Men & Women as selective? (young, advice, couple, straight)

[Cosmic]

Originally Posted by SandyCo

HIF, I know what you mean about the kids issue. I always said that I wouldn't date anyone with kids younger than my own. I dated one guy once who was still in the process of getting divorced, fighting for custody, etc. Nice guy, but I didn't want to get caught up in his problems. He obviously wasn't really ready for a relationship, anyway! (And I'm being a typical woman, aren't I, with all of these "I won't date...")

A dwarf? Wow, that would definitely make me pause, too! Not that dwarves should be shunned or anything, but really, that's something you should know about before the date begins.

We will get you adjusted. First we have to work on your attitudes and get you ready to pick some good man flesh. Hey, don't count out dwarf(s).

Got to tell you this story about a dude, he was like 5'-3" and married a stripper called Alexandrie the Great (sp might be little off). Was on a boat I was on in Hawaii. She was huge, like 6'-5" built like all get out. Worked in a club on the strip, when on USO shows to the Nam. He had met her originally in Baltimore, saw her again in Hawaii and it was off to the races. The local newspaper had to have him stand on a box to take their pix. The headline read "Alexandrie Takes First Mate". I still got that clipping somewhere.

Guys on the boat used to raze him something terrible afterwards. They would got down to this strip club and then come back and tell him, "I saw your Old Lady, last night,,,,, yada yada...." He had the last laugh, she bought him a new Z-280 and they lived in this super condo, and he got to go home to her each night. The joke was what she did with him. But he wasn't really saying, just that big, big grin.

Lots of ways to think about how to retune the World and make it work for you.

Your comment way back when about being able to pick losers as a skill. We have to get you seeing the World in a proper frame. Demanding a better shake.

[HIF]

Well in my case, my husband died. But I do have my kid and my grandkid. Imagine the looks we get when I am with my 9 YO granddaughter calling me mom and her dad, who is in his twenties, calling him dad.

BTW, the neatest thing a guy told me with respect to my having young children was that at our age, even if we don't have young children, we probably have parents to take care of, so it wasn't an issue.

[dullnboring]

I think women approach dating differently than men do as a whole. I think women are more apt to have mental timetables, dates by which they are looking to accomplish certain things. Women who want families also have that biological clock ticking and seem to always be doing the math...

"Well, I want to date two years before marriage, be engaged for at least one year, then be married a a year or two before having kids. Oh my god, at this rate if I meet the man of my dreams tomorrow, that'll put me at 34!"

Therefore, a lot of women are not looking to waste any time in dating. They know what they want in a mate and oftentimes on online dating sites, this gives them the opportunity to weed out men who don't fit into the criterion they've laid forth for a partner for themselves. They are looking more long-term and less likely to date casually. This is a generalization of course but one that I've personally found to be largely true. While I can certainly understand this attitude and approach amongst some women, I personally find it very off-putting. There's times when you meet women and the job interviewer within them comes out and you can just see them as they ask question after question make mental checks in their mind as to how many of their categories you fit into. Many times first dates with women are all business, being quizzes about your job, education, professional ambitions, sex life, past girlfriends, relationship with your mother, religious affiliation, eating habits, etc.

Generally, men aren't as selective it seems. It seems as if men are more adaptable and willing to give things a shot. Men are more likely to have a fun and playful attitude towards dating, just seeing where things go, without having much thought towards the future. Again, a generalization, but it seems as if others have stated, women's approach is more along the lines of "can I see myself with a good future with this person?" whereas a man is approaching more along the lines of "is this person going to be good company tonight?" (not meant in a sexual manner....at least not for most guys).

[Rapture]

DNB - I agree with you 100% and I think that's why some women have a hard time meeting someone right for them. They put too much pressure on themselves and their dates. That's why I've always thought, I'm just going on a date to have fun and whatever happens is ok. I've made several friends this way and usually got a call for a second date. I will say about men (in general) the lack of communication leaves women wondering what are they thinking? That could have a something to do with why women ask so many questions.

[mal_flisk]

In matters of taste, as in selecting mates, I have noticed that men tend to be less practical than women. (Note: I am a man, so my brethren, pls hold your tempers.) Men tend to select their mates based on an idealized view of the actual woman involved.

Women tend to select mates based on more practical and real values. These may be current or future qualities that she may see (or may be deceiving herself that she may develop later in him). Women may want to change a guy into what she wants, but usually what she gets is what she is stuck with for life. (Or for the life of the marriage.)

Men on the other hand are a little more reactionary. They resist change in themselves, and in the mate as well. A common complaint "What happened to the girl I married?" reveals that the woman has changed and the man hasn't. Change could be good or bad, but men resist it.

Just a few observations. As always, generalities are usually false, and I am only seeing a small segment of any married population. Opinions expressed are those of the poster (Moi !!!), and should not be considered the opinions of C-D forum in general.

Disclaimer should be disclaimed by any moderator without a sense of humor.

