3 months into our breakup he calls to see how I am. I'm devastated

[Woof Woof Woof!]

Why are you taking his calls? It's over. If he isn't calling to ask you to get back together, don't talk to him. Tell him you can be "friends" when you're in another relationship and have moved on. Until then, no phone calls, no meetings, no emails. It's over. Good bye!

[CESpeed]

Stop remembering the good times and focus on all if the reasons why you left him. In fact, print out your post, tape it to the mirror and read it everyday.

Remember how you felt when he came home drunk and high, remember how you felt when he told you how disrespectful you were being to him in YOUR home.

Good Luck

[crossing over]

Originally Posted by CESpeed

Stop remembering the good times and focus on all if the reasons why you left him. In fact, print out your post, tape it to the mirror and read it everyday.

Remember how you felt when he came home drunk and high, remember how you felt when he told you how disrespectful you were being to him in YOUR home.

Good Luck

Yes, this scared the %$#@ out of me, what did the man mean by that? If this were his house, then I was supposed to keep my mouth shut as a sign of RESPECT? For the house (money?). That kind of judgement is so bemusing I couldn't respond when I heard it.

Or what does all this mean, and why am I so stuck and going over and over the whole thing?

And he didn't even apologize or say he understands, he is waiting for me to come around by the looks of it.

[CESpeed]

Originally Posted by crossing over

Yes, this scared the %$#@ out of me, what did the man mean by that? If this were his house, then I was supposed to keep my mouth shut as a sign of RESPECT? For the house (money?). That kind of judgement is so bemusing I couldn't respond when I heard it.

Or what does all this mean, and why am I so stuck and going over and over the whole thing?

And he didn't even apologize or say he understands, he is waiting for me to come around by the looks of it.

You are stuck because you became emotionally invested in the relationship. Until you truly let go and move on, you'll stay there. That's why I said stop thinking about the good times.

You are under no obligation to speak to him. He is arrogant and thinks that he's got you hooked. As someone mentioned, which is really good - do not accept his phone calls. If you pick-up the phone and it's him, remind him that he doesn't want a girlfriend he has to work problems out with. Then hang-up.

[Connecticut Pam]

That was quite a long post and hopefully I can remember most of it. For the most part, it appears that your ex has a substance abuse issue and if he says he doesn't then he is only fooling himself. You did the right thing breaking it off with him. I was married to a man who had a substance abuse issue and it was pure hell for the 12 years I stayed with him...and I had a child as well.

Let me tell you about how my life and alcohol and drugs was and perhaps you will run from this man and keep on running. My ex took me away from my family to live in the state of Maine which is about 400 miles from where I am now. I loved it up there and made friends fast but soon began to notice that once he was around all his friends he started to drink more and smoke pot as well. I tried real hard to not say anything to him but we never had any money, he wouldn't work, and we had a child together. He would disappear for days on drinking binges and I never knew if he was alive or dead. The police were always knocking on my door looking for him because he also did some dealing as well back then. Gosh, I got so tired of seeing the Maine State Police at my door and they have to be the biggest men I have ever met...filled up the whole door with their presence. Oh.....lets not forget that while my ex was doing all his drinking and smoking dope, he was also chasing other women...had at least 5 on the side I knew of and one was his best friend's wife!! Nice guy.

At one point, this drunkard tried to make me think that I was going insane so he could report me to the State and take my son from me...didn't work, I caught on to his game. THEN he decides my 8 year old son needs to go away for the summer to visit HIS friends in up state New York...yet another plan to get my son away from me...I made him take me there to get my child using all kinds of threats to tell who he was dealing drugs to at that time..it was a mess. Most of this was caused from drugs and alcohol.

Finally, we agreed to separate and he took off and told me he was going further North to stay with his brother for a while..I didn't care, he was making me insane with his behavior. A few days passed and I get a phone call from one of the "neighbors" where his brother lived. My ex had run off with this married woman who I had suspected he was cheating with anyhow...her husband called me to tell me. Come to find out, he took off with her and went to Georgia. This is all I needed. I packed everything that wasn't nailed down and left him. I came home to Connecticut.

Look, all this happened almost 30 years ago, but the story is very much the same as yours. Do not go back with this man...his violent outburst scares me even more than the alcohol and drugs do. This is a recipe for a disaster and you surely don't want that. Move on, find new interests and stop dwelling on this miserable person..you don't need this in your life.

