desperately searching for the grading fairy...." (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,911 posts, read 16,215,477 times
Reputation: 11478
Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
to some people sex is as important as food.
You can't build a relationship on sex though. If that's all that's important, there are people who make a living providing sex.
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