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Old 05-14-2009, 09:28 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,932,532 times
Reputation: 46662

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Okay. Seems like the theme of the day on this forum is the inability to hold a conversation with anybody. What do I say? How do I say it? Will she think I'm a creep? Tell me how long to maintain eye contact, right down to the millisecond.

What is wrong here? Are we all turning into the social equivalent of Thalidomide children? How the heck has the Art of Conversation become such a rare commodity? Why do so many people need to be coached in its fundamentals? Any theories from the studio audience?

As a public service, let me take a crack at this with some points:

1) A successful conversation is about the other person, not you. You are trying to learn about them, not advertise yourself.

2) A conversation is an end unto itself. It's not about bedding the other person or getting something from them. It's just a pleasant exchange.

3) If you ask a question of somebody, make it open ended. For example, in reply to another thread, if you are interested in what somebody does for a living, then ask them the simple question, "What about your job do you enjoy so much?" They will then tell you everything you wanted to know, and will probably give you a ton of other things to discuss.

4) Eye contact should be extended, but not to the point of discomfort. For staring is rude.

5) Be relaxed.

6) Inject a little humor into the conversation. Earnest discussions are good, but need the occasional levity.

7) If it's somebody you think is really attractive, don't allow yourself to be totally impressed with them. After all, they're human beings, too.

Anybody else have good advice for the socially inept?
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Chicago, Illinois
3,047 posts, read 8,997,703 times
Reputation: 1385
You just have to put yourself out there. If you take the first step then a whole new world can open up. It's real easy, just don't complicate things by keeping everything in your head. Keep it natural and improvise everything. Do not go in with set lines unless you want failure.
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:34 AM
 
Location: Just south of Denver since 1989
11,810 posts, read 34,265,174 times
Reputation: 8926
Ask FORD questions
Family ~ from where did you move here from to do you have kids
Occupation ~ what do you do, how did you get that kind of a job what did you do before that
Recreation ~ what do you do for fun - where are you going on your next vacation
Dreams ~ where are you planning on retiring to, what is your dream vaction
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:34 AM
 
Location: New Zealand and Australia
7,454 posts, read 13,379,962 times
Reputation: 7783
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Okay. Seems like the theme of the day on this forum is the inability to hold a conversation with anybody. What do I say? How do I say it? Will she think I'm a creep? Tell me how long to maintain eye contact, right down to the millisecond.

What is wrong here? Are we all turning into the social equivalent of Thalidomide children? How the heck has the Art of Conversation become such a rare commodity? Why do so many people need to be coached in its fundamentals? Any theories from the studio audience?

As a public service, let me take a crack at this with some points:

1) A successful conversation is about the other person, not you. You are trying to learn about them, not advertise yourself.

2) A conversation is an end unto itself. It's not about bedding the other person or getting something from them. It's just a pleasant exchange.

3) If you ask a question of somebody, make it open ended. For example, in reply to another thread, if you are interested in what somebody does for a living, then ask them the simple question, "What about your job do you enjoy so much?" They will then tell you everything you wanted to know, and will probably give you a ton of other things to discuss.

4) Eye contact should be extended, but not to the point of discomfort. For staring is rude.

5) Be relaxed.

6) Inject a little humor into the conversation. Earnest discussions are good, but need the occasional levity.

7) If it's somebody you think is really attractive, don't allow yourself to be totally impressed with them. After all, they're human beings, too.

Anybody else have good advice for the socially inept?

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Old 05-14-2009, 09:39 AM
 
Location: New Zealand and Australia
7,454 posts, read 13,379,962 times
Reputation: 7783
Reminds me of a recent conversation I had with a girl I was introduced to. Yeah she is 24 I am 30 but all she talked about was herself and barely asked me anything and when she did you could tell, she wasn't overly interested just wanted to rant about herself. Think this is not an uncommon characteristic of her generation.
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Old 05-14-2009, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Philly
1,776 posts, read 3,993,692 times
Reputation: 834
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Okay. Seems like the theme of the day on this forum is the inability to hold a conversation with anybody. What do I say? How do I say it? Will she think I'm a creep? Tell me how long to maintain eye contact, right down to the millisecond.

