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Everyone looking in would think we have the perfect little family. Married for 15 years with 4 kids, 12, 10, 8, 2. We were married young, neither of us ever lived on our own, thought we were going to kill each other that first year of marriage trying to adjust. Have dealt with husband drinking, drugs, and staying out late or all night for most of the 15 years. Wasn't aware of the drug problem, until a relative brought it to my attention. Apparently during some of these all night outings there were some indiscretions with other women that I just recently found out about. We have also had to deal with his temper. He has threathened to hurt himself in attempt to get my sympathy. Just recently he put his hand through a window and the police were called by a neighbor. I have never feared that he is going to hurt me or the kids. He feels love my being close and intimate, and sometimes doesn't stop at no, this leaves me with a great deal of resentment. Through the 15 years I always have accepted his apology and went on. Now here I am 15 years into a marriage wondering if I can keep going. I had a breif affair and he does know about it. I am not making excuses for myself. It was a terrible thing, something I would never have thought I could do, and would never wish it upon anyone. When I think of the future at this point I don't see us together. I feel like we don't bring out the best in each other, although he swears to change. I love him and want the best for him, but I am emotionally exhausted and just want peace and happiness at this point. I don't want to keep dragging things on and end up hating each other. I want to be able to be friends for our kids. Do I put on a happy face and keep going for the kids. I think they deserve happy parents too, even if that is being apart. So confused, any advice would be appreciated. We have been to some marriage counseling, but it doesn't seem to help.
Granted, it's just my opinion, but what you described I wouldn't call a "marriage".
I'm not one who would stay together "for the kids" as I'd want my kids to see what a real relationship should "look like". How a man should really treat a woman (and vise-versa). It really does go a long way in showing them how to have a healthy relationship, what to look for in a partner, etc.
Best of luck to you.
Last edited by canibeyou; 05-13-2009 at 02:48 PM..
Reason: styl kan't tipe
Granted, it's just my opinion, but what you described I wouldn't call a "marriage".
I'm not one who would stay together "for the kids" as I'd want my kids to see what a real relationship should "look like". How a man should really treat a woman (and vise-versa). It really does go a long way in showing them how to have a healthy relationship, what to look for in a partner, etc.
Best of luck to you.
The problem with this theory is it doesn't match what research finds. Children of divorce have more relationship issues than children whose parents stay together. What they seem to learn is that you move on when things get hard.
I think that if you can't live peacefully under the same roof then you need to go your separate ways. If you try to stay together for the sake of the children, but you and your husband really can't stand each other/it's not working between the two of you, then I don't think you should. The children will pick up on things, even if you think you're doing a superb job of hiding the cracks in the relationship.
A lot of people seem to think that children will not grow up happy if they're parents are not married and perfect. Staying together may do more harm than good though, especially if you and your husband continue to have bad moments in front of the children.
My parents split when I was a kid and they continue to be friends (thought the actual divorce process was a bit rough between them). If they had stayed together I don't think I'd be as happy as I was growing up.
If you do decide to split though, I think it is important that you let your children know that it's between you and their father, and not because of them.
Before you do anything though, maybe you should get a marriage counselor or something, and at least try to work out some of the issues.
The problem with this theory is it doesn't match what research finds. Children of divorce have more relationship issues than children whose parents stay together. What they seem to learn is that you move on when things get hard.
It was my opinion... based on perceptions in my life. Suffice it to say, it'll be different for other people's lives.
Last edited by canibeyou; 05-13-2009 at 04:13 PM..
And NEVER under estimate the power of children's perception. You may think they don't notice things, but they notice more than you think. They develop personality traits that they see/ experience. If Daddy doesn't lovingly hug Mommy or kiss her cheek in the kitchen... and basic (no-sexual) things like that, than little Johnny grows up not knowing to do those things as well.
Last edited by canibeyou; 05-13-2009 at 04:14 PM..
Exactly! You've both cheated on each other so you're both in the wrong. Your marriage sounds toxic and even if you dont ever fight in front of the kids, they still: see the occassional dirty look, hear the "stone silences", notice the missed opportunities for hugs and kisses. "It's moms birthday--why doesn't daddy hug her?"
