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I'd like some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We were planning on getting engaged in the next few weeks but I find myself afraid and unsure.
You see my honey has a HUGE amount of debt. Around 95k-100k. Most of it is student loans the piled up getting his MFA a few years back. In the last few years he has made very little progress on paying them off. He is 40 and I am seriously frightened for him. I don't want him to be eating dog food at the end of his life because he couldn't pay off his debt and save for his retirement. At this point he is making around 30k a year (for Southern California that isn't much!) and although I am paying for most of the things in our relationship, he only managed to pay off about 2k last year.
I worked 16 hour days through college so that I wouldn't have any debt. I was also lucky enough to have my parents help me out some. At 26 I am very well off financially and starting my career. If I pitched in and we lived really cheap we could have his loans paid off in about 5 years I think. We are seeing a debt counselor today to get more information.
He has been honest about his debt from the start of our relationship, even if he has sort of been ignoring the problem. We are a great match personality wise, however I don't want to be following him around nagging him to be responsible. I also feel that since I have been with him for 4 years that it's unfair of me to leave him now over this. I just didn't realized how much it freaked me out until we were serious about getting hitched.
Should I leave him? If I do move forward with this relationship what can I do to protect myself? Has anyone been in this situation before?
Wow, I would definitely think hard about this. Maybe you should get some financial counseling on your own with someone who will be focusing totally on YOUR financial interests and what taking on this debt could mean to you personally in the future. I can understand the student loans, but I cannot understand why he hasn't made any headway in paying them off. I understand that he doesn't make very much money and he has to pay living expenses, but why can't he get a second job to pay off the loans? You say that if the two of you live frugally you could pay the debts off, but he could have done that already himself. I'm thinking the idea of living frugally for years doesn't appeal to him very much. I think money is the number one cause of most marriage problems.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I don't know about leaving him over it yet but I'd definitely put the marriage plans on the back burner until you can see how this is really going to play out. Any time you are unsure of something, that's a red flag to Stop! Wait! Think about it some more. Trust your instincts. They're useless if you don't.
Well, first thing's first. IF you are to go further with him, he's got to have a plan. I mean, if it entails working a second job for four years, then so be it. But this will plague him, and you, until the end of his days.
So come up with a plan, and if he agrees, that means he's serious about matters. But if he balks, then run, because you're not dealing with someone who is capable of solving his own problems.
I would seriously question his judgement if he piled up that much in student loans and is now only making $30k.
Oh, I missed that. Anybody in their 40s with an MFA only making 30 large a year is somebody with serious professional issues, whether in his ability to hold down a job or advance his career. I know several MFAs who make higher than 100K annually, all because they've worked very hard and used sound judgment in their professional life.
His MFA is in Theatre. His goal is to teach in a college but so far he has only been able to teach a few college classes here and there. His main bread and butter is substitute teaching. He didn't realize how hard it is to get college teaching jobs without a doctorate in your field.
His MFA is in Theatre. His goal is to teach in a college but so far he has only been able to teach a few college classes here and there. His main bread and butter is substitute teaching. He didn't realize how hard it is to get college teaching jobs without a doctorate in your field.
I would understand that more if he were 30. But 40? By that time, he should have developed some kind of professional network and contacts.
What's more, you guys live in Southern California, which is Ground Zero for actors wanting to make money, whether in films, television, commercials, voiceover work, training videos, and anything else you want to name. Heck, my brother has a B.A. in theater and writes screenplays out there. Just a treatment alone nets him into the low six figures, let alone the actual script or revisions. If your boyfriend has been halfway diligent, surely he would have found something steady by this point in life.
Now, I'm really not trying to harsh on your boyfriend, by the way. I fully understand the problems of reconciling one's passion in life with the need to make a living. But if he's been out there for years and is still not making ends meet, then he really needs to take a realistic view of this career path of his. Because he's getting to the point where he has to make some very tough decisions.
If you do decide to go through with the marriage, you really should consult with an attorney regarding a pre-nuptial agreement. You will need to protect your assets from his debts. If he really loves you, he will understand and seek legal counsel as well - to protect himself. Trust me, you don't want to get married and pay off his debts only to be dumped 5 years later because he's just not that into you anymore.
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