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If he's miserable at breaking up with his wife, his dignity isn't going to be much comfort to him. There are worse things than being humiliated and forgiving the person who caused you the humiliation. In a casual friendship or acquaintanceship, one can afford to be proud and refuse to forgive someone for an injustice. In a marriage or other close relationship, sometimes you put yourself second for the benefit of the union. If a family member hurts me, I don't disown them. I talk to them about it; I make clear how much they've hurt me and what I perceive that they did wrong, and I start a two way communication with that person and listen to why they did what they did. It doesn't mean we both immediately hold hands and sing "Kumbaya". It means that we tackle the disagreement like two adults and try to put aside our differences.
I think, all too often, people are putting themselves first to the degree that they abandon a relationship or friendship without even trying to save it. Barring life threatening physical abuse, a marriage and a family, IMHO, is something worth saving. That's evidently the road Mr. Cat has taken, and, I say, more power to him. To me, that shows he has great dignity.
So what people are saying is that pride is more important than reasoning?
If he loves her, and he wants to win her love, that is not undignified. Losing his kids and his wife at the same time is harsh. He still has love for her, so that means that if she's willing, he could fight to win her love till the day he dies. Its his life. Nobody is getting hurt. If someone gets hurt its probably going to be him, nobody else. So let him do what he wants.
So what people are saying is that pride is more important than reasoning?
If he loves her, and he wants to win her love, that is not undignified. Losing his kids and his wife at the same time is harsh. He still has love for her, so that means that if she's willing, he could fight to win her love till the day he dies. Its his life. Nobody is getting hurt. If someone gets hurt its probably going to be him, nobody else. So let him do what he wants.
Well, I've always thought that, when all else fails, and all seems lost, if you still have your dignity, then you have something valuable to work with.
I'd personally rather keep my dignity and move on to build a different (and maybe better) life, than grovel for a person's love when that person has made it clear that I'm substandard.
Last edited by FormerCaliforniaGirl; 05-02-2009 at 10:01 PM..
Well, I've always thought that, when all else fails, and all seems lost, if you still have your dignity, then you have something valuable.
I'd personally rather keep my dignity and move on to build a different (and maybe better) life, than grovel for a person's love when that person has made it clear that I'm substandard.
I understand what you mean. I don't think I would stick around either if someone told me that they detest me. But see, thats not what she told him. She said she did love him, but was not in love with him. That means that there's hope yet.
I understand what you mean. I don't think I would stick around either if someone told me that they detest me. But see, thats not what she told him. She said she did love him, but was not in love with him. That means that there's hope yet.
For me (and this is just my own personal feeling) when somebody says, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you", it's an insult. It's basically saying, "Well, you're okay, and I DO like you and care about you, but I don't adore or cherish you, and you're not "all that".
Plus, Mrs. Cat told Mr. Cat that she had "never" been in love with him. Ouch!
I really do respect all the people here who are of the opinion that Mr. Cat should make the most of this second chance his wife is giving him. It's just that for me, if I was in his situation, I'd skip on the second chance and move on, with my dignity intact. There IS life after divorce. And sometimes it's a much better life.
For me (and this is just my own personal feeling) when somebody says, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you", it's an insult. It's basically saying, "Well, you're okay, and I DO like you and care about you, but I don't adore or cherish you, and you're not "all that".
Plus, Mrs. Cat told Mr. Cat that she had "never" been in love with him. Ouch!
I really do respect all the people here who are of the opinion that Mr. Cat should make the most of this second chance his wife is giving him. It's just that for me, if I was in his situation, I'd skip on the second chance and move on, with my dignity intact. There IS life after divorce. And sometimes it's a much better life.
I think that all too often statements like "I love you but I'm not in love w/ you", or even "I was never in love with you", are said when someone is at a really low point in their life. My brother said that once and was so thankful his wife thought he was talking out of his a$$ when he said it. He felt that way at the time - he felt a lot of confused, hopeless & angry thoughts back then - many more at himself than at his wife. That was 17 years ago & divorce seemed imminent. They now have one of the strongest, most deeply loving bonds of anyone I know.
Sure, I think it's possible for a spouse to say that & mean it & still mean it years later. But I also think that sometimes we all say things we don't mean or wish we could take back. Just tossing my two coins in the fountain, fwiw.
I think that all too often statements like "I love you but I'm not in love w/ you", or even "I was never in love with you", are said when someone is at a really low point in their life. My brother said that once and was so thankful his wife thought he was talking out of his a$$ when he said it. He felt that way at the time - he felt a lot of confused, hopeless & angry thoughts back then - many more at himself than at his wife. That was 17 years ago & divorce seemed imminent. They now have one of the strongest, most deeply loving bonds of anyone I know.
Yes, that's the proverbial "for worse" in a marriage. People do get depressions. People do get sicknesses with a depression as a symptom. There is a private personal space between two people where only they can understand if the words said are at their face value, or if they are a manifest of some problem and a need for help.
Reminds me of Tom Cruise waging war on Brooke Shields' post-partum depression. Of course he knew better He apologized to her after his own wife gave birth. I no longer hear him to be an expert in marital relationships or post-partum
I think that all too often statements like "I love you but I'm not in love w/ you", or even "I was never in love with you", are said when someone is at a really low point in their life. My brother said that once and was so thankful his wife thought he was talking out of his a$$ when he said it. He felt that way at the time - he felt a lot of confused, hopeless & angry thoughts back then - many more at himself than at his wife. That was 17 years ago & divorce seemed imminent. They now have one of the strongest, most deeply loving bonds of anyone I know.
Sure, I think it's possible for a spouse to say that & mean it & still mean it years later. But I also think that sometimes we all say things we don't mean or wish we could take back. Just tossing my two coins in the fountain, fwiw.
I'm going to keep this as my personal opinion: even if we were able to work through the initial problem and find our way back to each other, that statement, "I love you but I'm not in love you" would stay in the back of my mind and would give me great insecurity.
That said, none of us is Mr. Cat and none of us lives his life or with his family. If he wants to forgive and forget, that's his business and his right. And I think since HE has made HIS decision and HE is happy with it, we should be happy for him and wish him the best.
I think that all too often statements like "I love you but I'm not in love w/ you", or even "I was never in love with you", are said when someone is at a really low point in their life. My brother said that once and was so thankful his wife thought he was talking out of his a$$ when he said it. He felt that way at the time - he felt a lot of confused, hopeless & angry thoughts back then - many more at himself than at his wife. That was 17 years ago & divorce seemed imminent. They now have one of the strongest, most deeply loving bonds of anyone I know.
Sure, I think it's possible for a spouse to say that & mean it & still mean it years later. But I also think that sometimes we all say things we don't mean or wish we could take back. Just tossing my two coins in the fountain, fwiw.
You are EXACTLY right. We ALL say things we don't mean sometimes. Oh sure, we might mean them in the moment, but they are more a consequence of extreme frustration than an actual representation of our true feelings. Like I said earlier in the thread, you marry "for better or worse" - this kind of situation is the "worse". You don't just throw in the towel on a marriage the minute it gets hard
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He apologized to her after his own wife gave birth. I no longer hear him to be an expert in marital relationships or post-partum 