Everyone looking in would think we have the perfect little family. Married for 15 years with 4 kids, 12, 10, 8, 2. We were married young, neither of us ever lived on our own, thought we were going to kill each other that first year of marriage trying to adjust. Have dealt with husband drinking, drugs, and staying out late or all night for most of the 15 years. Wasn't aware of the drug problem, until a relative brought it to my attention. Apparently during some of these all night outings there were some indiscretions with other women that I just recently found out about. We have also had to deal with his temper. He has threathened to hurt himself in attempt to get my sympathy. Just recently he put his hand through a window and the police were called by a neighbor. I have never feared that he is going to hurt me or the kids. He feels love my being close and intimate, and sometimes doesn't stop at no, this leaves me with a great deal of resentment. Through the 15 years I always have accepted his apology and went on. Now here I am 15 years into a marriage wondering if I can keep going. I had a breif affair and he does know about it. I am not making excuses for myself. It was a terrible thing, something I would never have thought I could do, and would never wish it upon anyone. When I think of the future at this point I don't see us together. I feel like we don't bring out the best in each other, although he swears to change. I love him and want the best for him, but I am emotionally exhausted and just want peace and happiness at this point. I don't want to keep dragging things on and end up hating each other. I want to be able to be friends for our kids. Do I put on a happy face and keep going for the kids. I think they deserve happy parents too, even if that is being apart. So confused, any advice would be appreciated. We have been to some marriage counseling, but it doesn't seem to help.
Your kids don't deserve this mess! Your husband has issues, that he needs to work out. You also have issues, in that you had an affair, that you need to work out. Life is too short, and your kids, need you, to be strong and focused. I think you need to separate, for a time, and allow your husband to get some help. I would probably offer different advice, if you were just "bored" of marriage, with young kids, but this situation, is clearly not that. Don't get stuck in a rut, don't make excuses, set some clear goals, objectives, none of this, back and forth binge stuff, on your husband's part, or, your part (affair). In the end, someone will, and may, get hurt. Uh, namely You regarding an affair. Although you say your husband knows, don't think for one minute, this knowledge isn't tucked away for use as ammunition later. Think of your kids. It's hard enough to raise kids, let alone, having to deal with nonsense. Separate for a time.
Please don't stay in a marriage "for the kids." It's a delusion -- this idea that somehow you're doing your children a favor. You're not. Oh, sure. Maybe there's more financial security. But what the kids are really doing is absorbing your dysfunction and disrespect...the disrespect their parents have for each other, and for themselves. They're watching and learning, and figuring out how to behave. After all, kids normally mimic the behavior of their same-sex parent. So if you're the wife and you're staying with a man who has drinking or abuse issues, then what you're transmitting loud and clear to your children is that you have no self-respect. Because the fact is that a person who HAS self-respect doesn't stay in a situation that is dangerous, careless, hurtful, or demeaning. If you're a husband and you're staying in a lousy marriage with a woman you don't love and may not even like and don't treat well, what you're transmitting loud and clear is that you don't respect women.
Any way you slice it, if you stay in a miserable/failed marriage "for the kids," you're going to be showing those kids the worst side of your personality. There IS no such thing as a happy face in this situation. Kids are NOT stupid. They are disconcertingly astute, and even when their conscious minds fail to comprehend, their UNCONSCIOUS minds are absorbing and learning and filing away. Children deserve to have happy, healthy, functioning, responsible, self-respecting parents. They deserve to see that role-model so that they have a guidemap for their own development. If you can't be that for them WITHIN the marriage, then you need to get out of that marriage.
I get all fired up about this one. My mother stayed for 19 years with a man who beat her and cheated on her. She did it for us...for my brother and me...because she believed we needed to have two parents who were married to each other. And my brother and I have spent 25+ years undoing the damage caused by that decision...the legacy of growing up in an abusive, alcoholic home, with a father who hated being married to our mother and saddled with us, and a mother who perfected martyrism and the passive-aggressive mode of survival.
You already know what the answer is and that is to leave. I, too, was raised in a dysfunctional family which seems to be what is most common in our society. I begged my mother to leave my father, but she did not. I have very few fond memories of my childhood and non related to my homelife.
It takes a lot of courage. Given the potential volatility of your husband, I would seek professional guidence and a safe house to go to. The first step is always the hardest. Please leave him not just for the children but for your own happiness.
It was my opinion... based on perceptions in my life. Suffice it to say, it'll be different for other people's lives.
That's not my perception based on my life. It's what reasearch says. In my case, my parents divorced when I was a baby. Neither my brother or I are divorced (yet). The only statistic that was true for me is as a daughter of divorce, I was promiscuous as a teenager.
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Your marriage sounds toxic and even if you dont ever fight in front of the kids, they still: see the occassional dirty look, hear the "stone silences", notice the missed opportunities for hugs and kisses. "It's moms birthday--why doesn't daddy hug her?"
). The only statistic that was true for me is as a daughter of divorce, I was promiscuous as a teenager.
