Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OK, I'll try and make this long story short. My last meaningful relationship was about 5 years ago. I fell in love with someone who was quite a bit older than me. We went out for about a year, and he ended up having health problems and went into a deep depression, and broke up with me. He said it was for my own good and that I needed to be free to live my life.
I've had plenty of relationships (I'm now 39) and usually even in the worst breakup I would get over someone in about six months. Less if I was the one doing the breaking up, LOL. But I can't seem to move forward here. Even if I don't think about him during the day, I dream about him at night. You know the saying that when you meet the person you are supposed to marry, you just know it? Well I never understood that until I met this person. I called my mom two weeks into the relationship and told her this was it for me.
Well I've been out with several other men since then, but it's just like I can't move forward. I don't know what it is going to take. I do think I have had a low-grade depression. I've gained some weight and don't look or feel the same.
Do I need therapy, antidepressants, a complete change of scene? BTW he does not live in my city so there is no way I will run into him. What do y'all suggest?
In my own experience, the reason you can't get over someone is because you haven't had proper closure. You say that he broke up with you because he got really depressed - well it sounds like that probably wasn't good enough for you meaning.... that what he told you didn't seem plausible or maybe he broke things off too quickly for you to wrap your mind around what was happening. In a sense, you've been traumatized by the break up and it was before you were ready for it.
Are you still in contact with this man? If so, have you even talked about the break up and how it made you feel? That part is going to be important because it sounds like he dropped the ball and left you hanging without being able to express your own feelings. While I can sympathize with his own state of mind at the time it doesn't change the fact that what he did was extremely selfish and in all reality, he may have done you a favor.
I would say that if you have been in contact it's time to start asking him some hard questions. Something else that may help if you are not in contact is to write a long letter to him spelling out all of your feelings during your relationship, the break up and how you feel now then bury the letter... you are going to have do some closure but you may have to do it by yourself.
Good luck.
Last edited by andreaspercheron; 05-07-2009 at 06:48 AM..
Reason: hit the enter key too soon!
OK, I'll try and make this long story short. My last meaningful relationship was about 5 years ago. I fell in love with someone who was quite a bit older than me. We went out for about a year, and he ended up having health problems and went into a deep depression, and broke up with me. He said it was for my own good and that I needed to be free to live my life.I've had plenty of relationships (I'm now 39) and usually even in the worst breakup I would get over someone in about six months. Less if I was the one doing the breaking up, LOL. But I can't seem to move forward here. Even if I don't think about him during the day, I dream about him at night. You know the saying that when you meet the person you are supposed to marry, you just know it? Well I never understood that until I met this person. I called my mom two weeks into the relationship and told her this was it for me. Well I've been out with several other men since then, but it's just like I can't move forward. I don't know what it is going to take. I do think I have had a low-grade depression. I've gained some weight and don't look or feel the same.
Do I need therapy, antidepressants, a complete change of scene? BTW he does not live in my city so there is no way I will run into him. What do y'all suggest?
I think your ex might have found a way to break up with you that would end your relationship for good...he told you his health wasn't good. If this is true, then had he really been in love with you, he would have wanted you there to help him through this rough patch. When you love someone, you help them through stuff like this and you want to be with your special someone not chase them away. He chased you away and I'll bet if you called him or saw him in public, he would be ok and if he was really ill, it might not in fact be as bad as he says. He just didn't want you there with him, period. My second husband came to me with a bad heart...I knew it and married him anyhow because I wanted to love him and take care of him for as long as I could. I thought that maybe by loving him so very much, I could love him healthy..didn't work that way, he died a year after we were married, but he did want me there.
The reason you can't move forward from this breakup is that you knew and still know that there has to be more of a reason for him to break up than him being ill and I will bet you there surely was. My advice? Understand that he took a coward's way out to end your relationship...he gave you the old "It's better for you if we don't see each other anymore"...and you know something? He was correct...if he can't tell you the whole truth and didn't want you there to help him through this mess he was in then you DO need to be away from him.
