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I need to disagree with some of your point (I will try to be nice ):
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
I agree.
#1 applies to me. made too many excuses for poor character. As I got older, the bad traits got more intolerable. Not saying I am perfect, but he has serious problems.
You may want to include common moral values to that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
I think one reason marriages fail, is because partners GROW apart.
Are we the same people at age 40 that we are at age 25.
I could handle husbands temper--he wasnt abusive then though it was red flag stuff, obessesion with rock music--I liked it too then, and more rebellious ways-=-I was too when young.
They separate their lives from one another - marriage is a union which NOTHING should get between - she should be with him on his bowling night and he should be with her on her poetry night.
When you start breaking away from one another to do things - it is separating your marriage. If you need time alone go fishing or window shopping ALONE or with family members (include your own relatives if they aren't destructive to your own marriage).
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
But I got older and with health problems I am not same person anymore. I look at him and same things that attracted me when I was young now bother me. He did not change and grow at all. Think of 45 year old man taht still sits around with his guitar with rock n roll dreams. He still dresses grunge. I have been horrified and I think with good reason. I have been silent a lot. One cannot demand a person go get a new personality.
I feel like he wants to force me to be who I was in my 20s. I am not. He even started calling me Ms. Grundy {character of Archie comics} because I wanted to be responsible about money and live much more sedate life, that was necessary due to my health.
Really it is no ones fault, maybe he feels he got a bad bill of goods too and rightly so. He did not think his artistic goth wife, would become a Christian and become more old fashioned and "staid" with age. I have even tried to tell him, You are FREE to Go, earlier on, because of my health, but he is latched on.
I also take responsiblity for my bad decisions, wanting someone who was FUN rather then stable. Being charmed into the whole music/ rebel thing. Well the fun is over, when push comes to shove, people need mature partners who will buck up. I feel I did everything I could to help him. But right now we are two drowning victims {Not just his problems but my own} coming together to form one giant mess.
Here is mya dvice..
1. Make sure to marry someone who is KIND, first and foremost.
2. Examine their other relationships, do they have close stable friendships? Do they get along with others? thats pushing it a bit - my wife and I do not get along with others - most of my communication with the outside world is on the forums I haunt. We don't need much of those outside interferences - we made each other the center of our lives - not the girls at the salon or the fellas on the boat ramp.
3. Make sure they are MATURE.
4. Examine their CHARACTER. Do they keep their word? Do they have integrity?
5. Do not sacrifice things you love, for even married partner, taht can bit you in the butt, that includes communities you love, way of life you desire, etc etc.
6. Marry someone of same spriitual beliefs. {I married him before I converted to another religion} If partners do not have similar worldview things will crack up.
7. Watch them when they get angry, do they start smashing stuff, punching walls, going nuts, screaming about how every boss, friend, relative did them wrong? Run like hell if they even break one thing. I wish I had.
8. If you are a broken person, with abuse history, severe health problems, alcohol or drug problems, or any other stuff, think seriously hard before marrying. Broken people can easily attract other broken people and together it is like dynamite. Try and seek your own recovery. If you do start to heal, the marriage will break up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
9. Ask what a parnter can offer your life? Some may say that is selfish but something to serious consider.
10. Realize romantic love is based on a lot of delusions, follow head instead of heart. {cable jockeys post here totally applies}
IF you have to ask THAT- you are placing social conditions on your relationship - social conditions can cause a riff in personal relationships
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
11. Invest in other relationships, think twice about moving away from family and friends, do not allow self to be led by nose by marriage partner. They cannot fulfill all needs.
EVEN MY WIFE KNEW that if we were to live near her mother - we would have been doomed.
IF you can not follow your partner - it is NOT a partnership
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
12. This may be controversial, marry only if you plan to have children. Marriage really is for children. I could not have children and more and more see no reason for my marriage to have exsited in the first place. I should have wondered about a man who physically could have children but choose to marry someone who could not have them, knowing it going in.
Can we say CONDITIONAL RELATIONSHIP?
I am very ANTI abortion - but IF it came down to my wife of the baby ... we can ALWAYS get another baby even if we have to adopt - my wife is totally IRREPLACEABLE.
If YOUR love is not worth getting married for - whats the sense of waisting time with you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
13. If you are a woman especially awlays keep running money. Even if the marriage is happy, the man could come home one day, and be having an affair and tell you its over.
14. Always make sure to have your own finances. The most dangerous place to be is at stay at home mother with no job skills whose husband abandons you. In my case thank God for social security disability.
Hiding money from your spouse is deceitful .
That is the foundation of your perfect marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
15. This society puts too much burden on marriage, and people expect far too much of it. Romantic love does die with years. Some people if they have God and true love and maturity can make it work, but I think a good marriage is becoming rarer and rarer. Especially if one finds themselves married to someone of poor character, it can be a nightmare.
16. Only marry if you can supprot yourself and stand on your own if you were not married. hard to explain, but I mean this one.
17. Some people need to realize some marriages die a natural death.
18. I never thought society was still so pressuring and stigmitizing about divorce, until I was in divorce shoes. I am glad I never judged any divorced people in my life and always understood things happen.
Best of luck, to you all. Bad marriages are painful.
Thank God I wasn't married to you!
You have put so many land mines in your conditions to marriage that there is NO WAY to find unconditional love in it.
