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Old 05-09-2009, 08:38 AM
 
943 posts, read 2,027,492 times
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I know I am living a lie.

Last edited by Marka; 06-08-2009 at 11:29 AM.. Reason: per request
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Old 05-09-2009, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,020 posts, read 25,585,507 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive? View Post
I know I am living a lie.
I read your other thread too.

I can't be a fair judge for I'm not in your shoes. But I think the financial worries are the prime wedge driver between you and your man.

When that is the fulcrum, all other problems build up from there.

It would be a good idea to run through this economic meltdown, as we're already halfway into it. Happy times are waiting, the recovery can pick up any time late this year or early next year.

You might not wanna aggravate the situation.

Last edited by Marka; 06-08-2009 at 11:29 AM.. Reason: edited quote
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Old 05-09-2009, 08:53 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,506 posts, read 17,803,168 times
Reputation: 9346
This is just partly why I became what I guess is considered a heretical Christian--I just don't believe a loving God like mine would want someone to live in pain for the sake of what, a marriage that has died? If you've tried everything you can think of to fix it and it's not working, why torture yourself? I had to get out of mine. I survived the financial hardship of it and I don't feel a bit guilty. That's something man created to control each other--guilt. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I can sense your pain. I just wish I had the answer.
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Old 05-09-2009, 08:59 AM
 
943 posts, read 2,027,492 times
Reputation: 516
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colossus_Antonis View Post
I read your other thread too.

I can't be a fair judge for I'm not in your shoes. But I think the financial worries are the prime wedge driver between you and your man.

When that is the fulcrum, all other problems build up from there.

It would be a good idea to run through this economic meltdown, as we're already halfway into it. Happy times are waiting, the recovery can pick up any time late this year or early next year.

You might not wanna aggravate the situation.
I think you are right.

The financial worries are what killed things. It isnt all financial but that was the MAJOR WEDGE. Going to food pantries and dealing with social services is a spirit killer. Even though I am on check, I avoided welfare for years while eligible, it is that bad out there. And my thoughts of being alone, and dealing with them is even scarier.

Think about what 3 years of basic unemployment would do, added to disabled spouse.

What is scary is it could be even worse, but we both make some money online. Like what if I didnt have disability check?

Am hoping things do get better.
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Old 05-09-2009, 09:01 AM
 
943 posts, read 2,027,492 times
Reputation: 516
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd View Post
This is just partly why I became what I guess is considered a heretical Christian--I just don't believe a loving God like mine would want someone to live in pain for the sake of what, a marriage that has died? If you've tried everything you can think of to fix it and it's not working, why torture yourself? I had to get out of mine. I survived the financial hardship of it and I don't feel a bit guilty. That's something man created to control each other--guilt. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I can sense your pain. I just wish I had the answer.
I am going to see where things go. I do not want him to end up homeless, I do care about him enough not to want to see that. He did put in effort to end the abuse, and I think that is a good thing. He is applying for some more help and such. But yes it is very painful. One thing taht added to destruction of marriage, is LACK OF OTHER people around. Pixels on a screen and even having 30 people on Facebook, doesnt cut it. Married people NEEd others around to keep marriage going. I am just going to take time. It will either end, or love will be refound. I feel like terrible person, because this is so unlike me to even feel like walking from other person.
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Old 05-09-2009, 09:07 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,506 posts, read 17,803,168 times
Reputation: 9346
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive? View Post
I am going to see where things go. I do not want him to end up homeless, I do care about him enough not to want to see that. He did put in effort to end the abuse, and I think that is a good thing. He is applying for some more help and such. But yes it is very painful. One thing taht added to destruction of marriage, is LACK OF OTHER people around. Pixels on a screen and even having 30 people on Facebook, doesnt cut it. Married people NEEd others around to keep marriage going. I am just going to take time. It will either end, or love will be refound. I feel like terrible person, because this is so unlike me to even feel like walking from other person.
You're not a terrible person, I meant to say that in my first post. You absolutely are not. But I think he would do just fine on his own. Curbing the abuse isn't enough, it needs to stop completely and now. I postponed my divorce because I felt sorry for my husband. I finally got over that and he did just fine on his own. Please, think about yourself right now or you won't be around to think about anyone.
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Old 05-09-2009, 09:08 AM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 13,570,568 times
Reputation: 3747
You have a major decision to make: who is more important to you? You or Him? You keep making excuses for staying with him. He's a big boy. He needs to stand on his own two feet. He is NOT your child, he is NOT your responsibility. There are lots of homeless people in this world, are you going to take them all in? If he ends up homeless that is his problem. You need to take care of YOU. As long as you allow him to stay, he will never change and you are asking for everthing he does.

