What is wrong about being the OTHER person in an affair? (boyfriend, girlfriend)

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by ChessieMom

Wow! Incredible that you kept going back...but I know the pull. At least you finally shut that door. How long between start and finish?

job interview: and when did you graduate from high school?

[piperspal]

Sierra, lots to identify with...the magnetic hold, the "spark", especially having a thing for his country/culture before he even came along.

In another thread (in a galaxy far away & a time long ago ), I believe I intimated something along those lines. Got an opportunity to act on our feelings
just once: I was legally separated & he was in between marriages. The feelings were there when we were both in our own respective marital ice storms
...and they are still there now.

I am now free to date & pursue whomever I please if & when I'm ready. He's married & therefore not. I prefer to keep myself in the dark & imagine
him being a faithful husband...because to picture anything else is just too sad.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by piperspal

Sierra, lots to identify with...the magnetic hold, the "spark", especially having a thing for his country/culture before he even came along.

In another thread (in a galaxy far away & a time long ago ), I believe I intimated something along those lines. Got an opportunity to act on our feelings
just once: I was legally separated & he was in between marriages. The feelings were there when we were both in our own respective marital ice storms
...and they are still there now.

I am now free to date & pursue whomever I please if & when I'm ready. He's married & therefore not. I prefer to keep myself in the dark & imagine
him being a faithful husband...because to picture anything else is just too sad.

Unless I'm getting something wrong, he was single and you were about to be single at the time. Seems like marital status wasn't what parted you...

You know, piper, they say many more tears have been caused by dreams that have come true. God knows I've had quite a few of my wishes granted. And yes, many times it's better to never get close to someone and live with the illusion you have as opposed to having it ruined for you in a jiffy. Sometimes I admire an actor, a writer, a musician, etc., and if I find out they're jerks in real life I no longer even can look at their work the same way.

[malamute]

It would be hard to have an affair with a married person because it would be difficult to have any respect for that person. Either he or she is a liar or is pathetic - if the other spouse knows and doesn't care then it's because the spouse is taking what's better and leaving the "other" with the worthless scraps. A liar sneaking around isn't someone I could respect at all.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

job interview: and when did you graduate from high school?

A long LONG flippin' time ago.

[piperspal]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

Unless I'm getting something wrong, he was single and you were about to be single at the time. Seems like marital status wasn't what parted you...

Our friendship has spanned almost 20 years and we truly have been there for each other during some real trials. Actually it was & still is marital status
that keeps us apart. Although I separated, I never divorced & ended up back with my husband - (another long story with no black or white areas,
only gray) . And Mr. Notmine was on his way to his homeland to bring back the arranged-marriage wife.

In his culture, I never would have been accepted, and thus he would have also lost his family. They never would have welcomed a {divorced}, sterile,
older woman. He now has a passel of kids, his wife is everything his family & culture require...
Are they happy? Probably.

We both have businesses in the same small circle/community, and running into each other is frequent & inevitable. He would love to carry on as before...
that's just not gonna happen. This is one time when I can help it....don't want to...but I will. I would rather just move out of state & start fresh.
I get the saying "affair of the heart". Having met his wife ( a lovely soul), even an affair of the heart is not something I can handle.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by piperspal

Our friendship has spanned almost 20 years and we truly have been there for each other during some real trials. Actually it was & still is marital status
that keeps us apart. Although I separated, I never divorced & ended up back with my husband - (another long story with no black or white areas,
only gray) . And Mr. Notmine was on his way to his homeland to bring back the arranged-marriage wife.

In his culture, I never would have been accepted, and thus he would have also lost his family. They never would have welcomed a {divorced}, sterile,
older woman. He now has a passel of kids, his wife is everything his family & culture require...
Are they happy? Probably.

We both have businesses in the same small circle/community, and running into each other is frequent & inevitable. He would love to carry on as before...
that's just not gonna happen. This is one time when I can help it....don't want to...but I will. I would rather just move out of state & start fresh.
I get the saying "affair of the heart". Having met his wife ( a lovely soul), even an affair of the heart is not something I can handle.

I see. Very sad story... And it's very hard being in such close proximity. On the bright side (if there is one), cultural differences are very difficult to overcome.

[teatime]

Wow. That's really difficult, Piper!

One of my friends in college was from India and she fell in love with a student from West Germany. They had plans to attend grad. school together and eventually marry. Her parents asked her to come home for a vacation after we graduated and she agreed, not thinking anything of it.

Well, when she got home, they greeted her with the man who would be her husband. They had arranged a marriage for her! This was a Catholic family and no way did she or we think that would happen to her. It did. She managed to get one letter out to one of the friends in our circle, explaining everything. She was devastated.

Cultural issues can be a HUGE bummer. It makes me so sad. Why can't folks just love who they want and not have to be slaves to various traditions and customs?! I'm including our society in this, too. Not everyone is cut out for marriage but most people feel obligated to marry because it's the "norm."

[flynaebirdy]

I have never believed in marriage. The concept is precious, yes, but the reality.....ummm...not so much.
How can we, in our society of in your face sexuality, expect to be monogamous?
When two come together, there is (hopefully) a spark, if/when that dies, do you continue on? and if so...Why? I have never understood. Can we really expect ourselves to only be attracted to one person?
Cheating...is cheating....be it: in our minds, hearts or bodies....it's still cheating...why would we set ourselves up for failure? What do people get out of being married anyway, other than a tax break? Why take that step, when you can have it all, without going there? and about being the OTHER in an affair, remember there will always be anOTHER...no matter how ya look at it!

[Huckleberry3911948]

of all the women i have known that had affairs with married men, none of them felt at all responsible and knew he was married. . i dont have a clue why this is.