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Old 05-12-2009, 05:47 PM
 
9 posts, read 20,922 times
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Hello,

This is my first post here and I'd really like some honest and unbiased advise. I have been married to my husband for 6 years now but our sex life is non existent. He has always had a low libido, but it has got worse over the last year or so.

Last year, I decided to stop initiating sex as he never did. I wanted him to seduce me and be romantic (a man should do this and know these things) but he never does and our sex life has died.

I can't help but think its me because I've gained a lot of weight and this hasn't helped my self esteem, but he won't admit this and says its not because of me (he has depression and severe back pain). I just don't feel loved or wanted anymore and have threatened to call it quits so many times.

I don't know what to do anymore. A while ago he suggested marriage councelling but I see that as the end. Besides, he should KNOW what to do to fix this, as in seduce his wife and initiate sex.

Any advise would be welcome. I feel so alone.
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Old 05-12-2009, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,736,370 times
Reputation: 14499
He is not a mind reader. You are expecting him to just know what he "should" do. Maybe he doesn't. Different people see things in different ways.

Here's an example from my life. I need touch to feel loved. Without it, I feel unwanted and unattractive. My husband doesn't show love through touch. He's into gifts. He puts a lot of thought into those gifts. To me, they were just trinkets. One thing that came out in marriage counseling, when we nearly divorced two years ago, was that my, non inthusiastic, reaction to one of his gifts was the final straw for him. (It was a very expensive necklace but I never wore jewelry so it was, ok, that's nice and into the jewelry box)

It was then that I realized how much he meant by those gifts. So, now I wear them and touch them a lot. Sadly, even after being told that touch is my preferred method for showing affection, he still heads for the jewelry store but knowing what he means by the gifts he gives helps a lot. It's not the meaning I place on what he gives me that matters but the meaning he places on them.

Go to counseling. Sounds like the two of you need to learn how to read each other.
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Old 05-12-2009, 05:54 PM
 
13,496 posts, read 13,990,748 times
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I read somewhere where there are lots of marriages that are sexless so you are not alone there. from what you describe it sounds like back pain and depression would be a contributing factor. has he gone to the doctor for it. I would start there, if you are worried it is your weight, try to get into better shape. could you seduce him? it shouldn't always be the man that does the seducing. perhaps he wishes the same thing. a counsler is not the "end" if he wants to go that means he cares enough to try to save your marriage, you saying no is telling him you don't care. have you tried going away on the week ends, date nights? if you think you would be happier divorced than you should never stay in a marriage and be miserable. i would try all else before divorcing if you love one another. good luck to you
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:12 PM
 
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Yes, he has been to the doc but it hasn't helped. No, we don't go out because we are both unhappy in our town. As a man he should know how to seduce me. Its not rocket science and he clearly has no will or game, or doesn't want to be a man and tell me that my weight is the real problem (instead of making lame excuses). I do not want to go to councelling. For starters, we cannot afford it. I've told him to buy a book or something. I've told him I am tired of living as roommates.
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:14 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,352 posts, read 15,869,635 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by abracadabra123 View Post
I've told him I am tired of living as roommates.
Why don't you buy the book?
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:20 PM
 
9 posts, read 20,922 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by akck View Post
Why don't you buy the book?
I'm not the one with the problem!!
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:22 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,736,370 times
Reputation: 14499
Quote:
Originally Posted by abracadabra123 View Post
I'm not the one with the problem!!
That depends on what the problem is. If it's his depression and his back problems then you don't have the problem. If it's your weight, then you do. I don't know how much weight you're talking about but could you do something to get in better shape?
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:23 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,226 posts, read 2,474,865 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by abracadabra123 View Post
Yes, he has been to the doc but it hasn't helped. No, we don't go out because we are both unhappy in our town. As a man he should know how to seduce me. Its not rocket science and he clearly has no will or game, or doesn't want to be a man and tell me that my weight is the real problem (instead of making lame excuses). I do not want to go to councelling. For starters, we cannot afford it. I've told him to buy a book or something. I've told him I am tired of living as roommates.
I hope I am not bringing down the wrath of the women her on C-D.

Hun if you think your extra bits might be part of the problem, why not do something about it? If nothing else you will not have that doubt in your mind. Chronic pain can be an erection and drive killer for sure. Unless you are into that kind of thing pain is not hot. Talk with him about positions that will be easier for him to handle. Be suggestive in front of him solo. If he doesn't join in at least you get to enjoy it. Before too long I think even a gay man would have to give it a go watching that regularly.
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:25 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,237 posts, read 72,472,599 times
Reputation: 47456
1 in 3 americans is obese.
the american mind set. when you marry you can forget body, bek now they will know what a fantastic character you have and will no longer have any use for physical appearances.
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:33 PM
 
9 posts, read 20,922 times
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I am over the 300lb mark and I will admit to letting myself go, but that's what lhappens when you get married. Part of the problem is that I have a husband that won't seduce me, so my self esteem is bad. Even when we did do it he was so bad at it anyway. That's why I told him to buy a book and learn. Why should I lose weight for him anyway? If he feels that way about my appearance, why doesn't he just tell me instead of being such a coward???
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