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Old 05-16-2009, 06:22 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,316 posts, read 17,093,213 times
Reputation: 11758

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I have a friend who can't seem to rid herself of an ex. He broke up with her but he takes great joy in calling her up and leaving messages about what a loser she is and how she'll never get a man. Recently, he sent her pictures of his new girlfriend wearing a necklace he bought her for Christamas when they were together that he took back and the engagement ring he bought for her.

What is with this kind of behavior? If he's moved on, why is he bugging her? And how does she get rid of him? I keep telling her to ignore him but he just keeps doing things like this. She changed her phone number but he figures out the new one. She's moved to another state and he still found her address and sends letters and pictures to her.

What do you do to make someone like this go away? Can she do anything legally? A PPO won't do any good since they live a few hundred miles away from each other.

How would you handle this?
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Old 05-16-2009, 07:35 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
21,295 posts, read 19,384,638 times
Reputation: 29950
Wow, what a freak. I wonder if she could sue him for harassment.
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Old 05-16-2009, 07:37 AM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 3,423,662 times
Reputation: 3746
She should look into getting a restraining order. In reality, if she hires an attorney to write him a letter threatening a legal proceeding, that will probably be all it will take for him to stop.
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:05 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,316 posts, read 17,093,213 times
Reputation: 11758
I don't know if she can sue or not. It's getting rediculous though. They broke up well over a year ago and he's now engaged to someone else.

Theirs was a weird relationship. He'd string her along then dump her, come back and dump her again. She, finally, stopped taking him back. Now he won't go away.

This guy is strange. They were both married when they started seeing each other. Both of them left their spouses for each other (supposedly for each other anyway). Then he started making excuses why they couldn't be together and doing the yo-yo thing. Now he's into harrassment because she's not having anything to do with him.
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:10 AM
 
18,311 posts, read 17,692,655 times
Reputation: 18424
I agree with Redisca. I'd get a restraining order pronto. Let him know it is in the works...and I bet he will cease and desist.
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:47 AM
 
1,121 posts, read 2,139,279 times
Reputation: 1054
Your friends EX is obviously not over something about their relationship and possible neither is your friend. It takes 2 to make contact. How can he get her number if it is not listed and if she has only shared it with friends that can be trusted. She can purchase prepaid cell phones and change her number every couple of months for the next year. The same with her address? Why does she open his letters? Just throw them in the garbage. If you mark them return to sender, he will know she got it and looked at and handled it. It may give him some satisfaction. Get a PO box or other mailing address not associated with where she is living or working.
We are talking about degrees of sanity here. If she thinks this guy is dangerous, she needs to disappear. This means giving up some mutual friends, etc and getting on with her life. I don't think she has grounds for a restraining order because that usually involves physical threats and he is several hundred miles away.
On the other hand, this may be some sick symbiotic relationship between the two of them that just needs to play itself out.
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Old 05-16-2009, 09:14 AM
Status: "Meanest zen master" (set 15 days ago)
 
8,854 posts, read 5,073,518 times
Reputation: 17104
The guy is a stalker. Has she considered that he is never going to give up, but will likely escalate? She needs to start with a no contact order and go from there (get law enforcement involved, etc)

Tell her to read up on stalking, join some discussion groups (stalkingvictims.com) and get advice from people whi have been there. She needs to take this seriously
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Old 05-16-2009, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,316 posts, read 17,093,213 times
Reputation: 11758
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukiko11 View Post
Your friends EX is obviously not over something about their relationship and possible neither is your friend. It takes 2 to make contact. How can he get her number if it is not listed and if she has only shared it with friends that can be trusted. She can purchase prepaid cell phones and change her number every couple of months for the next year. The same with her address? Why does she open his letters? Just throw them in the garbage. If you mark them return to sender, he will know she got it and looked at and handled it. It may give him some satisfaction. Get a PO box or other mailing address not associated with where she is living or working.
We are talking about degrees of sanity here. If she thinks this guy is dangerous, she needs to disappear. This means giving up some mutual friends, etc and getting on with her life. I don't think she has grounds for a restraining order because that usually involves physical threats and he is several hundred miles away.
On the other hand, this may be some sick symbiotic relationship between the two of them that just needs to play itself out.
There are ways to get an unlisted number and an address. Some legal, some not. There are services on line that you can pay to get unlisted information. Or know someone who has access to said information. If you really want to find someone, you can. You just need some basic information.

They don't have mutual friends. She moved out of state to try and get away from this guy.

I worry about it being some kind of symbiotic relationship. I'm puzzled as to why he keeps on harassing her when she has made it clear she doesn't want anything to do with him or maybe she's sending mixed signals. Lord knows she took him back way too many times. I told her from the beginning that a relationship started as an affair was unlikely to make it. My gut said he was just using her as a crutch to get through his divorce and it wasn't too long after his divorce was final he started the games.
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Old 05-16-2009, 09:29 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,316 posts, read 17,093,213 times
Reputation: 11758
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
The guy is a stalker. Has she considered that he is never going to give up, but will likely escalate? She needs to start with a no contact order and go from there (get law enforcement involved, etc)

Tell her to read up on stalking, join some discussion groups (stalkingvictims.com) and get advice from people whi have been there. She needs to take this seriously
Thanks. I'll pass on the information. I was thinking she couldn't do that because they're in different states. It's worth looking into anyway.
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Old 05-16-2009, 09:43 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 2,874,763 times
Reputation: 1591
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I have a friend who can't seem to rid herself of an ex. He broke up with her but he takes great joy in calling her up and leaving messages about what a loser she is and how she'll never get a man. Recently, he sent her pictures of his new girlfriend wearing a necklace he bought her for Christamas when they were together that he took back and the engagement ring he bought for her. What is with this kind of behavior? If he's moved on, why is he bugging her? And how does she get rid of him? I keep telling her to ignore him but he just keeps doing things like this. She changed her phone number but he figures out the new one. She's moved to another state and he still found her address and sends letters and pictures to her. What do you do to make someone like this go away? Can she do anything legally? A PPO won't do any good since they live a few hundred miles away from each other. How would you handle this?
No matter how far away this ex is, he is still breaking the law and he is still harassing her. She should contact an attorney and find out if there is in fact some sort of protective order she can file on him. She needs to have something in writing in case this moron oversteps his boundaries even further than he already has.

From the sounds of this, she must have broken up with him because he sure is having a hard time with it, girlfriend or no girlfriend, he is still angry over the breakup...does his new girlfriend know she has "used" jewelry. Talk about tacky. What kind of mentality is this new girlfriend playing with?? There is something definitely off about this guy and the sooner she finds out what her legal options are the better. In the meantime, she has to change her number again and this time get it unlisted. The only way he got her new number this time is someone gave it to him and if it was her, then she is playing right into his hands.

No contact means just that...no phone, no texting, no mailing back and forth...NO CONTACT!!
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