Look, 39 years old is young. Hell, I am 61 and have been married 3 times. My first husband was a jerk...I have written about the nit wit over and over on here so you can go back and see some of those posts...some are pretty funny. My second husband is the one who came to me with a very bad heart and he died when he was 42. I have never loved someone like I loved him..it was soul wrenching when he died. My present husband is 10 years younger than me and I adore him...he is the best thing that has ever entered my life and loves me without question. So....you see, 39 gaining a little weight...not a big issue. You have tons of time to exercise, go out for a walk, go running..you just never know who you will meet. Contrary to what some women will tell you...there are great guys out there just waiting to have a nice woman and a nicer relationship...good luck.
I had this happen to me one time and I read a lot of self help books on letting go. The best thing I read was that I had to subconciously let him go, every time I thought of him I had to envision myself cutting an imagionary rope that had use tied together and just keep telling myself I had to let go. Once you truely accept that you are letting him go, keep doing things to counteract your thoughts of him, etc. He will finally disappear from your concious and subconcious. It took me the best part of year, I wouldn't let myself forget his cell # for so long, that was years ago and finally one day I could not remember his cell # any more and I knew I was finally done with him.....hope this helps you.
To add... I think as women we've all been through this at one point or another. I know for me personally, I do speak from experience. I've been there too and it did take a long time to realize that I deserved better and that I had to let go or I would never be able to move on and have a successful relationship.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,005,830 times
Reputation: 9418
You're probably not going to care for my answer because I went through it 32 years ago and while I have 'let go'--as much as one can in this situation--and have moved on with my life (got married/divorced, had children, although, not in that order) I still have the same feelings for him. I thought recently I'd put it behind me once and for all by calling him to say hello and see how he's been. We've been talking ever since. Once we got over our nervousness about talking again--which only took a couple minutes--we both felt like no time had passed between us and come to find out, he's still got strong feelings for me too. He's wanted for years to contact me to say he was sorry and tell me things he never got to. Nothing will come of this but remaining friends--from a safe distance. He's married. I think this was meant to help me move on once and for all. It's a bitter-sweet reunion, of sorts.
I feel happy just knowing that I've loved and been loved that intensely at least once in my life. I've fallen in love before and after him, I guess, but the difference was, I got over the others so quickly. Makes me wonder if it was really love I had with the others. I have no answers. I wish I did. Just relating to you. You can't talk the heart out of what it wants.
and he ended up having health problems and went into a deep depression, and broke up with me. He said it was for my own good and that I needed to be free to live my life.
I don't know - seems like he thought he was doing you a favor somehow. Did you ever tell him how you feel?
Thanks for all the answers so far. To Connecticut Pam, he WAS really really sick, and almost died. I won't go too much into the details because I don't want anyone who knows him seeing this, but I stood by him through the couple of months of recovery that it took. But the illness really took a toll on his health (although not permanently thank God) and his business. He had a lot of changes to deal with in a short time, and was in a deep depression, I could see it in his eyes.
I did get back in touch with him recently through email (I just didn't think I could handle calling him) and he said he still thinks about me every day. That he thought at the time he was doing the right thing and that it wasn't healthy for me to be around him in his state of mind. He is dating someone right now but said it is a somewhat rocky relationship, they keep breaking up and getting back together. He now has my new phone number and email so the ball is in his court if he wants to reach out... I'm not going to do it, although he said I was welcome to call anytime.
Thanks again for the replies, although you scared me Whyte Byrd... hopefully I won't feel like this forever! Y'all have made me feel lots better.
The reason that you feel better is that you reached out to him again. In some way, you felt you had abandoned him too. That you hadn't tried hard enough. That you simply let him go without much of a fight. In some subconscious way, you felt guilty. Now that the ball is in his court, the balance has been restored. Good for you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