[Cosmic]

Originally Posted by SandyCo

This goes back to the idea of basic biology, in which women want a man who can support them and take care of any children, and men want a hot woman (supposedly because they're selecting the best specimen from the gene pool to create beautiful children with).

Men are usually raised to judge women by their appearance. Women do that, too, but not to the same degree. And let's face it, a rich man, no matter what kind of troll he is, can always find some 21-year-old bombshell to spend his money on. The flip side of that is that a woman can usually find a guy to have sex with her, because many men will even pay for sex. I know I sound extremely cynical, but this is what I have seen.

To answer the original question, though, I'm not sure why the men were less picky, unless they were really interested in finding a steady sex partner, and not a real relationship. Or, maybe they figure that if they're compatible with someone else, the surface stuff (age, education, etc.) doesn't matter.

Well you could be right, there is some biology involved, but I think the OP has a flaw. It is not about how picky some men or women are. Refinement of a flawed system will not fix it.

The simple flaw is the selection process never exposes the critical criterion to be selected. As practiced, men and women just do the best with what is available. Both may have slightly different goals / viewpoints but both are also operating pretty much blind. The more recent practice that attempts a form of psuedo-marriage by living together might be viewed as a patch type fix.

You can ask, is a system based on arranged marriages a better more practical system? There the view is far more longer term and takes into account far more of the actual living environment expressed as an expected life time event. Plus it supplies peer pressure to make it work.

The basic problem is lack of a strong female Union. Individual females get to do whatever they want. If you change the system to like some countries the females do the selection directly, the males have little or no say, will that be a fix? At least they will no longer be able to blame males for their failures.

If you tried this same system with any other process, say buying cars. You could come up with some horrible results. Which may be happening. Car buying is becoming a game driven by extremely distorted media induced perceptions. They attempt to implant simplicitic notions to mask out the potential negatives. Buying decisions are attempted to be channeled into areas not related to actual future use.

You also can not look at just any match making type system as just the meat market view but step back and look at the forces that attempt to influence or guide it. Lots of external forces work on females to attempt to get them to make decisions in mate selection that are probably counter to their best long term interests. The core nub is females are trying to channel male sex drives by some method, about like in Nature in general. The question being what type of system can do it best??? This will always have a duality type purpose, in the extreme, the males get chucked out once they have served a particular purpose. As evolving, the present mess is also accomplishing a lot of that same goal and some of the dissatisfaction may be because of a male reaction to it. They are unwilling to play a no win game and the females must get more inventive and run harder to stay in place.

[Rapture]

malfask - I agree with what you said and have seen it happen over and over. Women try to change men and men just don't change.

Cosmic - When I read some of your posts, it's like reading Kierkegaard. Most I agree with but somewhere in the middle I get lost. lol.... I mean that with respect.

[Cosmic]

Originally Posted by Rapture

Cosmic - When I read some of your posts, it's like reading Kierkegaard. Most I agree with but somewhere in the middle I get lost. lol.... I mean that with respect.

H,mmm I went back and reread that one above, nothing really wrong there.

Must be that extra strong coffee, too much zing will do it. That one above goes straight left to right logic and trips all the levers in a systematic fashion. Even nice example. Color me puzzled.

Would not be surprised if parts of it wind up in some kid's women's study thesis. For the right price I am willing to rewrite to cross that professor's eyeballs a couple of times.

[mal_flisk]

Originally Posted by Cosmic

H,mmm I went back and reread that one above, nothing really wrong there.

Would not be surprised if parts of it wind up in some kid's women's study thesis. For the right price I am willing to rewrite to cross that professor's eyeballs a couple of times.

Willing to co-author, for 30%. Even willing to drink about 5 cups of mud to start the brain buzzing.

Personally, I love women, I just find it hard to live with them. I kept Her because we had kids. The logic train doesn't always run on the tracks with her. I'm not sure if it was the women I dated, or the segment that I knew, but why does a woman come to you with a problem if she doesn't want a fixit guy.

I don't mind hearing about the problem, but when I attempt to give Her advice, she shuts down. I never bring problems home from work, and unless She asks, I don't tell Her what the problems at work are.

I know this is a guy thing, but can some one of the female persuasion let me in on the secret. Jenny just came home and told me of her latest problem at work. I, being a field engineer, disected the problem, let her know where the solution lies. She, being a woman, told me, "you just don't get it".

OK. What don't I get? Problem. Solution. Straight line logic, yes?

When it comes to selecting mates, women are more logical than men. What is the problem with solutions.

Why do women ask questions that will crucify a man with less than one answer. "Do I look fat in this (fill in the blank)?" "What do you think?" is another. If your answer doesn't match hers, you've blown it.

Ladies, is thinking optional in a male's answer to his spouse? Are we just supposed to parrot the party line? Please help and old man out. We've been married for over 20-some years, and I'm still stepping on land mines I didn't know were there.

Sorry, lost it there for a minute.

[ellie]

Sounds like you got it figured out pretty good if it's lasted that long. Don't change a thing, unless she asks you to.