What is wrong here? Are we all turning into the social equivalent of Thalidomide children? How the heck has the Art of Conversation become such a rare commodity? Why do so many people need to be coached in its fundamentals? Any theories from the studio audience?

As a public service, let me take a crack at this with some points:

1) A successful conversation is about the other person, not you. You are trying to learn about them, not advertise yourself.

2) A conversation is an end unto itself. It's not about bedding the other person or getting something from them. It's just a pleasant exchange.

3) If you ask a question of somebody, make it open ended. For example, in reply to another thread, if you are interested in what somebody does for a living, then ask them the simple question, "What about your job do you enjoy so much?" They will then tell you everything you wanted to know, and will probably give you a ton of other things to discuss.

4) Eye contact should be extended, but not to the point of discomfort. For staring is rude.

5) Be relaxed.

6) Inject a little humor into the conversation. Earnest discussions are good, but need the occasional levity.

7) If it's somebody you think is really attractive, don't allow yourself to be totally impressed with them. After all, they're human beings, too.

Anybody else have good advice for the socially inept?
Yeah: Get off City Data and go actually talk people, because a/s/l isn't an effective way to open a conversation when you are face to face.

A lot of social skills are learned during your formative years, namely schooling. It's too easy to hide behind txt msgs and emoticons today, then when it's necessary to act like a human, express yourself like a human, and be with other humans, you find yourself at a loss.
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Old 05-14-2009, 10:20 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,932,532 times
Reputation: 46662
Quote:
Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
Yeah: Get off City Data and go actually talk people, because a/s/l isn't an effective way to open a conversation when you are face to face.

A lot of social skills are learned during your formative years, namely schooling. It's too easy to hide behind txt msgs and emoticons today, then when it's necessary to act like a human, express yourself like a human, and be with other humans, you find yourself at a loss.
That's a great point. Technology has stunted people's emotional growth, it seems.

In short, conversational skills are honed through practice and an interest in the other person. Not through dishing out tired lines and talking about oneself all the time.
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Old 05-14-2009, 10:27 AM
 
Location: Subarctic Mountain Climate in England
2,918 posts, read 3,008,461 times
Reputation: 3952
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
That's a great point. Technology has stunted people's emotional growth, it seems.

Not through dishing out tired lines and talking about oneself all the time.

Speak for yourself.

As to the second point, if one person isn't talking about themself, the other person is . Unless we talk about the weather or the economy or some other inane BS. The point is to balance it out so it is not one sided. If you are NEVER talking about yourself then the other person would be always talking about them selves so same problem different way round.

The best thing to do is just be honest about everything you say or do and not be a fake. If people don't respect you for that then it's their loss. People bore me and drain my energy these days though and most aren't worth talking too, particularly the types who tell us how to do everything. I say it's better to learn from your experiences and mistakes than have some pretentious ego belch down checklists on how to do this that or the other.

Tell me cpg35223 do you really care about other people's ability to hold a conversation or do you just find the issue that inconveniencing so as to need to fulfill your ego by telling us all what we should be doing? Seriously.

And that's a question BTW before anyone starts getting offended and cries to the mods.

Last edited by RichardW; 05-14-2009 at 10:39 AM..
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Old 05-14-2009, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,639 posts, read 40,909,950 times
Reputation: 13465
What would it mean if like, say, I went up to like talk to this hot guy, but I had several hair bands around my wrists? Would he think I was a punk? How long would be too long for him to stare at these hair bands?
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Old 05-14-2009, 11:47 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 16,488,459 times
Reputation: 9174
Don't be negative.

Refrain from being too critical/judgmental.

Don't be a know it all.

Take an interest in the other person, don't redirect the conversation back to you.

Comedy is always great, but laugh with your guest, not at them.
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