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Old 05-11-2009, 02:40 AM
 
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For some people, the children are a cop out so that they don't have to admit to themselves that they do want to stay in spite of the infidelity . Just admit you want to stay and leave the kids out of this.
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Old 05-11-2009, 03:05 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,392,178 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001 View Post
For some people, the children are a cop out so that they don't have to admit to themselves that they do want to stay in spite of the infidelity . Just admit you want to stay and leave the kids out of this.
Sorry but the kids are the reason I want to stay. When I put everything on the scale, they are what tips it. And why is that a cop out? Wanting what's best for your kids is now a cop out? It's not a cop out to consider the kids. It's not even an excuse. Part of what I want in life is what's best for my kids and, as long as we're getting along, I don't think divorce is it.

I don't buy that kids are MISERABLE (said in a melodramtic voice) if their parents aren't happily married. Kids are only miserable if the adults make the situation miserable. They have the choice not to. Personally, I think it's a cop out to say that kids are better off if the parents are happy. That mom has to be in a happy relationship for them to be happy. That's just justifying putting your own happiness before your children's. Trust me, children don't like it when you find another love interest.

I'm a child of divorce and it's not something I'd wish on any child without good reason. I'm not happily married isn't reason. I don't have to be happily married to live a pleasant life and provide a pleasant home for my kids.

Divorce itself might be ok but once parents start dating again, it's not. I think kids can handle splitting their home and their time between parents but when they have to start splitting the time they have with each parent with a new love interest, they lose. If we do divorce, I do not plan to date. Anything, social, I do will be on the days they are with their father.

At least we're both too old to have more children with a new love interest. That's the worst thing you can do.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 05-11-2009 at 03:22 AM..
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Old 05-11-2009, 03:08 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,392,178 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
No one said having an affair is virtuous. There is nothing adult, mature, moral or intelligent about continuously distorting the truth and creating fantasies to back your arguments.

The bottom line is that you, dear Ivory, are not an in a position to slam people the way you do. Pushing people beneath you only creates the illusion that you are above them; it doesn't make it so. So, when you spew over and over about how horrible cheaters are and how they think, feel and live, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself whether or not you are worthy of all the perfection you pontificate.
Why, because you say so?

Funny how I lived in the same marriage he did with the same issues but he chose to cheat and I didn't. That should tell you that cheaters cheat and non cheaters don't. I've never claimed perfection. I only claim I didn't cheat because I have higher morals than that. If you think that makes me superior, we'll who am I to argue with you.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 05-11-2009 at 03:29 AM..
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Old 05-11-2009, 03:12 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,392,178 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
Ivoryticler,
I have just one question I'd like to ask. If your Husband were to cheat again and said he wanted to work on the marriage would you still comply??
No. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
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Old 05-11-2009, 03:28 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,392,178 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
If you think your children watching you be in a miserable relationship doesn't affect them? You are clueless. You and your husband are thei example of a relationship. It's sick and twsited that you want your children to have unhealthy relationships so you can say "My children grew up in a two parent household". You people with superiority complexes chafe my hide.

You couldn't care less about your kids. You're willing to put them through living with dysfunctional parents, but not a divorce?

With your attitude, I'd like to introduce him to his next mistress.
How many times do I have to repeat that you don't have to choose to be miserable. You don't have to choose to make anyone miserable. You can accept the situation for what it is and get on with your life.

As long as we're not fighting and putting up a unified front as, far as the kids are concerned, they're not going to be miserable. No one has to make them miserable. Peaceful coexistence is an option.

I'm pretty sure this describes my mother's relationship with my step father. Either that or she just liked sleeping on the couch . As a child, I didn't care. My life was whole. I could count on the adults in my life. They didn't fight. I don't remember them ever saying a cross word to each other. I don't remember them being physical either. But life was good.

You can provide a good home for your kids without being happily married. Many people do it every day. In my case, there is a huge trust issue that stands between us and ever being in a happy relationship. I don't know if we can bridge that. Trust is huge for me. We'll see what happens.
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Old 05-11-2009, 03:37 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,392,178 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
You have done nothing wrong. That's a shocker. I'd call it a day, whether I was your husband or you, you'd both be toast. It's my opinion, and I'm stickin to it.

Of course it is not wrong to keep a marriage together, not in every case. In your case, I think it is. Again, it is your life and your family's to ruin.



Doesn't really matter why, not like it's of any value to you when you are refusing to give it any weight or have no idea yourself. Seems you are all too happy to accept his effort to make it work yet refuse to even acknowledge it. How immasculating.



Because you say so?



If you firmly believe he cannot be trusted and you stay with him, you become a willing participant. Gift wrap him now.



You really have no idea how much you contradict yourself. You either tell them/allow them to see and know all that has happened, or you keep it from them. One way you are exposing them to the nonsense, or you are leading them to believe things are not what they actually are. That is fooling them. I am simply telling you kids are not stupid. They will pick up on it at some point, if they haven't already.



Again, because YOU say so, over and over doesn't make it fact. Your perception is your reality, it isn't necessarily reality. And yes, there is plenty wrong with your perception on many counts.



If you're going to fool them, that would be the ideal way. Otherwise, you can teach them that they can have a room-mate any time without having to be married.



How dare you hypocritically defend your position ad nauseum and presume to call everyone who doesn't do what you do, selfish? Some people feel they have more morals and self-respect than to stay in your position.



Except when you have the desire to cheat. Then it is the ONLY answer.



