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Sociological studies aside, I have to conclude over 20 adult years of observing couples that most men don't really like their wives and their state of being married. Importantly, this doesn't mean that many of these men want to be single- it means that they are distinctly in a lesser of two evils situation (or perceive themselves as such.)
By anecdote I have the following observations:
10% of (married) men I believe are truly happily married. They have the right mix of often nebulous qualities and have come upon a women of compatible temper.
30% of men are custodial cases. They are perhaps unattractive but good providers or they're essentially Momma's boys: they are basically helpless without a woman to keep them in line either physically or psychologically. This includes men who will tend toward drinking or gambling but are kept in line by the threats and entreaties of the wife. These marriages almost never end in divorce unless there is violence.
30% of men are house eunuchs. There are two basic forms of these men: they absolutely hate being alone (lonely) and/or they need to be needed in order to feel worth. Marriages like this are at high risk for co-dependent pathologies; indeed, this psychology always exists to one degree or another with this type.
30% of men are trophy hunters. Their marriage is substantially a mirage in terms of depth and substance. The husband and wife are shallow people basically looking for appearances: the husband wants a hot wife to show off to his friends (along with career, expensive car, nice home, toys, etc) and the wife wants material things and a stable home for kids. The best known examples are mega rich guys but you'll see this theme type somewhat among upper middle class and even some "poor" artist types. It's like they're living a shell of a life. Yet, like all shallow arrangements, this leads only to unhappiness or a nagging dissatisfaction in the end. The husband's "possession" ends up owning him, literally and figuratively. Divorce is higher among this type- and at very high financial cost of course to the man.
There are of course mixes and confabulations of the latter three categories but there will tend to be a dominate character for the purpose of labeling.
Which leads me to a more important point: why do men fall into these traps? Girls grow up dreaming of a husband, kids, and a home. Boys grow up just wanting to get laid. While a simplification, there is at its base an enormous and ugly truth:This need to get laid drives men to enormous compromises compared to the women.
My conversations with married men over the years ground so much of my thinking. I rarely ask buddies about this directly- it's the indirect things that they say that tell me of how they feel (metaphorically) castrated and chained and basically unhappy yet hapless and helpless. Some are frank enough to admit that they NEED the wife even though they don't really in the end like her or the arrangement and its burdens.
(Perhaps some female posters can reflect a mirror image of this?)
Sociological studies aside, I have to conclude over 20 adult years of observing couples that most men don't really like their wives and their state of being married. Importantly, this doesn't mean that many of these men want to be single- it means that they are distinctly in a lesser of two evils situation (or perceive themselves as such.)
By anecdote I have the following observations:
10% of (married) men I believe are truly happily married. They have the right mix of often nebulous qualities and have come upon a women of compatible temper.
30% of men are custodial cases. They are perhaps unattractive but good providers or they're essentially Momma's boys: they are basically helpless without a woman to keep them in line either physically or psychologically. This includes men who will tend toward drinking or gambling but are kept in line by the threats and entreaties of the wife. These marriages almost never end in divorce unless there is violence.
30% of men are house eunuchs. There are two basic forms of these men: they absolutely hate being alone (lonely) and/or they need to be needed in order to feel worth. Marriages like this are at high risk for co-dependent pathologies; indeed, this psychology always exists to one degree or another with this type.
30% of men are trophy hunters. Their marriage is substantially a mirage in terms of depth and substance. The husband and wife are shallow people basically looking for appearances: the husband wants a hot wife to show off to his friends (along with career, expensive car, nice home, toys, etc) and the wife wants material things and a stable home for kids. The best known examples are mega rich guys but you'll see this theme type somewhat among upper middle class and even some "poor" artist types. It's like they're living a shell of a life. Yet, like all shallow arrangements, this leads only to unhappiness or a nagging dissatisfaction in the end. The husband's "possession" ends up owning him, literally and figuratively. Divorce is higher among this type- and at very high financial cost of course to the man.
There are of course mixes and confabulations of the latter three categories but there will tend to be a dominate character for the purpose of labeling.
Which leads me to a more important point: why do men fall into these traps? Girls grow up dreaming of a husband, kids, and a home. Boys grow up just wanting to get laid. While a simplification, there is at its base an enormous and ugly truth:This need to get laid drives men to enormous compromises compared to the women.
My conversations with married men over the years ground so much of my thinking. I rarely ask buddies about this directly- it's the indirect things that they say that tell me of how they feel (metaphorically) castrated and chained and basically unhappy yet hapless and helpless. Some are frank enough to admit that they NEED the wife even though they don't really in the end like her or the arrangement and its burdens.
(Perhaps some female posters can reflect a mirror image of this?)
Perhaps you are missing other part of that equation.
Grant the fact that I am not schooled as you apparently are. However; in general men have learned to adapt to which every group of female companionship will accept them.
What you have described does not describe my situation what so ever (except for the truly content husband)
Most people simply bail out of marriages because people have gotten too far away from UNCONDITIONAL relationships.
I am a fortunate old fool who found just that ... but then again it took marrying an immigrant
Your data is flawed--your analysis of it is skewed by bias. Trust the sociological studies because they are far more accurate than your anecdotal observations.
Your data is flawed--your analysis of it is skewed by bias. Trust the sociological studies because they are far more accurate than your anecdotal observations.
Men just want to get laid, you say? Well, wouldn't getting married tend to guarantee he has a partner, rather than having to hunt someone new? But perhaps there are emotional or psychological needs being met by a partner, or maybe he needs someone to provide security for him while HE sleeps...
I think the biggest gripe that married, or even attached, men have is the lack of autonomy. Their wives expect to have input on a lot of things in their man's life. If a woman is feeling ill, and the man wants to go out--what happens? Does she go out anyway, even though she's sick and resent him? Does she let him go out by himself, and trust he's not hunting up "fresh meat"? Or does she expect him to sit at home and be miserable with her?
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