You are NOT being a good Christain by playing martyr and staying with an abusive man who refuses to get off his butt. btw, the Bible says "Those that don't work, don't eat."
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Old 05-09-2009, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 4,245,562 times
Reputation: 1649
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive? View Post
I know I am living a lie.
The feelings are gone, via abuse [he has been in counseling and isnt as abusive, but its the same as if he slept with 20 women in my book, the breaking of trust]I am posting this on 11th anniversary. We will go out to eat for cheaper lunch. He will probably read a book at the table and ignore me. We will spend hours each online, because the internet is more our friend then each other. We may share a few laughs and some conversation, but I feel like I am dead inside.I am not being romantic with him, it is just not in me and he doesnt care about my fears about getting pregnant being so severely disabled and with severe heart condition. {had to go off pill due to health reasons}We are both living a lie, latched on to each other for economic survival. Barely making it even together, apart financial disaster. As a Christian just bucketloads of guilt for me. It sosmetimes is worse for the person who wants to leave, rather then the one who wants relationship to survive. I feel like it is a LIE. I lost even respect for him. How do you love someone you do not respect anymore? I feel like a terrible person. He is not evil. He just never matured, he has a personality disorder. I care about him and am not into causing people pain but I am so much in pain.So tired of being told I am a bad person by the world.
There is no such thing as "isn't as abusive"...Abuse is abuse...there is no degree to it, it just is wrong and you should have gotten out immediately regardless of personality disorder. I think laying hands on another person goes further than personality disorder and you do not have to sit idly by and wait for him to "get counseling" so the abuse stops..for how long does it stop? Oh, he may stop slapping you around but then he makes up for that with his mouth or ignoring you by reading a book while you are out celebrating your anniversary. It's just way too much for anyone to have to go through let alone you with a heart issue.

If you have a severe heart condition then why in the world are you still there? Who has laid this huge guilt trip on you about leaving him? Has someone told you that a good Christian woman stays with her husband?? Well, if that husband is slapping her around and is verbally and emotionally abusing her, how long do you think it would be before the Good Lord would step in and stop him if he were here?? Come on...God didn't put any single one of us on this earth to suffer at the hands of another so LEAVE and don't look back. You need to have a place to stay where you can take care of your health and not have the added stress of all this to put more strain on your already fragile heart.

You have to have some sort of a plan in place so you can get away from him and never again look back. If you have a serious heart issue, you should be able to get on some sort of disability. Normally, disability is enough to pay rent and put food on your table. Call Social Security and find out what your options are. Next, once you have that in order, find a rent that will take someone with your financial issues...section 8 rents are not always in bad areas and I think you could find help from Social Security with that as well. Once you are in your own place, you will be able to concentrate on what is most important right now and that is your heart issues.

I know how scared you must be having a health problem. I had open heart surgery last year and it is quite an ordeal. I was diagnosed with an aneurysm that I was not aware I had...was in my aorta right next to my heart..had valve replacement as well. I am probably a bit older than you but the doctor said I had it for a very long time and it was getting bigger and had to be fixed. Stuff happens....I was scared but grateful it was found.

Good luck with all this and don't let anyone steal your happiness from you. We all deserve a life that is fulfilling, happy and full of love and right now you don't have any of those things. Time to break free and find the fresh air you so greatly desire...,good luck
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Old 05-09-2009, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,020 posts, read 25,585,507 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive? View Post
I think you are right.

The financial worries are what killed things. It isnt all financial but that was the MAJOR WEDGE. Going to food pantries and dealing with social services is a spirit killer. Even though I am on check, I avoided welfare for years while eligible, it is that bad out there. And my thoughts of being alone, and dealing with them is even scarier.

Think about what 3 years of basic unemployment would do, added to disabled spouse.

What is scary is it could be even worse, but we both make some money online. Like what if I didnt have disability check?

Am hoping things do get better.
You're not alone. There are millions in the same boat. And everyone just plays the waiting game for better times.

Such times of tragedy beg better wisdom and judgement. The financial crisis is here to stay for a while. They say recovery is only possible late this year. When you cross this crisis, that major wedge begins to loosen and you will be back to the life of 11 years of marriage.

When you guys married, you promised to stay together through good and bad times. This is the second half.

And since you mention "Christian", it's time to take up the cross and follow. Resurrection is just approaching.

Your psychological situation will worsen if he decides to leave first, I don't know what he is thinking.

Since it looks like he's been at your side, you can be at his side as he struggles with this job. Many people are struggling with their jobs, millions are jobless.

Abandoning ship might not be the best solution to the crisis. There are sharks all around . Keep the faith that a rescue ship will pass when the storm dies down. Problems are a passing cloud. If they are permanent, we will lose our smile.

I'm hoping for better times for you. Cheers

P.S: I dunno how bad the abuse factor is
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Old 05-09-2009, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 13,570,568 times
Reputation: 3747
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colossus_Antonis View Post
You're not alone. There are millions in the same boat. And everyone just plays the waiting game for better times.

Such times of tragedy beg better wisdom and judgement. The financial crisis is here to stay for a while. They say recovery is only possible late this year. When you cross this crisis, that major wedge begins to loosen and you will be back to the life of 11 years of marriage.

When you guys married, you promised to stay together through good and bad times. This is the second half.

And since you mention "Christian", it's time to take up the cross and follow. Resurrection is just approaching.

Your psychological situation will worsen if he decides to leave first, I don't know what he is thinking.

Since it looks like he's been at your side, you can be at his side as he struggles with this job. Many people are struggling with their jobs, millions are jobless.

Abandoning ship might not be the best solution to the crisis. There are sharks all around . Keep the faith that a rescue ship will pass when the storm dies down. Problems are a passing cloud. If they are permanent, we will lose our smile.

I'm hoping for better times for you. Cheers
You really need to read her other posts. He is not and has never been by her side. Staying with this very toxic person will kill her, his leaving would be the best thing for her. But he won't. Not because he's a great sacrificing humanitarian, but because he's a leach who doesn't want to work.
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