He can't be trusted and the ball is in his court? You're willing to risk more infidelity, neglect and abuse and risk them finding out (or finding out more) - because working it out is of value to you. But you're not working anything out, you are simply co-exisiting, acting like "adults". You don't even know why he is there. Amazing.



Who are you kidding? Denial is a powerful thing, but it is not happiness. And from all I have seen you inflict here, it is painfully evident that you are not happy as a person.



Choosing to live in poverty to serve the Lord is happiness. You are not Mother Teresa. No one seeks out a life of abuse, neglect or infidelity. But they do settle for it, suck it up and accept it. Again, no glory in it. Again, denial. And again, your deal. Have at it.

I'd be a cheating, lying, non caring, no value having low life in that situation. And proud of it. As long as I behave like an adult in front of the kids, all will be fine.
Where did I say I was Mother Theresa? You're funny.

Why does it bug you so that I've decided to make the best life for my kids, and yes, staying together, provided we can be adult about it, is what's best for them. Divorce is not the only answer. It comes with a whole bunch of negatives for my kids that have to be put on the scale.

My first choice is not breaking up their family. If he finds another skirt then we break up this family. I see no benefit for my children to break it up now. They are not unhappy. Neither am I. My life is multi faceted. One dull facet doesn't a miserable life make unless you decide to let it make life miserable.

Um, if I didn't accept his effort to make it work, I wouldn't be here.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 05-11-2009 at 03:49 AM..
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Old 05-11-2009, 04:43 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 16,488,459 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Why does it bug you so that I've decided to make the best life for my kids....
It doesn't surprise me that this what you are able to surmise out of all that has been expressed. This is why I stand by my opinion that you are not an authority on anything that is remotely related to "what is best" in any area. The rest is just jibberish. And you're still a hypocrite.
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Old 05-11-2009, 04:49 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,392,178 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
It doesn't surprise me that this what you are able to surmise out of all that has been expressed. This is why I stand by my opinion that you are not an authority on anything that is remotely related to "what is best" in any area. The rest is just jibberish. And you're still a hypocrite.
A hypocrite? For what?

Yeah, I don't get why working on a marriage because you believe it's best for the kids is a bad thing to you and why it bugs you so much I'm doing it.

I'm not an expert. You don't have to be to know that divorce is bad for kids. The experts know divorce is bad for kids. This whole, unsupported, argument that kids are happy when their parents are happy is just justification for putting kids through a divorce. Especially since happiness really is a choice. You're only miserable if you choose to be miserable. I've chosen not to be. What I don't know is how this plays out. With his history, this could turn out to be a mistake. If it is, I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and move on with my life.

You're not an expert either BTW and the experts don't support your position. At least not what I've read. I've read nothing that states divorce is best for kids except in abuse situations.

It amazes me that working on a marriage because it's better for kids not to destroy their family is considered a bad thing these days. Yes, I know giving someone who cheated a second chance is risky. History, unfortunately, has a way of repeating itself. If it does, then this was a mistake. At least when I walk out, I'll know I tried.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 05-11-2009 at 05:11 AM..
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Old 05-11-2009, 05:19 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 16,488,459 times
Reputation: 9174
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Why, because you say so?
Not because I say so - because YOU do. Big difference between you and I. My opinions about you are not backed with contradictions, generalizations and fairy tales that do nothing more than punctuate my inability to cope with my personal situation. I have your words and behavior here, in black and white to back it up.

Quote:
I've never claimed perfection. I only claim I didn't cheat because I have higher morals than that. If you think that makes me superior, we'll who am I to argue with you.
Higher morals in some areas, none in others. You won't stray but you'll stoop to other unbecoming, unacceptable behavior. Funny, how a cheat is a cheat with zero morals, but there are degrees of morals when it comes to you. How do you keep up?

Again, creating the fantasy of being superior doesn't make it so. Creating the fantasy that I think you are, still doesn't make it so.

Quote:
A hypocrite? For what?

Yeah, I don't get why working on a marriage because you believe it's best for the kids is a bad thing to you and why it bugs you so much I'm doing it.
And you won't get it, you're just not capable. "Because I said so" should be more up your alley.

I really don't care about you or your marriage. I do care about children in general and how ignorance like yours will affect them. Still they're your kids, not my problem, until their upbringing interferes with my quality of life.....and it is bound to with someone down the road. But I don't expect that you'll own up to contributing to that either.

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Old 05-11-2009, 05:42 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,392,178 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
Not because I say so - because YOU do. Big difference between you and I. My opinions about you are not backed with contradictions, generalizations and fairy tales that do nothing more than punctuate my inability to cope with my personal situation. I have your words and behavior here, in black and white to back it up.



Higher morals in some areas, none in others. You won't stray but you'll stoop to other unbecoming, unacceptable behavior. Funny, how a cheat is a cheat with zero morals, but there are degrees of morals when it comes to you. How do you keep up?

Again, creating the fantasy of being superior doesn't make it so. Creating the fantasy that I think you are, still doesn't make it so.



And you won't get it, you're just not capable. "Because I said so" should be more up your alley.

I really don't care about you or your marriage. I do care about children in general and how ignorance like yours will affect them. Still they're your kids, not my problem, until their upbringing interferes with my quality of life.....and it is bound to with someone down the road. But I don't expect that you'll own up to contributing to that either.

LOL, I can say the same about people who put their kids through divorces . Just because you want to believe it's right to put a child through a divorce because you choose not to be happy unless you get one doesn't make it right.

There are reasons for putting kids through a divorce. I'm not happy doesn't cut it because you can choose to be happy.

My opinions are backed by research that says divorce is bad for kids. We know it's bad.
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