In all the bad marriages I know of, one or both made serious mistakes going in:
1. Ignored major personality short-comings like possessive, jealous, controlling or abusive traits.
2. Got involved emotionally/sexually too quickly, got married, and later realized they have nothing in common.
3. Had wildly unrealistic expectations and failed to discuss them beforehand.
4. Pretended to be someone they're not to get the guy/girl and then let their real selves show after the wedding.
5. Failed to continue to do the things after the wedding that made their spouse fall in love with them in the first place.
On the other hand I've seen couples who communicated well and married for the right reasons successfully overcome life-altering issues together like: serious illness, death of loved ones, and childhood sexual abuse. And it only brought them closer.
So I think there are a few things you need to do to have a successful marriage (those who are happily married, please correct me if I'm wrong).
1. Marry a close friend, preferably someone who has seen you through or who you've seen through some hard times. Don't just marry someone who you have a good time with when everything is fine.
2. Marry someone you have a lot in common with especially things that are very important to you both.
3. Discuss everything that could possibly have a significant impact on your marriage, BEFORE you tie the knot. This includes your expectations, dreams, goals, and desires.
4. Make sure both you and your prospective spouse are open to each others concerns and willing to work on problems together. Instead of using destructive techniques like arguing, belittling, nagging and withholding to try to get your own way.
5. Agree beforehand to put each others interests and needs ahead of your own. The aim here is to create a positive loop of giving what the other person needs. Rather than a negative loop where you try to take what you need from them.
6. Remember that marriage is a union. It requires the dedication of both to be successful, but only one to destroy it.
WRONG.
This whole posts reads like someone who has never been married.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,000,387 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by cuinlalaland
In all the bad marriages I know of, one or both made serious mistakes going in:
1. Ignored major personality short-comings like possessive, jealous, controlling or abusive traits.
2. Got involved emotionally/sexually too quickly, got married, and later realized they have nothing in common.
3. Had wildly unrealistic expectations and failed to discuss them beforehand.
4. Pretended to be someone they're not to get the guy/girl and then let their real selves show after the wedding.
5. Failed to continue to do the things after the wedding that made their spouse fall in love with them in the first place.
On the other hand I've seen couples who communicated well and married for the right reasons successfully overcome life-altering issues together like: serious illness, death of loved ones, and childhood sexual abuse. And it only brought them closer.
So I think there are a few things you need to do to have a successful marriage (those who are happily married, please correct me if I'm wrong).
1. Marry a close friend, preferably someone who has seen you through or who you've seen through some hard times. Don't just marry someone who you have a good time with when everything is fine.
2. Marry someone you have a lot in common with especially things that are very important to you both.
3. Discuss everything that could possibly have a significant impact on your marriage, BEFORE you tie the knot. This includes your expectations, dreams, goals, and desires.
4. Make sure both you and your prospective spouse are open to each others concerns and willing to work on problems together. Instead of using destructive techniques like arguing, belittling, nagging and withholding to try to get your own way.
5. Agree beforehand to put each others interests and needs ahead of your own. The aim here is to create a positive loop of giving what the other person needs. Rather than a negative loop where you try to take what you need from them.
6. Remember that marriage is a union. It requires the dedication of both to be successful, but only one to destroy it.
(re: last statement) Whoa! No. LOL Marriage isn't a one-sided coin. This sounds a lot like either someone who's in denial or refuses to accept responsibility for their part in the marriage.
As for the rest, marriage isn't cut from a mold and there's no one formula that works for all.
In all the bad marriages I know of, one or both made serious mistakes going in:
1. Ignored major personality short-comings like possessive, jealous, controlling or abusive traits.
2. Got involved emotionally/sexually too quickly, got married, and later realized they have nothing in common.
3. Had wildly unrealistic expectations and failed to discuss them beforehand.
4. Pretended to be someone they're not to get the guy/girl and then let their real selves show after the wedding.
5. Failed to continue to do the things after the wedding that made their spouse fall in love with them in the first place.
On the other hand I've seen couples who communicated well and married for the right reasons successfully overcome life-altering issues together like: serious illness, death of loved ones, and childhood sexual abuse. And it only brought them closer.
So I think there are a few things you need to do to have a successful marriage (those who are happily married, please correct me if I'm wrong).
1. Marry a close friend, preferably someone who has seen you through or who you've seen through some hard times. Don't just marry someone who you have a good time with when everything is fine.
2. Marry someone you have a lot in common with especially things that are very important to you both.
3. Discuss everything that could possibly have a significant impact on your marriage, BEFORE you tie the knot. This includes your expectations, dreams, goals, and desires.
4. Make sure both you and your prospective spouse are open to each others concerns and willing to work on problems together. Instead of using destructive techniques like arguing, belittling, nagging and withholding to try to get your own way.
5. Agree beforehand to put each others interests and needs ahead of your own. The aim here is to create a positive loop of giving what the other person needs. Rather than a negative loop where you try to take what you need from them.
6. Remember that marriage is a union. It requires the dedication of both to be successful, but only one to destroy it.
ok it seems like you guys have gone way into left field. first off you can't put conditions into marriage, how is it a partnership when u both collectively can't do things together??? at the same time a co-dependency relationship isn't always the healthiest, both partners should be able to stand on there own two feet as a sign of inner strength and independence, not because they predict the end is near, and I agree there definately isn't enough sex in marriages, which is a cause of the passion dying out over the years and whose fault is that it's ours, because we lose touch with our partners needs, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
* Women will not give enough sex
* Women will not allow their husbands to go to sports bars with friends and have a life outside of them
It is the equivalent of being in a prison
What if it's the man who won't give enough sex?
And the man who doesn't want his wife to have a life outside of the marriage?
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