Good luck......and please don't take him back...you will find someone who will treat you so much better I am sure of it.

[Ellis Bell]

Originally Posted by crossing over

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's been very difficult for me not to initiate contact after breaking up with him, but in the back of my mind I knew I had made the right decision.
Now he calls to see 'if I'm ok' and whether I still do not regret telling him to leave the house and I can't stop crying, it's like all the pain that I felt over the reasons to dump him is finally expressing itself. And I'm becoming insecure. Guess if I'd heard he's back to the dating scene or something it would have been easier, but to hear him say that he still loves me and he only remembers the good times is making me question my clear head 3 months ago.

Although, to be honest, the thing I fear the most is fear. And I was experiencing that while being with him. What happened basically was that when I met him he had a drinking problem he did not mention. I discovered myself after a 2 day binge he had and got very pissed off, wanted to walk away. (Being scared to lose me) he said he had never wanted to admit having a problem to himself (he's 35) but now he sees it and he's going to change that and I should not promise him anything, just hang around to SEE how well he's handling it. He saw a counselor 3 times but then stopped because the counselor had told him to stay away from all alcohol and he said that was silly and absurd, the counselor is stupid and can't tell the difference between an alcoholic and a person who likes to drink every once in a while...

I didn't like that he seemed to minimize the whole deal but I said let's wait and see. IN the meanwhile everything else was going well and he suggested moving in together. He moved into my place and we had a couple of perfect, perfect months. Then he starts going back to his country every 4 months 'for business'. There he also saw his friends and drank a lot (from Friday to Sunday I only received 1-2 text messages after 6-7 pm, when his head was a little clear I suspect).
I figured, it's not uncommon, men get drunk every once in a while, he has no friends over here, so give the man a break, although my heart was shrinking knowing he doesn't have the sense of measure. Until he breaks the news that at one of these parties other substances were involved too ... the hard stuff.
At that point I explain what my problems with that are and that I don't like that and don't want to have to deal with something like that. He says it was just once, 'for the ol' times' sake' (????!!!??!!) and that I shouldn't worry as they all know their limits and anyway I don't know the first thing about that so my comments are not realistic and my panic is unecessary.

4 months later, it happens again. And then, 3 months later, because 'it was available', he did it again, but 'it was not like he had a problem with it'.
Before he left for this last trip I told him I would not call him, will only wait for him to call if he finds the time. All the thoughts and ideas and prospects of me lulling a potential baby 5 years from then thinking whether daddy will come back in one piece got to me, and did not get counterbalanced by his phone calls or messages, which were short and rare.

When upon arriving back I saw that what I suspected had happened, I told him I know my limits and I am incapable to put up with that and I want him to tell me there and then if he can commit to never repeat that kind of partying technique. He went out of his mind, saying I cannot speak to him like that, I cannot tell him what to do, that if this was his house (!!) I would not have the nerve to speak to him like that, that I know nothing about life and having fun, that I'd basically like him to live a dull life and do nothing else than hang around me, which was untrue and besides the point.

I waited for another 3 days to see whether he had just lost his temper or what was he thinking and his behaviour worsened, he began to insult me and also say that he wants a girlfriend that he can enjoy life with, not work problems out with... So I told him the wise thing to do is for us to go our separte ways and he can take as much time as he needs to relocate.

Of course I left out all the good things, the laughter, how well we were together about anything that was not about me and him), the love (I know he loves me... in his way), the nice plans for the future he had crayoned...

Now he's saying the splitting up surely can't have been over what I called it, 'was that enough to destroy 2 lives?' and I'm responding that my wishes and concerns were dismissed and that he made a game of power out of my love for him, which is not right.

Please say some words to help me see clear again, I don't know what to do with myself. I left the house door unlocked, forgot where I parked my car and gave up looking for it, took the tube and cried all the way home.
How can you marry a guy who does that and acts so selfishly? Now I'm young and beautiful and would've done anythink to make him happy, I feel that he should've done more with that than what he did.

Then why is my heart aching?

You love the idea of him and the idea of a him and you together, that is why your heart is aching. The idea and what actually is, are two separate things.

I've had this happen to me, long before Internet...so I will tell you what my friends told me,

"Trust your first instinct."

You fear, because your instinct tells you, you should be.

The flight or fight, gives a person a choice on how they are capable of handling the fear.

Time allows us to put our decisions into perspective. The shorter the time, the less of a perspective.