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Old 05-08-2009, 11:01 AM
 
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Default Dating After 30 For Women

I overheard a discussion some female coworkers were having about the dating scene for people over 30. One is single, the others were married or in relationships. They all agreed that dating is a lot worse for a woman over 30 than it is for a man over 30. As a male who's over 30, I didn't say anything, just listened. They talked about the double standards that exist. For example, women over 30 are penalized for their looks more than men. A woman with kids would scare off a lot of men, but a lot of women would be open to dating a man with kids. So I was curious to hear from the women here whether you agree that dating is a lot harder for a woman over 30 compared to a man over 30 and what double standards do you see being applied.

Please don't turn this into man-bashing thread. I have a female friend who says the same thing and it's hard for me to put myself in her shoes. Sometimes, I feel like she's just whining. I'm just looking for some insight.

 
Old 05-08-2009, 11:31 AM
 
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If you were looking for a job, a prospective employer would be very interested in what you had been doing in the past 10 years. This is not all that different.

When I was in my 30s, the single guys my age, had a good answer. They had invested a lot in their education followed by years of struggle, in what was then a bad economy, to get established.

At that time, very few single women of that age were of a similar background, but I imagine that this has changed somewhat. For the rest this creates problems.

Women assumed that men were too picky but there is often little in common between these groups. The field has also been picked over. I noted this when I regularly saw women who had it together but were not that good looking who had married men in top careers. Its not just a meat market - men want stability and a lack of baggage too.

Its easy to miss opportunities for marriage when you are busy with education and career and have little money. But those with other problems, addictions, nueroses and sky high expectations WILL get overlooked in their 20s. By the time a guy is in his thirties, he's experienced and wary. He's spent nearly half his life getting to this point and it can all be lost through a bad decision.

Finally, the women with kids should realize that men have had too many bad experiences with this for them to be anything more than extremely careful. Besides, do they have much in common with these women? I can't imagine this is likely.
 
Old 05-08-2009, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
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Yes, I agree. Divorced (almost) again at 46 is difficult. Luckily so far I havent had to be out there in the dating scene. My first marriage ended when I was in my 20's and dating was a piece of cake.

There is way more pressure on women to maintain the look of youth plus there are more younger women out there competing for the men 30+. I think that is the biggest issue. And definately many men dont want anything to do with a woman with kids.
Also by age 30+ women in generally have a better sense of what they want in a relationship thus are pickier. Men IMO are more inspired by looks only.
 
Old 05-08-2009, 12:45 PM
 
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Women could make the same argument about having spent their 20s in school and establishing their careers. But there does seem to be a double standard. If a man spent his 20s getting an education and working his way up the corporate ladder, people would call him a hard worker. But women who do the same are often made to feel guilty for it, often by their own families. As if passing up your prime childbearing years for the sake of your career and independence automatically makes you a bad woman. On this, I can sympathize with women cause it seems like they'll be criticized no matter what they do.

And while I agree that many men would rather not get involved with a single mother, there are some who are OK with that. The idea that you would have little in common with someone just because they have a child escapes me. They're the same person. All their likes and dislikes are still there. So if you think you have nothing in common with them, chances are you wouldn't have had anything in common even before they had kids.

What I don't agree with is that all men is fixated on looks. Yes, men focus on looks more than women. But it's also true that older men are less hung on them than younger men. As you get older, you start to realize some things matter more to you than just how someone looks.
 
Old 05-08-2009, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
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Of course not all men. I assume we are talking generalizations.
This may not be a good example, but I noticed men both when I worked in a lounge in my 20's and when I met friends at bars in my late 30's that focused on the younger women, even if they were 20 yrs older and gradually moved up the age ladder as the younger ones dismissed them. Just observation. Thus the older a women gets the harder she has to compete.

For many women there is also the sex double standard. Men think its great to have sex on the first date. Women have to weigh that time frame for intimacy. if I do he will think less of me, blah blah, if I dont blah blah. Do men have those scenarios running thru there heads before a date?

I know red has a bad taste in his mouth and I do agree there are some women exactly like he describes, but the time spent building a career is not gender specific. In my late 20-30 I got my degree, worked my way up in a good job, developed excellent credit, bought a house, etc. As far as the dating field, if Im smart, I need to find a man on a similar level that respects my accomplishments. I have found that some men will dismiss your education/career as not as important as theirs or look at it as a meal ticket.


For me personally, my kids were never an issue. My animals, sometimes.
 
Old 05-08-2009, 02:24 PM
 
Location: The Great State of Texas, Finally!
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I agree with some of the double standards. Men tend to seek younger women and this is generally more acceptable than vice versa, with some exceptions. When I was in my 20s, 30 and 40 year olds were hitting on me. In my 30s, 40 and 50 year olds were hitting on me. Guys in my age range usually fell into one of two camps: they were either already married or were divorced and burned in the past/never wanted to be married. Now in my 40s, I don't pay attention anymore because I don't date and I'm not looking for a relationship. All I would say to your over 30 friends is that dating gets more difficult the older you get.
 
Old 05-08-2009, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I never had any problems in my 30s or 40s for that matter. I'm 51 now and I'm sure if I put myself back on the market, so to speak, I wouldn't have any problems now either. In fact, I know I wouldn't. Am I gonna attract 30 and 40 year olds? No, but then, I don't want to.
 
Old 05-08-2009, 03:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Please don't turn this into man-bashing thread. I have a female friend who says the same thing and it's hard for me to put myself in her shoes. Sometimes, I feel like she's just whining. I'm just looking for some insight.

I personally found dating in my 30's to be great!

I was a bit more settled than I had been in my 20s, just more content and happy with myself. I was still young enough to hang with guys in their 20s (and often did) yet mature enough to date into the 40's. I felt like my options were pretty much open.

I had only one child, and since she was in grade school by that point it also made child-care a bit easier. I never found that having an single child was a detriment to dating, but wonder sometimes about women with 2 or 3 (or more ).

I don't usually bash men, because I like them. Perhaps that is another reason I had great "luck".
 
Old 05-08-2009, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,511 posts, read 11,674,205 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plaidmom View Post

I had only one child, and since she was in grade school by that point it also made child-care a bit easier. I never found that having an single child was a detriment to dating, but wonder sometimes about women with 2 or 3 (or more ).
I had two and as I said, I had no problems at all. But then, I didn't want to settle down again either. However, I dated a few men who wanted to keep dating me if I'd been up for it. I think it depends on the vibes you put out, are you clingy, needy, eagerly searching for someone to settle down with? It all shows, even if they're only picking it up subconciously.
 
Old 05-08-2009, 03:39 PM
 
Location: Ca2Mo2Ga2Va!
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I just don't get it. I'm 42 but think I'd do alright on the dating circuit!
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